i need some help

[SirRawrsalot]

I've been really depressed and have felt trapped for a long time. Probably around 3 months. And now I really am fed up with it. I want to kill myself so much now and honestly have nothing to live for and not too many people who'd care if I died. I have been sitting here with a knife for the past half an hour thinking it over. I really think I want to do it. I could use some help please.

[Acronychal]

You're not alone in this world, there are many people with the same thoughts. But we all have to get past them and see the ones we love. There ARE people that will be DEVASTATED if you die. They WILL care and they will care A LOT. You DO have something to live for, and that's the people that care about you. You may think that they won't, you may think that they'll all get over you, but it's not true. Don't listen to yourself. Even if you don't have multitudes of people that you love, the ones that you DO have won't get over your death. They need you, whether you think so or not. If you don't live for yourself, you DO have to live for THEM.
You really have to tell someone you can trust about how you're feeling, or seek out some better help of any kind. But honestly, imagine the grief you'll the people that care about you will feel, then times it by 1000. That's the actual grief they'll feel.

[theOperaGhost]

You need to find a good friend or a family member that you trust and talk to them about what is bothering you. They hopefully would help. I'm sure more people care about you than you think they do. People would miss you. If you don't have a person that you can trust, go to a psychiatrist or something like that, or even just a doctor, and they could refer you to somebody. You need some help, so I hope you find it before you do something tragic.

[byee]

Elliot! What happened? Why are you feeling this way? Let's talk about it, can you give some details?

[SirRawrsalot]

After a long night I pretty much just gashed my right wrist. I can hardly even type with my right hand it hurts so much. I bandaged it up and put some antibiotics on it. I'm typing about 1 word a minute with just about 20 % accuracy right now.

Acronychal, there may be a few people who care about me, but they could get over my death. This is for my relief. I'm too stressed and have too much pressure on myself now.

thepianoman, there are no family members who'd speak to me or that would help, and my friends are idiots when it comes to this. They've seen me with a sleeveless shirt and haven't noticed (or haven't told me they noticed) all the scars.

IAMSAM- Basically my electricity bill went up and at the same time my telephone service did. Sadly my income stayed the same. And my mother was arrested for a D.U.I. so she is in jail and will be there for a while since it's her 3rd I think. And I have no extra cash to help. I think my mother will go insane without booze for however long she's staying. After falling asleep at about 6 A.M. and waking up at 7:15 A.M. I'm still feeling like shit and I can't go back to sleep. I really wish I'd have fucking died, but I probably will since this cut on my wrist hurts like a S.O.B.

[byee]

Elliot, this is terrible! How could things deteriorate so quickly? You were just on a camping trip?

First, does your wrist need medical attention? If it does, get yourself to an ER and have it attended to.

Second, your mother is not your responsibility. Whatever trouble she's gotten herself into, she'll have to find a way out of. You've got enough going on, I think at 17 you need to saty focused on that. Make a phone call to your dad or the public defender or whoever, and let them take care of her. You take care of yourself.

Everyone's bills are going up, and unfortunately their pay isn't. You're a very resourceful, intelligent guy, you'll figure it out. Don't respond just to the stress and anxiety, just figure it out calmly. You'll come up with a solution if you stay calm and focused.

how can we help?

[SirRawrsalot]

I can take care of my wrist, hospitals aren't my thing.

I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 9. I'm pretty sure my mom is going to go to jail for a long while.

I know everyone else's bills go up too, but I'm seventeen. No college degree, nothing. I'm a waiter 5 days a week and on weekends I sit in my chair and program for a few hundred bucks here and there. And neither of those pays are going up anytime soon, and my mom hasn't had a job since I was like 14, but when I was 14 we had no cable or any telephone service and electricity when she remembered to pay it. I don't want that to happen again. I don't know how anyone can help, but I really doubt I can stand living like this much longer. I'm afraid to mess up at anything. School, my job, if I slip up and get fired or get bad grades then I'm screwed. I need a full scholarship and I need to keep getting a decent income. It's just way too much to handle.

[byee]

You're right, Elliot, you cannot afford to screw up. That's a lot of pressure, but the mere fact that you are aware of what you need to do now tells both of us that you can (and will) do it. Just do it, don't think about it, that's when it gets really stressful. As they say, "don't look down".

And please, don't cut yourself, and don't talk about ending it, it's very upsetting, it's not a solution, and we'd miss you a lot. And besides, you're a spoonist, and they don't quit.

[SirRawrsalot]

Who would put that much pressure on anyone? I would do the work, and I have been, but there's no point. I have no one who really cares if I do it and nothing to prove to anyone. I'm the kind of annoying person who needs a reason. I'm the little kid "do this" and i say "why, what's the point?". One of my numerous flaws. It just makes sense to me (or maybe I'm insane) to just end everything. Some people may have some grief for a month tops, but they'll get over it and I'll have no pressure.

[byee]

Quit thinking so much about it and just do it.

You have your whole life ahead of you, you need to get through this to get to it.

[SirRawrsalot]

Okay. I guess I'll try not to think about how much of a pain in the ass it is (I doubt that it will last long). Sam, you need to stop being right... It would be a lot easier for me.

[theOperaGhost]

I know you don't want to go to a psych ward, but you need to get help from someone. There are ways to get financial help and maybe that would lower your stress. You are under a lot of stress and it is hurting you terribly. You need to just get away from it all. I don't know how you can do that, but it needs to happen. You could cancel your telephone service for a while. It wouldn't be easy, but it would only have to be temporary. You can live without it. You would probably need to keep electricity, but cut back on how much you use. It will be tough to live without stuff like that, but it should be better than the way you're living now. In time, when things start to come back together and stuff, you would be able to pay for telephone service and more electricity.

[byee]

Sorry, Elliot, if I stopped being right I wouldn't be Sam. You should take some comfort knowing that many people share your frustration with me, and this is not entirely a bad thing. At least in real time, I'm not typically called a 'knowitall' in that rude, offensive way it's used online.

Anyway, i don't mean to dismiss your angst here, but sometimes it helps to deal with it (esp when it seems like everything is dreadful and the lights are really out) by NOT dwelling on it.

You've impressed me in the short time you've been here as being one of those very gifted people who are very smart and very caring and very 'together', you have a good head on your shoulders. When we're in real trouble, when we panic, sometimes we forget that. I'm just reminding you of it.

You'll get thru this b/c you have these abilities, even if you can't see them right now. But, they're still there guiding you, use them, take it a day at a time, and remember to take care of yourself, be nice to yourself.

You deserve it.

[SirRawrsalot]

Ya, getting away from it all would be nice. I turn on my computer and the light in my bathroom when I take a shower... And the microwave and the stove. That's just about it. And still the electric company can somehow charge me 350 dollars. I've been unplugging my microwave and stove when I don't use them. I'll see if it works.

As for Sam... thanks for the compliments. The only people who have said anything about the head on my shoulders are my teachers, and they don't mean much lol, but I can add you to the list.
"take care of yourself, be nice to yourself." That's almost impossible.

[theOperaGhost]

I don't know much about you, but since it seems like you've pretty much taken care of yourself your whole life, I'm assuming you are a bright person. And since Sam says it, I believe it because Sam knows what he's talking about. I think you are smart enough to figure out a better way out of things than suicide. I know you can work this out in time. It will take time, but things can get better.

[SirRawrsalot]

I'm sure Sam knows as much as you do about me. I hope things get better in time because I've said that a few times and I really don't want to be a lier. Thanks for the help. I think I'll be okay for a while. I just kind of broke down. Sorry.

[Hyper]

I've really got no clue about your life. But it seems like you've come a long hard way on your own.

I've never thought of life as proving myself to anyone, if anything I want to prove to myself.. ( that I'm not a worthless piece of shit when I'm depressed ) or that I can accomplis alot if I really try ( in my best xD )..

You don't want to live like that.. I've lived something like that all my life. If I were you I'd just want to survive to live better, I know quite egoistic.. But sometimes I notice that theres alot of good things in life, alot of things both simple & complicated that I would like to enjoy & experience time & time again..

I just hope you keep on trying hard to have a better life even if it is just for yourself

[SirRawrsalot]

The problem is the shit load of work to get to that better life gets to me after a while. I haven't really been living for anyone. I was basically living for the bills. I almost never have fun or enjoy myself. I think that's the problem.

[byee]

Hmmmm...........................................

First, i'm glad you're feeling a little better. I guess I'm still reacting to the suddenness of this. You came on the scene here pretty much a great addition, showing lots of sound judgement and all. The bottom fell out pretty fast!

I'm not sure what you've been thru in your life, I'm piecing it together as you give more details, but it does reinforce the notion that you're def a survivor. You'll get thru this, you have the moxie needed. You'll make lemonade form these lemons.

I think it's important to not look down, Elliot, just do what you need to do to survive. Part of that is to find the time to do the things that are important to you and that you like, regadless of how simple they might be. You need to balance survival with a little fun. Make that time.

Although all this might seem never ending, it is. By working hard and doing what you need to, it will pass, and good things will happen as a result.

If there's anythng I can do, let me know, preferably before it becomes another 911 moment for you, OK?

And no more cutting.

[Nemo]

Hey Otaku Geek you really helped me out when I was majorly suicidal and that just shows that youre a good person. I definitely know how you feel about not having fun and, at times, living for no one. Don't kill yourself... try keep yourself occupied with stuff, thats what ive been trying to do and I think its helping, but whenever im alone I feel like crap. Try being with someone, friend or relative or one of those people that you said care about you. Hiding away with these feelings is not the answer.

[theOperaGhost]

I'm glad to see that you are feeling better and you just lost it a bit.

[Hyper]

The problem is the shit load of work to get to that better life gets to me after a while. I haven't really been living for anyone. I was basically living for the bills. I almost never have fun or enjoy myself. I think that's the problem.

Yeah I know what you mean.. But still ''just'' keep going it always seems insane but if you really work hard and commit yourself life will get better.

You do however sound depressed.. And if its clinical it wont go away by itself.

[SirRawrsalot]

"no more cutting" ~ Sam... I'm going to ignore that because I'm never going to stop. I've finally come down to Earth. I might reduce it by not stressing out, but I'm a dumbass for starting and a dumbass for thinking I can stop.

And hyper, I'm not suree it's clinical depression. 15 was the best age ever. I started working, my mom was only a part time drunk. I wasn't paying bills, but I was giving money to my mom most of the time. I was happy. I was perfectly fine have noo hot water or lights most of the time. I didn't care. I think I became spoiled because I could afford cable AND telephone service AND electricity and now that I can't I'm pissed to say the least. I also realized why I beat myself up so much about my living situation. I always thought tin the back of my mind "where did I go wrong to be stuck in this mess, wtf did I do wrong? Who did I offend?" I think I'm starting to convince myself it isn't all me.

"...you just lost it a bit." lol you have no idea.

[Hyper]

Well you shouldn't beat yourself up mentally about stuff.. Usually we don't even notice that we're the ones putting ourselves down so much that it hurts for others to watch

I hope you can get through school and all. I doubt your the kind of guy who would want to work some crappy job for all of his life

[SirRawrsalot]

That's why I can't wait to get into and out of college. These sucky jobs ..... suck.