my life.

[master]

hey eveyone, i am new here. the name is madason. and i am 16 years old :)
i have an eating disorder, i have for a couple of years now.

any way i have been in out out of hospital a number of times and i have also been in a inpatient treatment centre, but then i was forced to leave because my insurance ran out, and i was no where near ready to go.

and my boyfriend is my biggest suppot in my life, he was the one that found out about my eating habbits, he heard me throwing up :( his name is josh, and i dont know what i would do without him.

last week i was forced to fo back into hospital because if the usual dehydration, i passed out and i refused to eat. soo because i am under 18 i dont really have control of me, my medical decisions my parents do, and they made me get a feeding tube in my stomach!! I HATE IT!
i hate my parents. i get out of hospital tomorrow but i will still have the feeding tube, i get it taken out 25kilos form now :(

ever since i have gotten me feedingtube in i just havnt been feeling the same espically towards my boyfriend, i dont know why though. i just dont like him to touch me or to even really look at me. i guess i am scared that i am going to disgust him because of this ogly tube and because i will be putting the weight on. he says that i am beautiful and everything, but i still just feel weird, latley we havnt been talking but i am scared that i am pushing him away.

what do i do??
how do i explain this to him??

[thesphinx]

Talk to him about, let him in on how you are feeling that's what he wants more than anything.
If he says your beautiful I'm sure he means it so keep that in mind.
Stay strong.

[Sapphire]

It is hard to accept that someone could see you as really beautiful when you find it hard to even look at yourself in a mirror, I know.

Sit him down and talk with him. Start letting him in and tell him how this feeding tube (although it's for your own good) makes you feel very unattractive. He has stood by you through a lot, by the sounds of it. That is hard to find and even harder to push away. Keep talking with him, it will help you towards recovery and your relationship will strengthen.

His love and support, along with your parents' help and care, can aid you on your road to accepting your body and your beauty.
I know that you say you hate your parents and you are entitled to feel like that. But try to recognise that they are only trying to help you and save you from self-destructing. They are scared that they may lose their daughter and are trying to keep you strong enough to beat this disease.

[byee]

Hi Madason,

Let's do a fact check, OK?

Eating disorders are caused by many things (often abuse, be it sexual, physical, or emotional), sometimes because parents are demanding, controlling, intrusive, domineering. But, whatever the cause, the result is usually the symptoms you have: Body image distortions (believing you are fat no matter your actual weight), and a heightened sense of others controlling you.

Also, if you dehydrated to the point of needing readmission, as well as a feeding tube, AND you need to gain at least 25 Kg. (=55 lbs), you have a very serious condition, it sounds like it could be life threatening, or going towards that.

This is all very serious, and I think you should try to realize many (if not most) of your thoughts about yourself and your body image, the way you look, are not accurate, that it's due to the underlying conflicts that need to be explored and resolved in therapy. Likewise, that imapired awareness affects the way you might think others are feeling about you, too.

The feelings you have towards your b/f seem more like a reflection/projection of this underlying conflict, the unrealistic sense of your appearance, your heightened sense of others intruding on you and controlling you, than their actual motivations and thoughts. You should try to realize, however hard this might be, that what you're feeling is real enough to you, but that does NOT mean it is really accurate.

Your Josh, and your family see your deterioration very differently than you do, they see you hurting yourself and are justifiably concerned, hence their decision to hospitalize you and authorize the feeding tube.

I think that you should work the program you are on, continue to work with your doctors, gain the weight and address the other issues you might have, so that you can begin to experience yourself differently than you do now. Until then, try to remember that your loved one's are seeing you, and your feeding tube, differently than you do: They see it as life saving treatment.

[master]

today i was ment to be getting out of hospital but noooo!!!
i have to stay in for longer, and i got into a huge fight with josh today.
i got caught because i have been playing with my feeeding tube you know trying to get food out of it by picking at it with a pin and stuff trying to get food out.
so now i hhave to stay in for long and i cant leave untill i put the weight on. :(
i got into a huge fight with my boyfriend and he was crying and everything. i felt so bad.
he doesnt understand why i am doing things like this.
BUT NO ONE DOES!

[Sapphire]

I am sorry that you are having such a tough time. Believe it or not, hospital is the best place for you at the moment. Your parents and your boyfriend just want you to be strong and healthy again. The feeding tube is there to help you gain some of that strength so you can go home. Please stop playing with it. I know that will be difficult to do, but it is the only way you can get out of hospital.

When things get to the point where everyone is trying to help but no one truly understands what is going on for you it can feel really lonely. When everyone is talking about you and not to you this can make things worse. This is the point when you have to try the hardest to make your voice heard.

Josh seems to really want to understand what you are going through and to help you so let him. Talk with him or write a letter or an email. Don't hold things back from him. I think he's proved that he is going to be there for you for a long time still.