two poems

[4IrishJustice]

Two different poems of very different styles.

On the Brink of Death:

On the brink of death
I lay -
Wondering about my sins
Good deeds done wrong
The reassurance of purity
I spoon-fed myself

I wonder
While the priest sits at my side
Singing carols from tattered pages
And hymns of a man unknown to me
I wonder about the life I could have lived
The life I could have made
Never did
And now never will

On the brink of death
I lay-
And stare into my soul
Waiting for the punishment to come;
In the place where my sins wait for me
In that fiery pit where my sins wait for me
I wonder...

And I don't have a title for this one. Recomendations welcomed.

She steps into the room
The lights dim
And the spotlight shines on her face

She starts waling toward me
My heart stops
And the only thought left is of her

She leans in to whisper
“I love you�
And I hear the Angles sing

She brushes her lips across mine
Then she kisses me
And I feel the oceans roar

She smiles at me to let me know
I’m the only one for her
And in that second, I know the sun

But the warmth and glow quickly fade,
As she parts from me
To go be someplace else

Stormy clouds rush quickly in
As she turns
To leave me here forever

She exits my life with one final backwards glance
The door closes
And a cold tear runs down my cheek

[Underground_Network]

You're a very talented writer, though you're grammar could probably use some work [no major mistakes worth noting] and you have quite a few spelling mistakes. Also, in that first poem, if you intended for it to be at all serious, you should take out the line "I spoon-fed myself", because I just burst into laughter when I read that for some reason.

[4IrishJustice]

I hate to sound like I'm arguing with a critic, but what grammar mistakes? (plus it's a poem, so the rules of grammar don't really apply. I've read poems with split infinitives, double negatives and the like.) I do see now that I spelt Angels Angles, but that was just a typo. =p.


And how about this, I change "I spoon fed myself," into, "I led myself to believe?" I do think it sounds better.

[Underground_Network]

Yeah, I led myself to believe sounds better, and yeah, some things just sounded strange to me, I don't think they were grammatically incorrect [though reading it through a second time everything seems fine]. And what exactly does "waling" mean, do you mean "wailing"?
Anyways, both poems are great regardless of any minor mistakes.

[4IrishJustice]

lol no it's supposed to be walking. I should probably download the online spell checker. =p

I've been reading some of the poems you've posted too. Our styles are really different, but I do think you've written some fantastic things. So you opinions of my work are always welcome.