Im losing it...

[Nemo]

Okay, so here's the deal, I'm kind of calm now, at least enough to type this. Ive been considering suicide and its been really hard on me because at the same time, I don't want to hurt anyone. This is all happening because I feel so alone. I was really alone before this one girl that I've grown to like a lot showed me how caring and nice she is. It's been about 6 months since we've been talking and she knows that I like her and everything. She led me on a few times which totally sucked because she always ended breaking it off very quickly, yet I love her so much. So I basically tell her everything, about my suicidal feelings and all. I've sort of become emotionally attached to her and she doesn't like that but she still tries to be my friend, she really is an amazing person... I can't handle the fact that she doesn't have the same feelings for me. So today we were hanging out at my house as friends and she starts saying how quiet I am, which she doesn't like btw, and so I basically just tell her everything again about how I feel, and me being suicidal, and I'm standing there, about to cry. She says she can't even look at me because she doesn't want to see me cry. So in the end, I take her home and she tells me that she thinks its best if we dont speak for a while so I can get used to not having her in my life... So im driving home and i start crying because i didn't want to cry in front of her after she said she didn't want me to. And i get home and im just shaking and i cant even think well. I just feel so alone, and now i dont even have her to talk to anymore, I have no one... I just cant do it alone, im falling apart.

EDIT: oh and when she said we shouldnt talk for a while, i basically said that im going to leave that up to her and told her to talk to me when she wants. But idk if i can even handle that

[SirRawrsalot]

1) I want to make sure you don't commit suicide. When I'm really depressed (like, suicidal depressed) I either read or watch this show: http://tvshack.net/tv_shows/Aqua_Teen_hunger_Force/season_3/episode_9/
That will get your mind off it for a while.

2) She might think that you're too dependent on her and she probably feels uncomfortable with it. You need to find a new way to vent. Personally I use VT (so you've come to the right place).

What exactly started your depression in the first place? Was it one big event or a chain of little ones?

[Nemo]

What started it? well i never had many good friends and ive always had suicide in the back of my mind, but it wasnt until she showed me that true loving and caring that i realized how alone i really was and it got worse when she pushed me away.

[SirRawrsalot]

Well, I know how you feel... minus the one caring person. I really don't think that suicide will help unless you want to run away from the problem. You need to confront your problems. Try talking to her and saying that you'll stop the suicide talk to her (leave that to a therapist which will help) and that you want to keep in communications, or something along those lines. You definitely need to talk to her. She sounds like a nice person and should understand. I don't think she's trying to push you away, I think she thinks that you need your own space. And you're never alone, there's always someone who cares about you, whether it's one person or 20 people. And suicide will hurt those people a lot.

[Nemo]

I tried telling her id stop before but when she asked why i was so quiet I just told her the truth and broke down

EDIT: She's the only one that knows, and today she threatened to tell someone about it, which i dont want her to do, i know shes just looking out for me, but i dont want her to tell anyone

EDIT: I also feel alone around her too which is a big problem, i love her, I really do dont try to tell me otherwise because you dont know... and she told me twice that she liked me back and we tried getting together, but after a couple days, she always broke it off, and now she says she doesnt have any feelings for me. When im around her I feel like she feels awkward and I cant handle everything because of what I want. But at the same time, she has been there for me for a long time and I know she wouldnt just leave. My feelings are tearing me apart. This has led us to several arguments/fights that we always seemed to get through but now its just empty, i feel empty like theres nothing left. I want her to like me back, i know it will make me feel better because it did before, because not only will i have what i want in life, but I will have someone to live for. She really means alot to me, and i couldnt imagine loving anyone else right now. Now, this isnt all about her its about me being lonely, but she has been a big part of my life, and i feel like im losing her, and losing my life along with her.

[SirRawrsalot]

Well I guess the only other option is to wait it out. Time heals all wounds I suppose. I just really hope you don't go through with suicide. You may think people don't give a damn, but if you commit suicide you'll hurt a lot of people who you never would've thought cared.

[Nemo]

idk i just feel like one of these times im going to freak out and go through with it and im scared.

btw i added a large edit to my post above if you want to take a look

[SirRawrsalot]

I think if you wait it out it should end up being okay. Don't think about losing her. You aren't going to lose her, she isn't going anywhere. She probably just wants you to be a little more stable. Have you ever considered a therapist? I think that if you started feeling better about yourself and gave this a little time she would start to feel less awkward. Because it isn't fun being with someone who you think might commit suicide soon. If you made some new friends and maybe saw a therapist (if it's at all possible) I think you'd be pretty well off. I honestly believe she is just giving you space to become more emotionally stable. That's what I think.

[Nemo]

i dont want to see a therapist... and i know im not really losing her but i still cant handle my feelings, and im going to be a senior in high school next year, and its our last year together

i just feel alone without her, i have other friends but none of them are anything close to what she means to me, and i cant really talk to them about stuff

EDIT: She always told me how strong I was... and the last thing she said to me was "You'll be okay" and i dont want to let her down... i dont cry often, but all of this... it just brings me to tears and idk if im as strong as she thinks i am

EDIT: she also said that i DO make her feel awkward because she feels like i expect something from her, i mean i would like her, but i dont EXPECT anything, and she doesnt understand that, which is another reason i think shes kind of pushing me away

[SirRawrsalot]

Well, you're as strong as you think you are. You need some self-esteem. You seem like a caring and nice person, give yourself some credit. And if there really isn't meant to be a relationship between you two (from whatever force or God you believe in) then there won't be. The point is it'll work out. Don't think about the future and what awful thing might happen, think about now and what you want to do. I wouldn't be too upset because it's easy to stay in touch with people. I'm in touch with good friends who I haven't seen in 4 years who live in a different country. I think you'll be okay if she goes to a different college. :D Just try to calm down and relax and wait for her to talk to you. And if she doesn't after..let's say a week, then you make the first move and talk to her. I'm with her, I think you'll be okay. You are strong enough to pull through, you have to want to and I think you want to.

[Nemo]

i dont think shes going to talk to me for a couple weeks because she goes to camp on tuesday... and i need to let her say something first because it may look like im desperate. I just hope i dont do anything drastic impulsively. honestly im really scared, and i really have no motivation to do anything which totally sucks...

btw thank you so much...

[SirRawrsalot]

How about the motivation of getting to talk to her again? If you have motivation (which is easy to see) it won't make you look or seem like who you are. It masks your personality and gives people something to judge you by. You should just do something to entertain yourself like TV or read a book or chat on VT. Anything at all to keep your mind off being depressed.

btw it's my pleasure to help. :D

[Nemo]

Yeah, i dont WANT to die... i guess that's a start... i do need to entertain myself, i feel almost imprisoned in my house though. Actually i just remembered shell be at a party tomorrow that i was thinking about going to (its right down my street) but idk if i can handle it

[SirRawrsalot]

Not wanting to die is the best start there is. I think it's smart to play it safe because there are a lot of other dumb things people can do that don't require suicide that they would use in a frustrating time and you don't want to be there. If you go and it is too overwhelming then you could just say you're going home.. it's right down the street.

[Nemo]

I think ill try to go, i have nothing to lose. everythings just been really hard for me, and no one understands. that girl (im not going to use her name) doesnt even understand, she tries to help, but she doesnt understand why i feel the way i do. I know im not the only one in the world that has thought about it, but not having anyone that can relate to me is kind of frustrating.

Towards the end of the school year there was this kid in some of my classes that started making fun of suicide. I got kind of pissed of at him because it was too much for me, i absolutely hate when people joke about killing themselves because they have no idea. He joked about it constantly, that girl backed me up at times, and she took alot of crap from him because of it. No one knew why she got so pissed off at him for the things that he said, everyone else thought it was funny. idk i just though that showed that she really cared.

[SirRawrsalot]

Not everyone has ever even thought of someone killing them self. I hate kids who use the term "emo" as if cutters are as ridiculous as that. I just ignore them. Because eventually they'll come into contact with it (in your case someone might attempt suicide (not you)) and it'll scare the shit out of them. It sounds like she is really trying to do what will help you, but she doesn't know what that might be. Going to a party is a good idea just remember that you can always leave early. Just give her some time and see what happens at the party.

[Nemo]

Okay, i think im alot more calm than i was earlier, thank you. I might need to come back to this thread if i need more help. Im trying to keep going, ive said before (to that girl) that i dont give up without a fight, i just felt like i was losing the battle earlier, im stable enough to think about my actions.

[SirRawrsalot]

I'm really glad that I could help (if I did help lol). And I'll be on and off VT for like, another 3 hours and there are a lot of other people here who can be really great. So you can pretty much expect a reply on this thread at anytime.

[Nemo]

you did help :)

theres something thats bugging me though, maybe i just dont understand. Okay we were actually playing ping pong when we started to talk about suicide today. I told her i couldnt keep playing because of how i felt, and i asked her if we could sit and talk. She turned around, thought for a minute, and turned to me and said "no, i cant" thats when she said that she couldnt watch me cry. i actually walked to another room to collect myself alittle and came back to find her sitting against the wall and i sat next to her and apologized for everything. She looked at me and said "Stop! you look like youre going to cry" shes used to hugging me and stuff but this time she didnt. Why would she stop me from crying? why would she not give me a shoulder to cry on? i know she understands enough to realize that it can make me cry. It doesnt make sense to me... she wanted me to hold in my feelings which she usually doesnt like.

[SirRawrsalot]

Maybe she doesn't think she can help or be supportive? She might be depressed too. It's a sensitive subject. Suicide isn't on the normal dialog of most conversations. lol You'd have to ask her. I'm really not sure.

[Nemo]

yeah, i guess she's the only one that knows the answer to that question. im still trying to keep my mind straight and its kind of hard. ive been this deep before, actually thats when i told her, the first time i broke down, i just needed someone to talk to, just like i did today. The only thing that held me back was the though of hurting those around me, i guess thats a good thing but idk if that can save me forever. I just have to be positive i guess. Im kind of just talking to myself (sorry)

[SirRawrsalot]

Do whatever you want that helps! :D If I judge than 1 I'm an idiot 2 I'm a hypocrite. lol Being positive about yourself is the key. The more you think of yourself the more others will think of you. If you think your a hopeless loser (which you aren't), than what can anyone else think? I don't think that makes too much sense, but that's what experience has taught me.

[Nemo]

she didnt talk to me at the party, but i had a good time so it was worth going to. I just figured id give you guys an update, things are going pretty well. I got a job too :) itll keep my mind off things. I dont start until next week though. Hopefully I can keep motivated. Im feeling pretty good, i cant believe i almost gave up...

[SirRawrsalot]

That's great! I hope things keep going this smoothly! Just give her some time.

[Nemo]

Things are getting bad again. I really dont know what to do. I feel alone and empty and stressed out. I get alot of headaches and I just cant deal with this loneliness. Im semi-okay now but things were pretty hard earlier. I realized today that when i get like this I usually get everyone mad at me and that really makes things worse

[SirRawrsalot]

You need to learn to vent your anger without upsetting people around you. Try...working out or if you don't have access to a gym just sprint for as long as you possibly can. Or a punching bag. Or video games. There are a lot of options, just try to find what works for you. And you are never alone. You can think you're alone, but there's always people who care about you. You just have to look for them and welcome them. If there's anything I can do to help, I'll be on all night. (or day..whatever it is for you.... I'll be on another 5 or 6 hours. lol)

[Nemo]

I dont necessarily just yell at people out of anger, I kind of just say what I think without realizing how it will make them feel. I dont even know what im saying half the time until after I say it

[SirRawrsalot]

lol I'm kind of like that all the time. That is just not thinking too clearly all the time. That just takes practice. :D Is that the only reason you're feeling bad? There's gotta be something else going on.

[Nemo]

I did that BECAUSE i felt bad. Yeah im stressed. That girl from before decided to start talking to me again. I cant say thats going very well she pretty much confirmed what I though, she told that she has been pushing me away... so yeah im just kind of like wtf... she says she just doesnt want to hurt me anymore. I got her to promise not to tell anyone about my suicide problem which eased my mind a little. I have alot of summer homework that I should be doing but i dont have the motivation, and I have a new job at Starbucks and its confusing the hell out of me

[SirRawrsalot]

Well, there are billions of people. And maybe 51 percent of them are women. So. One person may seem really special, but you never know who is actually the love of your life. Who needs motivation, justt don't think about how you feeel about it, just do it. That's what I do wiith my jobs and school work. And it pays off... a lot! Trust me. And as for your job 1 congrats 2 you'll get the hang of it.

[Nemo]

I understand that and its not the fact that I like this girl, its the fact that I still wanted to be her friend and she told me she did too, then she goes and tells me she pushes me away. I told her that that really doesnt help with me feeling empty and alone, but she really doesnt get the picture. I dont know, its just hard on me because shes one of the few people that actually cared about me, and the only real (non-internet) person i could talk to about everything.

And i hope i can get the hang of this job it just feels overwhelming, i dont even drink coffee and now im learning how to make Frappachino's and lattes and all this other stuff its just confusing

[SirRawrsalot]

Well, maybe she doesn't feel comfortable being your vent? Some people get really nervous in situations like that. And I'm real ! lol I'm just on the otherside of the screen! :P And as for the job, if you get a gf and can make their favorite drink they'll be pleasantly surprised. So practice.

[Nemo]

I know youre real lol :rolleyes: i just meant someone I personally know

well i feel quite a bit better today but I just feel like something is missing and its just an empty feeling. its not a feeling that I want to live with

[SirRawrsalot]

I'm glad you're feeling better. Try to find a way to take your mind off of it, a hobby or something.

[Nemo]

Tennis usually makes me feel better, but i havnt been out to the courts in awhile, ill try to get out there

Im actually feeling alot better right now, for no reason really

[SirRawrsalot]

Don't think about why you're feeling good, just feel good! lol You have to roll with it.

[Hyper]

Tennis usually makes me feel better, but i havnt been out to the courts in awhile, ill try to get out there

Im actually feeling alot better right now, for no reason really

Thats the best feeling & reason