gookmique
July 15th, 2008, 11:56 PM
well, i wouldn't exactly call it depression... or would i...
it's more a state of unhappyness than anything else.
recently i've been having conflicting emotions about all sorts of stuff regarding my currently state of life. currently i'm unemployed - there arn't many job oppurtunities in this town, i dropped out of highschool and recieved my GED, i'm not enrolled in any sort of college academics, i'm in debt with the state - around 2,000$ probably (restitution still unknown), i live with manipulative grandparents, i don't have much of a social life currently, i really dont do anything besides watch TV and play around on the computer. i mean, to be blatantly honest, life really fuck!ng sucks right now. i don't see much of a future for myself, nor do i see the light at the end of the tunnel. my parents want me to join the army, for awhile i did but not so much anymore. my father was thinking about the possibility of me moving to china to stay with him, which would be killer, but i can't leave this cage i'm currently in with a class A felony hovering over my head. thank god i commited that felony when i was a juvenille, it'll be sealed. word spreads fast in this town though, everyone knows me for my actions. no job will hire me for what i did. so essentially i won't be able to pay the fee, therefore i'll most likely go to jail. i'm just in this fuck!ng bind right now, and i can't seem to wiggle out of it this time. i've had thoughts of suicide. i've told my parents that i've had these thoughts, naturally they're concerned, but they don't put their words into actions. i feel abandonded by my own parents. even though i've had these thoughts, i don't have the balls to follow through with them. i'm glad for that though. i enjoy life too much to end it over something so stupid, but i really can't help to think it's one of the few easiest ways to end this dilemma i'm currently in. i don't want counciling, i've been counceled many times and they've all failed. i don't talk to councelers. for that matter, i don't know how to talk to councelers. people tell me i'm a friendly guy, and deep down inside i have good intentions, i beg to differ though. unbeknownst to people,i have this burning core of hatred that really isn't targeted to anyone or anything, but it's there.
i don't know where this thread is heading, or why i even posted it to begin with. i needed to let loose and tell the unfortunate few, that actually read this, how i'm feeling.
it's more a state of unhappyness than anything else.
recently i've been having conflicting emotions about all sorts of stuff regarding my currently state of life. currently i'm unemployed - there arn't many job oppurtunities in this town, i dropped out of highschool and recieved my GED, i'm not enrolled in any sort of college academics, i'm in debt with the state - around 2,000$ probably (restitution still unknown), i live with manipulative grandparents, i don't have much of a social life currently, i really dont do anything besides watch TV and play around on the computer. i mean, to be blatantly honest, life really fuck!ng sucks right now. i don't see much of a future for myself, nor do i see the light at the end of the tunnel. my parents want me to join the army, for awhile i did but not so much anymore. my father was thinking about the possibility of me moving to china to stay with him, which would be killer, but i can't leave this cage i'm currently in with a class A felony hovering over my head. thank god i commited that felony when i was a juvenille, it'll be sealed. word spreads fast in this town though, everyone knows me for my actions. no job will hire me for what i did. so essentially i won't be able to pay the fee, therefore i'll most likely go to jail. i'm just in this fuck!ng bind right now, and i can't seem to wiggle out of it this time. i've had thoughts of suicide. i've told my parents that i've had these thoughts, naturally they're concerned, but they don't put their words into actions. i feel abandonded by my own parents. even though i've had these thoughts, i don't have the balls to follow through with them. i'm glad for that though. i enjoy life too much to end it over something so stupid, but i really can't help to think it's one of the few easiest ways to end this dilemma i'm currently in. i don't want counciling, i've been counceled many times and they've all failed. i don't talk to councelers. for that matter, i don't know how to talk to councelers. people tell me i'm a friendly guy, and deep down inside i have good intentions, i beg to differ though. unbeknownst to people,i have this burning core of hatred that really isn't targeted to anyone or anything, but it's there.
i don't know where this thread is heading, or why i even posted it to begin with. i needed to let loose and tell the unfortunate few, that actually read this, how i'm feeling.