i ahd thoughts of suicide and this time i was so close...

[dewy11]

i live in a kinda small town and i come from a family that works alot and iget involved in this work everyday. my dad does fabrication with metal and materials. everyday since summer haas got out he expects me to do something (work) and my brother can stand the work even likes it. this work is not easy work its not easy in any way. its grueling work. i play xbox360 and dream and hope to god that i can be a game desiner or something that has to do with video games. i try this work but cant stand it. i try to avoid it at all cost but today my dad was returning from a work trip hes always gone to. i wa playing the xbox and he yelled down the steps for me to go out and finish sweeping the shops pad witch i was suppose to do the other day but i just couldnt do it cause i hate doing anything to do with the shop. i went out to sweep the shop and i need my truck to move something and i went up to the house and when i walked in the door he looked at me and said hed thrown my xbox in our pool cause i didnt clean up the downstairs. and a tear came to my eye cause if i could saveanything in a house fire it would be that. the xbox is kinda my gettaway from my problems in life. its my help my phyciatrist my therapist and my stress relever. i walked upstairs to my room and sat on my bed for about a minute and then my dad came up the stairs and came in the room and yelled at me telling me that i had my head up my ass and that he cant tell me to do anything that i can do. and i just looked down and i cant stand to look into my dads eyes. and he told me to look him in the face and i tryed but i couldnt i could only look at his chin. he thengrabbed my hair and threw my head back i sat back up then he ckock slammed me on the bed and hit me in the stomach a couple of times and i just tryed to protect my self as many times as i could but i was soooo scared i couldnt belive it. this was the first time he really ever hit me really hard. he then turned and punched my punchiing bag so hard the house shook. he told me i was going on a work trip with him the next day. and i just kinda got up scared shitless and kinda walked twards the door to leave and i passed a knife and i looked at it and thoughts of suicide flooded my brain and a feeling like no other feel over me like when u get one of those near death experiences and i felt so bad and like my body knew i would do it. i just put the knife in my pocket and walkd to the shop. i had had thoughts of suicide before but never this strong. i felt as tho there was no exscape that this was the only way. i walkd to the shop and wanted to get in my truck and drive away but i couldnt so i went down to the shop and sat down thinkin of how much i hated him and i truly do hate him. ive hated him for a while. i pulled the knife out and looked at it. and i prayed to god about EVERYTHING i prayed he woul help me but i feel as though there is no help. i looked at it again thinking about what i would miss and what would happen. i thought about how much i wanted to hurt my dad by thinking about how bad he would feel knowing that he did this to me and i wish i could see that. idk why but i do. i didnt commit suicide today cause i wouldnt be able to see how he felt and i would go to hell. but i want to stop this and tell him i dont want to do his job when i get older but i cant and i want to stop this pain i cant... i just need help. i just cant bear to get help from a phycatrist or anything but i need a change and fast... plz post your thoughts

[byee]

Oh, I'm really sorry for you, this sounds terrible. But, if you're old enough to drive, it must be close to your being able to leave home permanently. Enjoy that fantasy, it's probably better than xBox!

I don't know if you can sit down and clamly talk with your dad about all this, maybe in the car ride? Maybe if you calmly tell him you do not enjoy the work, that it's miserable for you, and that you would be willing to do something else, he might be in a better position to understand your resistance? Can that happen, can you talk and reason with him?

Maybe he doesn't really know why you feel this way, but then again, maybe he just isn't concerned and thinks you should be working anyway. If that's the case, I think you have 2 options. One is to involve your mom, maybe she can be an advocate for you with dad. sometimes, dads can hear stuff from moms that they can't hear from their kids. Have you calmly discussed all this with her?

The other option is to just suck it up and deal with it as best you can, and to follow your dad's instructions, if only to avoid getting your favorite things thrown out, or to avoid getting into fights, and frankly to avoid feeling as desperate and lonely as you do. I'd think the way you feel now is far worse for you than the feelings you get sweeping the shop.

Childhood is temporary, and it sounds like yours is almost thru, anyway, so just make the best of it. You've survived this long, a couple of years is the home stretch. Just make good plans for the time when you finaly leave home permanently , so you can be done with him permanently. And be thankful you're not him.

Harming yourself, or even thinking about it is foolish, as it would prevent you from finally being done with him AND begin to have all the good things that go along with that. Besides, he'd probably miss the point of your suicide, anyway.

Hang in there, think about tomorrow, and make plans. And do what you need to, to go along with his instructions.

keep me posted.

[dewy11]

you have been an unbeliveable help to me. ive decided that this work is not for me and that no matter how much he wants me to run the company he cant make me. and i didnt have to go on this work trip this time because my littlesister has to b watched over. i couldnt tell my dad but i did tell my mom there is no way in hell i will do the work when i get older and she did get a little angerd and said that work puts clothes on our backs and food on the table but theres other ways in making money so why not do what i enjoy doing? your right tho i only have two years left until i can go away... far far away lol thanks so much ur help has been unexplanable

[byee]

Glad I could help, another satisfied customer!

Just about anything is tolerable when you have a longer view of things and see it as temporary. Stay focused on that. And, it will help your case immensely if you remember NOt to be angry or belligerent about this, try to talk calmly and reasonably with them, if/when the job/work stuff comes up.