Acronychal
June 29th, 2008, 02:00 AM
WARNING: This is an excessively long post.
I love my mom, don't get me wrong, but she's scaring the crap out of me.
My father is moving out of the house, after seven years of living with us. My parents have never been married, and broke up when I was 2 (I'm currently 15). I don't really mind, I'm not getting a complex from all of this or anything, but the stress surrounding it is ENORMOUS!
A couple of nights ago my mother and I were talking and she was wondering why I don't care about the fact that my dad's staying in Toronto as opposed to living here while he's trying to find an apartment. Then she rants about how I don't feel ANYTHING. Then, I don't remember how it came up, but I told her that he was taking care of his (sort of) girlfriend's cat and appartment. She told me that I'd lied to her about where he was staying and asked why I didn't tell her earlier. She'd never asked, so it didn't seem necessary. I don't much feel like reporting back every word my father says to me, to her like a spy(I didn't tell her that part though). Then she had a nervous breakdown. She screamed at me, threatened to move out, told me that I was better off without her and left. When my mother snaps, it's not like a twig snapping, it's like the ENTIRE tree. Her reactions are about 10 times worse than an average person's, because she's bipolar. And, when she gets like this, I freeze. I forget how to speak, I just start sobbing. I can't take it. Then she gets even ANGRIER at me for not being able to answer her questions. When she left for a few hours I was so worried. Was she going to be okay? What about her blood pressure? How will she get her medication in the morning? She's not thinking straight, what if she becomes suicidal? This is all my fault, why did I have to push her over the edge? She came back a few hours later, and we worked it out. She'd directed all the rage she had at my father to me.
Well, today (technically yesterday) my father didn't give her the money he usually does, on time. Yesterday, he told her he would, today. It was about 2 in the afternoon and she was stressed out that he didn't give her money. Then she had ANOTHER nervous breakdown. This time it was like watching a 3 year old have a temper tantrum. Except A LOT worse. I thought I should have called an ambulance, but all I could do was stand there, useless and pathetic. My mother got my aunt to call him and explain the situation and why she was so stressed about it. Then he called the house (luckily my mother went out) and starts ranting to me saying she's fabricating all of her stress. I understand my mother a little bit, and tried defending her. It's not all in her head, her reactions are just really, REALLY extreme. Nonetheless, he wouldn't listen to me.
I'm tired of having to choose sides. I'm tired of my mother screaming. I'm tired of my father just NOT caring. I'm tired of tears and worries. I'm tired of being so useless. In all of this I feel pathetic and selfish. I feel like such a waste of space. I don't contribute to the household, I don't really do much at all. I go out, I walk around the town to be out of the house as much as possible. I always feel like this is my fault. If I'd never been born, everything would be so much easier for them. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I CAN do...
I love my mom, don't get me wrong, but she's scaring the crap out of me.
My father is moving out of the house, after seven years of living with us. My parents have never been married, and broke up when I was 2 (I'm currently 15). I don't really mind, I'm not getting a complex from all of this or anything, but the stress surrounding it is ENORMOUS!
A couple of nights ago my mother and I were talking and she was wondering why I don't care about the fact that my dad's staying in Toronto as opposed to living here while he's trying to find an apartment. Then she rants about how I don't feel ANYTHING. Then, I don't remember how it came up, but I told her that he was taking care of his (sort of) girlfriend's cat and appartment. She told me that I'd lied to her about where he was staying and asked why I didn't tell her earlier. She'd never asked, so it didn't seem necessary. I don't much feel like reporting back every word my father says to me, to her like a spy(I didn't tell her that part though). Then she had a nervous breakdown. She screamed at me, threatened to move out, told me that I was better off without her and left. When my mother snaps, it's not like a twig snapping, it's like the ENTIRE tree. Her reactions are about 10 times worse than an average person's, because she's bipolar. And, when she gets like this, I freeze. I forget how to speak, I just start sobbing. I can't take it. Then she gets even ANGRIER at me for not being able to answer her questions. When she left for a few hours I was so worried. Was she going to be okay? What about her blood pressure? How will she get her medication in the morning? She's not thinking straight, what if she becomes suicidal? This is all my fault, why did I have to push her over the edge? She came back a few hours later, and we worked it out. She'd directed all the rage she had at my father to me.
Well, today (technically yesterday) my father didn't give her the money he usually does, on time. Yesterday, he told her he would, today. It was about 2 in the afternoon and she was stressed out that he didn't give her money. Then she had ANOTHER nervous breakdown. This time it was like watching a 3 year old have a temper tantrum. Except A LOT worse. I thought I should have called an ambulance, but all I could do was stand there, useless and pathetic. My mother got my aunt to call him and explain the situation and why she was so stressed about it. Then he called the house (luckily my mother went out) and starts ranting to me saying she's fabricating all of her stress. I understand my mother a little bit, and tried defending her. It's not all in her head, her reactions are just really, REALLY extreme. Nonetheless, he wouldn't listen to me.
I'm tired of having to choose sides. I'm tired of my mother screaming. I'm tired of my father just NOT caring. I'm tired of tears and worries. I'm tired of being so useless. In all of this I feel pathetic and selfish. I feel like such a waste of space. I don't contribute to the household, I don't really do much at all. I go out, I walk around the town to be out of the house as much as possible. I always feel like this is my fault. If I'd never been born, everything would be so much easier for them. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I CAN do...