Alcoholic Cousin

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

I've known my dad's cousin for my whole life, he lives just across town, and he's always been pretty on top of things. Life's thrown some bad things his way, but he's always seemed to deal with it. About a month ago we found out he'd been drinking a lot (like, up to 20 beers per day), and he and his wife separated because of it. He went to the doctor, got some medicine, and was sober for about 3 weeks. His wife is still living with her parents though, their son is with her, and his two daughters from a previous marriage are living with their mother, so he's been alone in his house for a while now. He's started drinking again, and almost killed himself last week. He says it wasn't his intention, but his ex-wife went to check on him (because he is the father of her children, and she wants to be sure he's ok) and found him drunk, with a knife, bleeding profusely from his wrists. He went to the hospital and got cleaned up, then spent the night in jail to sober up (why jail and not in the hospital under observation I don't know). My dad was always his idol as a kid, and right now he's sort of taken him under his wing to make sure he's getting help and staying under control. He stayed at our house the last two nights, (he goes home in the morning for a few hours to get a shower and change, and we pick him up a few hours later), we've been keeping him occupied and forcing him to eat. We're letting him drink (because if you stop something like that cold turkey, you get sick), but he's limited to 7 beers per day (my parents are counting). My dad took him to the doctor today, got a prescription for some medication, and when he refused to go to an outpatient rehab center, he got the number of a psychiatrist and my dad made sure he made an appointment. He says he wants to change, but he's so depressed that he doesn't seem to be sure if it's even possible.

He's so different from the way he used to be. Normally, he and my dad are joking and laughing, but while he's been here he's been quiet, withdrawn, he actually walked into our house with his head down, his shoulders sort of hunched, and his arms folded tight across his chest, and he's actually been taking his beer into the bathroom and drinking in there, because I think he's embarrassed that he needs to drink so much.

I may be seeing a lot more of him these days, until his wife moves back in or until my dad thinks he's stable enough to live alone, and I guess I'm just not sure what to do. I don't know him too well, I mean he's only five years younger than my dad and I've never spent too much time with him. I know he won't be coming to me for advice, but I still want to make sure that this house is a supportive environment while he's staying with us. I've never dealt with this before though, what am I supposed to do? Is there much of anything I can do, should I leave this to my parents?

[byee]

Jessi, your folks are doing a good thing here. I think you should get some guidance from them about how to handle your cousin. Maybe even from him.

He's got some serious issues that have gotten the best of him, and as he points out, It's not just got a drinking problem, but also a pretty major depression as well (maybe the two are related). There's this discomfort with people who have 'issues', esp. when they're clearly tormented by them. But, it might be helpful to remember that in addition to those 'issues' (and the maladaptive ways he copes with them), he's also a 'regular' person. So, you might try simply acknowledging his situation ("I'm really sorry you're going thru so much stuff, but I'm also really glad you're here so we can help"), and then just relating to him as a 'normal' person.

Often, what's missed most by those tortured by their demons is normalcy. Maybe all you need to do to be supportive is to be yourself and relate to that 'normal' part of himself. Maybe jsut your presence as a 'normal' person treating him 'normally' might be the most beneficial thing you can do.

[Hyper]

Don't do anything differently. If he does come to you just be yourself.. Its hard to explain but theres not much you can do.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Alright. Thanks, guys. :) I've been trying to act as normal as I can (while still trying to do things like keep from drawing attention to it when, due to the alcohol, he doesn't always remember things that were said the night before). He seems to be improving a little bit. He's still got issues, but he seemed more sober today than he's been for the past few days. Hopefully things will keep improving for him.

[japanman]

Good to hear things are improving for him jessi.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Perhaps I spoke too soon. The phone just rang, my dad talked to someone for a few minutes, and now both of my parents have just left. In a hurry, too; they didn't say why, and my mom didn't change out of her pajamas, they just said they'd be back, threw shoes on, and left. It takes something big to get both of my parents out of the house in 15 seconds flat at 10:30 pm. Unfortunately, I didn't glance at the call ID when the phone was ringing, so I don't know if it was my cousin's wife or ex-wife who called, but I do think this has something to do with him. We'll see what happens, I guess.

[Gumleaf]

it took a near death experience for my cousin to realise that alcohol would kill him if he didn't stop drinking. he ran into a power pole in his car and was seriously injured. the good news now is that he has been sober for ages, he is married and has 2 kids now and he is going well. hopefully if something has happened, it might give him a wake up call to change his ways. hope everything is ok jessi.

[Oblivion]

I'm sorry Jessi, i hope your cousin is alright and pulls through

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Well, I have an update. Apparently it was Craig (cousin) who called the house. He slit his wrists and took a ton of pills, told my dad he was bleeding pretty bad but didn't want him to call anyone. Well, obviously my parents called 911 on the way over, they couldn't get a hold of him again and didn't know how bad it was, and I guess he's gonna be ok. He'll need stitches, they'll pump his stomach, and my guess is he'll be there overnight on suicide watch and evaluated by the psych department. I hope they can get him into a good rehab program, for his alcoholism and his depression, but since he's an adult I don't think they can force him. I know my parents will try though, and I'm sure his will too, when they get here. They live 2 hours away, and my parents promised to stay with Craig until they get here (he was adamant about not wanting to be alone, he didn't even want the paramedics to take him away in the first place).

So, good news is he'll survive and this pretty much guarantees he'll get some help (I trust my parents and his to play the, "If not for yourself, than for Viviana and the kids" card, if they have to). The bad news, though, is that he's suffering more than we thought he was, and its going to take a while for him to recover from it all.

[Oblivion]

Awww I'm sorry Jessi! I hope he gets better again :)

:hug:

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Thanks. I really appreciate it. :)

[japanman]

Hang in there jessi. I bet your cousin is gonna go thourgh rehab and be all right
Hang in there.

[byee]

This is relly bad, Jessi. Not only for him and his family, and your folks, but for you, too. It's that helplessness in the face of such danger.

It's good he has your folks there, all of you actually sound very supportive. However, be realistic here, make sure you have realistic expectations, this sounds really bad, and in spite of everyone else wanting him to be better, he unfortunately has a different idea. It's hard to get comfortable with that, but in the end, he'll do what he wants, even if it's really bad, and there isn;t much anyone can do, but watch in horror.

I remember my dad the Shrink saying once that if someone is in imminent danger of hurting themself that the doc can 'Paper' him committ him against his will to a hospital for 15 days, and in the meantime, the family can go for 'Probate', which means that a couple of shrinks examine him and if they find him in danger of hurting himself, they can committ him I think for up to a year. Maybe you should pass that info along to your folks.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the support. :)

Craig was in the hospital for today, but this evening they moved him to a center in another town, where he has to stay for 72 hours. We can call/visit him, but only from 6-7:30pm, so he'll have to spend more time with doctors and people who can get him some help. He's in denial though, and I kind of think he snowballed us with suddenly getting better these past few days. He's said he's remorseful and wants to get better, but at times I wonder if he really does. He knows we can't legally force him to get help, but he's been in the hospital twice in the past week-ish for self-inflicted injuries. And last night, the ER docs were talking to my parents, and apparently his alcohol levels were through the roof, 5 times the legal limit. He said he knew he wouldn't be able to do it sober, he was worried about the pain, so he chugged 4 or 5 beers in 5 minutes. Although he said it didn't help, it still hurt like hell. He doesn't remember calling my dad though, doesn't remember anything except getting loaded into the ambulance and then waking up this morning in an ER bed, which is sorta good and sorta bad. I guess it's good, it'd be a traumatic memory, but at the same time maybe it would shake some sense into him, to remember all of the pain and not just a split-second of it, to remember the look on my parents' faces, to remember how scared he was as he begged my parents not to leave him. Maybe then he'd agree he needs help, but right now he's just concerned with getting back home as soon as he can, by being agreeable and fake-happy, and not by actually going through the process.

He's so depressed though, and he needs help for that. He thinks he can do it on his own, that it's something he can fix and just get over it, but he can't. He doesn't realize that depression is, to an extent, chemical, and that he may need more than just willpower to get through it. At the very least he needs therapy, which could do wonders for his OCD, too (when he'd smoke in our yard, he'd water down the lawn three times afterwards to be sure the house didn't burn down, and when he slept here he checked the doors three times to be sure they were locked before he could relax). I don't know what it'll take for him to see it, and I wonder if he might do this again.

He has talked seriously about quitting drinking, and he actually calculated out how much money he'd save if he did (something like $400 per month), so that's a good sign. And I doubt they'll let him drink where he is now, just give him medicine to help keep him from withdrawing, so that could help, getting him into the habit of not having a beer in his hand.

I don't know though. Right now there's no real plan for 73 hours from now, so we'll see how it goes.

[byee]

This is relly bad, Jessi. Not only for him and his family, and your folks, but for you, too. It's that helplessness in the face of such danger.

It's good he has your folks there, all of you actually sound very supportive. However, be realistic here, make sure you have realistic expectations, this sounds really bad, and in spite of everyone else wanting him to be better, he unfortunately has a different idea. It's hard to get comfortable with that, but in the end, he'll do what he wants, even if it's really bad, and there isn;t much anyone can do, but watch in horror.

I remember my dad the Shrink saying once that if someone is in imminent danger of hurting themself that the doc can 'Paper' him committ him against his will to a hospital for 15 days, and in the meantime, the family can go for 'Probate', which means that a couple of shrinks examine him and if they find him in danger of hurting himself, they can committ him I think for up to a year. Maybe you should pass that info along to your folks.

Jessi, maybe you didn't get to read what I wrote, I think it might be helpful to you.

The docs CAN (and maybe should) committ him, esp. given his history. maybe you should tell your folks about this.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

I was waiting to see what the doctors were going to do once they'd assessed him--at the time I posted, he was just being transferred, and part of the lack of a plan was due to the lack of being in the facility long enough.

At this point, he's definitely staying in the behavioral health center for a while. Last I heard, the earliest possible date he could be free to choose outpatient care instead of inpatient (because of course they're not just going to kick him out with no continued help), would be this coming Thursday, but that's not very likely. He's currently in a building with other patients who are struggling with alcohol and/or substance abuse, so he has people he can relate to and (hopefully) will realize he's not the only one who's had this problem and that he's not insane just because he needs help to control it. He started out in the "AWOL" building, for patients who have attempted to ditch treatment or who may be an immediate danger to themselves (I think because he'd just attempted suicide and because he was so adamant about not wanting to be there), but after some assessment and seeing how he interacts with people, they decided to put him in the other building. Which is good, because after a day in there he was going stir crazy, you have fewer freedoms when you're considered a threat to yourself. He seems to be accepting the fact that he won't get out of there unless he cooperates and really tries to get better, which is good and, after having some breathing room, his wife seems willing to work on their relationship and see if they can't get back together. It's all one step at a time, but it seems like things are looking in the right direction. He's barely just started treatment, so it's hard to say, but he has been put on Prozac for the depression. He's also been put on Librium and my mom said her understanding was that it was being used as one of those stopping-drinking drugs, but my internet research seems to be telling me it's more of an anti-anxiety drug. Prozac is too, but his OCD is pretty bad, maybe he needs another on top of it (I know for a while I was on Prozac and Xanax). Does anyone know if Librium is indeed used as a sort of detox drug, or if she may have gotten the name wrong?

Craig's parents went back home for now, but my family is visiting him every day while he's in there. When his more immediate family is visiting, we give them priority over us, but it helps him to see familiar faces and to know we're supportive of him.

His daughters haven't visited him (it's not something they should see, or a place they should be in, at their age), and I don't know if they've even been told full details yet, because they're so young, but they will be seeing a child psychologist to deal with all of this, so that's good news. They probably wont be seeing much of him these days, since their mom and the psychiatrist both don't want them seeing him just yet, while he's still so unstable (and not to mention still all bandaged up), and even once they do get to see him again they probably won't be let alone with him. He's passed out drunk on the couch while watching them before, and until he's stable enough, I suppose there's no reason to make the girls see that again.

Overall, I think things are ok, as ok as they can be right now. And, we have pretty much just told Craig that once he's out of there, he's crashing on our couch again. He's just not ready to be living alone, and he agrees.

[Gumleaf]

i'm glad things are looking up and there are encouraging signs for him.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Craig was released from the behavioral hospital today. I knew he was meeting with his doctor today to discuss it, but I honestly thought he'd be there for a few more days still. Part of the agreement, when they release you, is that you have a strong support base and you're not left alone at this stage in the treatment. Well, his wife picked him up and JUST DROPPED HIM OFF at their house, and then went back to her parents house (30 minutes away) to feed the baby, and ended up staying there to take a nap. What the hell?!? I'm sorry, but she's been so flaky throughout all of this. I know it's hard for her, but both she and his parents, the people who are closest to him and need to take some responsibility in helping him get better, are just so frustrating. His ex-wife and my family (who, out of the options, are the least close to him) are doing 90% of the work here, and it's ridiculous. We love him, we want to help him, and it's fine if he needs to stay at our house because Viviana won't live with him right now, we planned on having him here for a few days anyway during all this transitioning, but what is she doing? And his parents aren't even coming out here to see him, or to stay with him for a few days while he can't be alone. He can't go to see them, his doctor doesn't want him skipping town just yet because he needs to stay in touch with him right now, but his parents haven't made any plans to come out here in the near future now that they can. We figured they'd take a few days there to finish what they're doing (which isn't much, one's retired and the other works a really flexible schedule), and then come down here for a little while to be supportive. But instead, his mom offered to take his daughters up to Tehachapi, where they live, for the weekend, and never once mentioned Craig. They didn't even call him until he'd been in lockdown for the night after getting drunk and hurting himself the first time (though they'd already been told about his problem and just assumed he'd get over it). When they offered to come down, he said they didn't need to waste the gas, and they didn't even insist. Don't most parents come anyways? Or ask someone else if they think they should, instead of taking the word of a depressed alcoholic who doesn't want help? After he tried to kill himself they were here for a few days, but went back home (which is understandable, they couldn't just stay in a hotel indefinitely until he was out of the hospital), and they said as soon as he was out they'd be back, but they don't seem to be planning on it.

So Viviana and Craig made plans to drop Craig off with Mary (ex-wife) today, and Viv never even called her to tell her. Mary called my mom today to tell her Craig was out, and when my mom said, "So you're ok with him staying with you today, right?" and she had no idea that was going to happen. And, to top it off, Viv isn't even going to drive him, Mary has to go pick him up, when she already has plans for the day and wishes she had known about this so things could have worked out better. So I assume he's with her now, but this morning he was alone in the house (I don't know if Viviana even checked it first, she said she would get rid of the alcohol and all that, but she also said she would stay with him), possibly with the remnants of his last 30-pack in the fridge, obsessing over bills (part of his OCD is obsessing over money). I don't know why she couldn't take the baby with her to stay with him, or take Craig with her to her parents' house for the day, someone needs to be in the house with him right now to keep him safe and to keep him away from the bills for the moment because he has other things to worry about. It's her house too, and since they're married they may even have a joint bank account, so she could even help out with the bills. ...Or at least take them with her so he can't freak out about them.

So, I'm glad the doctors seem to think he's stable enough to be on outpatient care, but I'm frustrated that the people who should be supporting him aren't doing the best they can.

[gaysrock101]

omfg!!!1 imn sooo sorry!!!!! i hope that everything gets better

[Gumleaf]

that must be so annoying jessi. just when things look like they are improving for him, nobody seems to care enough to ensure he keeps getting better. i hope things for him continue to get better, and that someone is keeping an eye on him.