Lonely

[Malcolm Tucker]

As the title suggests, I'm alone. I cut myself, I'm depressed, and I have tried to kill myself before. I don't know whether it's because I isolate myself from "friends", or it's because I don't have it in me to tell people how I'm feeling. I try to be upbeat. I try to smile. I cannot fake it any longer. I am regretting that I didn't stop the belt from choking me to death. I wish it had. Badly. I probably will try it again, soon maybe; I've done this to myself, and now I have no one. My friends all hate me. My bedroom is the only place I go; I cry myself to sleep. I don't know what I'm asking for, or why I'm posting this. But I feel out of choices. I've fucked my life up with the cutting, and I guess it's up to me to finish it once and for all.

God I'm so confused. I've kept this inside for so long. I need help.

{mods, sorry for wrong section...}

[Zan0ra]

Now is killing yourself the way to go? You have been on these forums for over a year, you should no that. maybe it might be best to try and meet some other people at a social group(s)? Try venting you're anger somewhere else. I have been crying for the past week almost frequently *its a different matter* and I to feel alone. But not for one seconed do I give up hope. Time is always the cure. But it is also the poison. Try to calm down.

[ShatteredWings]

what's been going on? this really isn't good..
:hug3: talking it all out tends to help a bit, even if the person your talking to can't help the situation (or even say much constructive...). regretting NOT killing yourself really is showing something's wrong.

[byee]

Oh, no, Michael! What's wrong? tell us what we can help you with. You are entirely too nice and too valuable to spend time being miserable!

Tell us what's causing this so we can help you.

[Malcolm Tucker]

Well it could be long. I've been bullied, and tortured emotionally since I started Junior School, when I was 4. I remember on my first day ever, I went to play with some others, and their response was "Get Lost Weirdo!"... I know it hurt me forever. I hate it. I cannot go a day without being taunted, it's the source of my self harm, why I tried to kill myself, and why I'm a wreck. I cannot trust anyone. I can't. I finally made friends, last year. And my "best" one of us, I hinted to him I was gay/bi, and he told everyone while I was 4000 miles away! Now they all ignore me. They go out without me. They more than likely talk about me behind my back.

Its jepordised my education, which means the world to me, my health ( It triggers stress and I suffer from psoriasis ... ) and my mental wellbeing ( Self harm, etc. ). I am to resume school in less than a month, and I don't know if everyone will beat me up because I'm presumed to be gay or bi. Or because O am so vulnerable. But I cannot tell anyone. There's no one. No one on MSN either :| I hate it. I hate my self. I don't know where this road goes. But I may very well do it.

note: something i noticed. the underlined is not an invitation. no offence

[Zan0ra]

I'm frequently on msn. If you want I could help you.? I'm not the most popular kid either. And some friends...Even when you know they wont turn on you. They go act all immature. I'm really sorry all this is happening to you. Maybe you could to therapy and talk to your school counselor about whats going on.?

[Hyper]

Well I could go on about how it wont help etc but you should already know that.

When I was in the exact same period of life as you are I just switched to home schooling and after awhile things got gradually better.. Switching schools might help some but I get the impression you are one of those people who always stand out in some way.. So yeah if your tortured in school find a way to make it stop or get homeschooled

There isn't really much I can say Your the one who has to make a change you have the power to help yourself if you just look hard and usually if you really want something you achieve it alone or with the help of others.

Theres alot of people on VT here to support you with words, that alone made me once feel alot better.

[Malcolm Tucker]

WSo yeah if your tortured in school find a way to make it stop or get homeschooled

Problem there, is that im 99% sure that there is no homeschooling in Ireland, and I'm 100% sure if there was we couldn't afford it.

[ShatteredWings]

why can i relate so much...

i compleatly agree with hyper's sugestion of trying to switch schools[thats what i did in 5th grade]. if you can anyway. obviously if you can't (as it is almost august...) maybe you can find NEW friends who don't try to screw with you and arent' backstabbers. Please note, that being different is not[repeat, NOT] the end of the world, and it might help you (because peoplewho control your life can notice you and what you do best)

ending it is really pointless. you'd be showing everyone they win. don't die please

[Malcolm Tucker]

If I were to change schools to one that might, just might, accept me, I would have to move countries. Everyone on this shitty rock is the same, everyone! I'll try to make new friends in school. But im unsure if ill make it until then

[ShatteredWings]

okay okay, moving is NOT a good idea then.


you can make it. there ARE people who are both smart and nice. i seriously doubt everyone in your COUNTRY is the same. actualyl, i even doubt that for your city. Its ok to be a lil nervous, but i think your overreacting slightly. not everything ends in doom

[Zan0ra]

crazy girl is right! People are afraid of the unexpected. *assuming you move school* Just try and be normal as you can possible be. And when you think you are ready to announce to everyone then do. Either that or dont bother trying to find a relationship in your school time.

[byee]

Oh, yuck, Michael! You remind us how painful childhood can be. I'm sorry for you, you don't deserve this (not that anyone does).
It would be great to change schools, a geographic cure would be worthwhile, a new start in a new place. Not possible, there isn't another school in your district you can go to?

Short of that, the next things to do are: 1) Get some support. This includes guidance counselors and people in school you can go to if it gets bad, a 'safe place' for you. It also includes people your own age, friends, who will react differently and positively to you. School, clubs, outside activities, spend some time checking into these and setting them up now, if possible. You'll feel better having this available to you, esp. if it gets bad, it's sort of an antidote for the yuck you have to live thru there.

Number 2 is 'toughening you up'. Helping you expect and deal/cope/tolerate what's said to you from these cretins, so that it doesn't get you so down. Yeah, they shouldn't be saying and doing this in the first place, but being immature, let's expect them to. Maybe if you're not surprised by it, if you're not hoping and wanting it to not happen, you can better prepare yourself for it. Preparation and expectation often take the sting out of what happens next. Maybe that might help here, lowering your expectations so that they're in line with what you (unfortunately) can expect.

The good news is that in a couple, three years you'll be done with this (and them), and all of this will be a bad memory, in past tense. Have hope, and plan for that day, for moving on and having your life (finally) feel the way it should.

But make plans for #1 and 2, it might help.

[Never_Forget]

Aw *hug* you know everyones always going to be here for you. I know how you feel, maybe on a less grand scale, but I know. The world is one big shitty space rock and nothing will ever change that. But just because it's a shitty rock doesn't mean everybody on the shitty rock is shitty themselves. You're long overdue some good times by the looks of it, so lets make sure you get them. I'd say more but I have to go.

Bye, and I hope you feel better soon *hug*