ExiledExistance
June 25th, 2008, 05:06 PM
Right ok, im gonna try explain this as best as i can, its rather complicated tho. Warning, long post.
This all goes bak to bout a yr ago and the 1st guy i ever properly liked. I thought i luvd him, but he was the kinda guy that wud say anyfin to get what he wants, and i soaked it up like a naieve sponge. I got hurt real bad there, ended up losin th 1 thing i wanted to keep u no, and as a result, i didnt wanna let him go, even tho i knew anyfin he said was lies. I fot if i cud change him, and it all worked out, my mistake wudnt be so bad. I fell for his act twice, each time vowing not to again, but yet i would, it was only a matter of time.
Then, after the 2nd time, i started going out with his 3rd cuz, who wos a decent nice genuine guy, was alwis being compared to his cuz tho. He had reservations tho, that he wos the rebound guy. I didnt think he was, it seemed i wos over th 1st guy. Bout a month into the relationship, the 1st guy, who needs a name, mick, started on me, flirting and stuff. Now me bf, had said he wud, but i didnt believe him at the time, and continued trying to be micks friend. In the end up, mick made a move on me, not wanting to cheat, i didnt let him, but then he told me my bf had asked him to make me cheat, just so he cud dump me. I felt totally hurt by this, as well as confused by my returning feelings for mick, and later that day, id kissed him, convinced myself it wosnt cheating, cos i wos gonna get dumped either way. A few wks later, i proper cheated, had sex wif mick. Was fooled, a 3rd time as later of course, i found out mick wos lying thru his teeth, and id lost my bf cos of it, not only that, mick had turned me agenst him slightly. Tho, just talking to him, brought everything back, i cudnt believe how stupid id been.
Obv, he needed time, but he did say he'd go back out with me. Tho he wos really hurt i trusted mick over him. And mick even made it out so that he wosnt actually lying, i wos to 'think outside the box'. I cudnt stop feeling for mick, as well as me ex as well, i didnt know wot to do or think.
And, 1 of me guy mates id liked for ages asked me out. I had pretty much had enuf confusion wif both previous guys, and wanted something easier so i sed yea. This only strengthened the blow to me ex, who wos considerin goin bak out wif me, but i had to go and get un-single. Things went ok wif that guy for a few wks or so, but me ex was talking to me more and more and i cudnt deny wot i stil felt for him. I had to dump me bf. Ive never dumped anyone before tho, and didnt wanna hurt him and so i delayed it, made promises to me ex, me bf and mick that went agenst eachother for fear of losing any of them. Me ex and mick got togeva, realised this, and made me think id lost them, it wos yet anova blow. Tho, in the end, me bf dumped me, wen i wos gonna dump him so that wos sorted.
Things were looking up, he had lost trust in me cos i cheated, but i wos getting it back. Until a few wks ago. I had recently started talking to anova guy, not 1 i particularly liked that much, but hed talk to me. It wos pretty obv he wos making all sorts of moves on me, and asked me to meet him.(he knew my mate so i wosnt worried bout that). I didnt really want to, but i kinda felt i had to, or else id have felt bad for letting him think he had a chance. The night before, i had opportunity to tell this to me ex, who i knew wuda been hurt at me wif anova guy. I was gonna, but chickened out. Instead id been sayin how even tho i wos single i wosnt gonna meet ova guys, yea i meant aftr th next day, but it wos the worst thing i cuda done to say that then. I wrestled with every instinct inside me not to go, but did anyway, and felt i had to kiss him, cos it wos expected it seemed. I didnt enjoy myself at all, it had no meaning, i was betraying my ex for no reason, all cos i cudnt say no. He txtd me that day, asking wot i was up to, i said truthfully i wos wif the guy, and obv he went mental. He got me to meet him, and we talked a lot. he really didnt know what to do with our situation. And mick wasnt helping, he wos trying to turn us agenst eachother, and for that reason, any feeling towards mick is now gone.
So this left us in a terrible mess, trust at emergency lvl. He's always suspicious of me, paranoid, and doesnt trust anything i say, he cant believe i love him, when i do so much. And to make things worse, i keep lying about my motivation for things, the cheating, meeting the guy etc, cos im scared if i say what i mean id lose him for good. But the lying just makes it worse when he knows im lying, and that makes him trust me less.I cant stop it tho, i dont even know my reasons for things myself anymore.
I dont think i deserve him, but i cant live wifout him. I need help on how to rebuild trust, and stop lying before its too late. We are going out again, but its only been 3 days and already theres problems. He cant dump me, but he cant pretend he's not hurt by this.
I just ont know what to do.
Advice would be appreciated, especially if u managed to get thru the long complicated post :)
This all goes bak to bout a yr ago and the 1st guy i ever properly liked. I thought i luvd him, but he was the kinda guy that wud say anyfin to get what he wants, and i soaked it up like a naieve sponge. I got hurt real bad there, ended up losin th 1 thing i wanted to keep u no, and as a result, i didnt wanna let him go, even tho i knew anyfin he said was lies. I fot if i cud change him, and it all worked out, my mistake wudnt be so bad. I fell for his act twice, each time vowing not to again, but yet i would, it was only a matter of time.
Then, after the 2nd time, i started going out with his 3rd cuz, who wos a decent nice genuine guy, was alwis being compared to his cuz tho. He had reservations tho, that he wos the rebound guy. I didnt think he was, it seemed i wos over th 1st guy. Bout a month into the relationship, the 1st guy, who needs a name, mick, started on me, flirting and stuff. Now me bf, had said he wud, but i didnt believe him at the time, and continued trying to be micks friend. In the end up, mick made a move on me, not wanting to cheat, i didnt let him, but then he told me my bf had asked him to make me cheat, just so he cud dump me. I felt totally hurt by this, as well as confused by my returning feelings for mick, and later that day, id kissed him, convinced myself it wosnt cheating, cos i wos gonna get dumped either way. A few wks later, i proper cheated, had sex wif mick. Was fooled, a 3rd time as later of course, i found out mick wos lying thru his teeth, and id lost my bf cos of it, not only that, mick had turned me agenst him slightly. Tho, just talking to him, brought everything back, i cudnt believe how stupid id been.
Obv, he needed time, but he did say he'd go back out with me. Tho he wos really hurt i trusted mick over him. And mick even made it out so that he wosnt actually lying, i wos to 'think outside the box'. I cudnt stop feeling for mick, as well as me ex as well, i didnt know wot to do or think.
And, 1 of me guy mates id liked for ages asked me out. I had pretty much had enuf confusion wif both previous guys, and wanted something easier so i sed yea. This only strengthened the blow to me ex, who wos considerin goin bak out wif me, but i had to go and get un-single. Things went ok wif that guy for a few wks or so, but me ex was talking to me more and more and i cudnt deny wot i stil felt for him. I had to dump me bf. Ive never dumped anyone before tho, and didnt wanna hurt him and so i delayed it, made promises to me ex, me bf and mick that went agenst eachother for fear of losing any of them. Me ex and mick got togeva, realised this, and made me think id lost them, it wos yet anova blow. Tho, in the end, me bf dumped me, wen i wos gonna dump him so that wos sorted.
Things were looking up, he had lost trust in me cos i cheated, but i wos getting it back. Until a few wks ago. I had recently started talking to anova guy, not 1 i particularly liked that much, but hed talk to me. It wos pretty obv he wos making all sorts of moves on me, and asked me to meet him.(he knew my mate so i wosnt worried bout that). I didnt really want to, but i kinda felt i had to, or else id have felt bad for letting him think he had a chance. The night before, i had opportunity to tell this to me ex, who i knew wuda been hurt at me wif anova guy. I was gonna, but chickened out. Instead id been sayin how even tho i wos single i wosnt gonna meet ova guys, yea i meant aftr th next day, but it wos the worst thing i cuda done to say that then. I wrestled with every instinct inside me not to go, but did anyway, and felt i had to kiss him, cos it wos expected it seemed. I didnt enjoy myself at all, it had no meaning, i was betraying my ex for no reason, all cos i cudnt say no. He txtd me that day, asking wot i was up to, i said truthfully i wos wif the guy, and obv he went mental. He got me to meet him, and we talked a lot. he really didnt know what to do with our situation. And mick wasnt helping, he wos trying to turn us agenst eachother, and for that reason, any feeling towards mick is now gone.
So this left us in a terrible mess, trust at emergency lvl. He's always suspicious of me, paranoid, and doesnt trust anything i say, he cant believe i love him, when i do so much. And to make things worse, i keep lying about my motivation for things, the cheating, meeting the guy etc, cos im scared if i say what i mean id lose him for good. But the lying just makes it worse when he knows im lying, and that makes him trust me less.I cant stop it tho, i dont even know my reasons for things myself anymore.
I dont think i deserve him, but i cant live wifout him. I need help on how to rebuild trust, and stop lying before its too late. We are going out again, but its only been 3 days and already theres problems. He cant dump me, but he cant pretend he's not hurt by this.
I just ont know what to do.
Advice would be appreciated, especially if u managed to get thru the long complicated post :)