Support for Sexually COnfused Lover

[Firekiss]

I know I'm not a guy. But please deal with me. I'm here on behalf of someone whom I love dearly and want advice on how I can help him. Here's our Story.

I'm 18 and my Fiance is 19. I know we're young, please don't comment on that; its not the issue. He has opened up to me recently about "liking dicks". His honesty started when we brought a vibrator into our sex lives. He was shaken up about it all because he enjoyed it so much. After hours of tears and me telling him that its o.k. and making him feel better and him convincing me that he does in fact find me sexually attractive and does still want to marry and have a family with me.

Despite my newly formed insecurities. I want to support him and help him discover who he is and sort out these confusions in his head. Even if it does mean that I lose the love of my life. I want him to be happy.

Basically what he's told me is that he regularly has fantasies about same-sex sexual encounters. He says that he's had them since he was about 13 and they vanished when he and I got involved (about 2years ago). He says that they returned a couple of weeks ago. He has previously masturbated with a male friend of his and they have given each other hand jobs on regular occasions. (2years ago - he says it just sorted of faded away, they haven't done it ages) He admits to being very very curious about "sex with another guy" and "giving a blow-job". Although he has said that he feels that he could never kiss a guy or be in a relationship with a man and has only ever been fond on one guys body [a different school friend] (Although he would say that if he felt that I was feeling insecure).

Honestly, I think he could be bi-sexual. I have no problem with that. nor do I have a problem with him experimenting. Although I would feel worthless at the time I want to support him.

Any advice on any of this would be helpful. I really do want to support him and help me through this all. i want to be well informed and I want to be able to make him feel better about it all.

[byee]

I won't comment on your ages, as you requested, since that's not really an issue. What I will say up front, though, is that contemplating marriage with someone who is still basically confused about who they are isn't the best idea. At the very least, he should get himself into therapy to understand this before you do much more planning about your marriage. This is the type of issue that can potentially be rather damaging later on if it's not resolved now.

OK, that said, I think the real issue is 1) What's arousing for him about his same sex fantasies, and, 2) Why is this all coming up now, at this particular time. You said these issues faded in the past 2 years that you were together, and are only resurfacing now. Why?

There's a difference b'twn sexual arousal and emotional attachment. He needs to discover if these same sex issues are the result of an acknowledgement on some level that marrying you is not consistent with how he sees himself, or if he's so comfortable with you and the relationship that he feels safe to explore those suppressed fantasies. That's a really huge distinction.

People explore and act on all kinds of fantasies in a warm, loving relationship, and it doesn't necessarily mean anyhting other than an acknowledgement of that fact. On the other hand, marriage is a huge committment, and if on some level he's not really seeing himself mated for life with a woman, the fear could be causing these previously repressed feelings to emerge. It's important for him to figure out which one it is!!

Encourage him to get some therapy to understand all this and identify where it's coming from and what it means.

[Antares]

Boys Puberty :arrow: Teen Sexuality

[Firekiss]

We aren't planning on getting married for another few years. At the moment we are off on a gap year and then its uni. A lot can happen before then.

He wont go to therapy. but I'll try. Thank you for your advice. It all makes a lot more sense to me now.

[Oblivion]

Ask him if its really the dicks he likes, or that it is related to sex and thats what arouses him.

Many people (teens) when going through puberty are aroused by anything having to do with sex. Be it a balloon that looks like a condom, or a dick, little things that relate to sex turn on the switch.

Even if he does like dicks, a small male attraction does not make him gay, or bi.
If he were gay or bi, he really would need to be able to see himself in the future having a sexual, mental, and healthy relationship with a guy.