Raising Self Confidence

[Mzor203]

As many of you have seen, I have a post about my paranoia/anxiety-ish thing...

I spoke to my mom about it earlier, and it seems anxiety runs in the family. She thinks what I should do is try to overcome the issue instead of just getting help.

She thinks where this stems from is my self confidence... which I have little of. So what I need are ideas to help get my self confidence up in my life. It would help me in a lot of ways.

P.S. if this goes somewhere else, move it.

[Nihilus]

Go out and go to the movies with friends. Do good in school and ya. stuff like that.

[Mzor203]

Do good in school? When I was in school I had the highest marks in the entire school, so yer... got that covered... I'm homeschooled now though.

What I mean are things that will really get my confidence up, make it so I can walk by a stranger without freaking, etc. Arctic Fox suggested take a martial art a while ago, and it would be a good idea if I had more time, but yeah. That kind of thing.

[Nihilus]

Martial arts are good but any regular physical activity like yoga will raise you self confidance in certain areas of your life. What do you need more confidance in? social, physical, or any other?

[Mzor203]

Just all-around self confidence... I don't know really... I guess my being small probably has something to do with it.

[Nihilus]

okay go out and meet new people, join a sports team, do stuff like that. Remember size never matters. Doing that stuff will help

[Hyper]

Right now your small both physically and mentally.

Yeah I think martial arts is a good idea, just knowing you are able to defend yourself if needed really helps you be more confident and less ''scared''

I also have diagnosed anxiety so heed my advice! :rolleyes:

Find the time for the martial arts thing..

Also if there is something about yourself that bothers you, makes you feel like crap.. Deal with it thats basically all I can say since I'm not you.

If there isn't anything like that just start off with the martial arts thing, gaining confidence back takes awhile, it can take years.

And yes going around places with friends as often as possible is also a good thing.. Bleh hit me up in PM if you want to talk more.

[theOperaGhost]

Find ways to be more confident around people by being around people more. If you go out with friends to like a mall or something, you'll be around strangers and people you know, so you shouldn't feel too uncomfortable. If you spend more time in public with people, you should gain some confidence around people. Also, as stated, martial arts is a good thing. I've never tried it, but I'm sure it would be very beneficial if you found the time for it. You can talk to me anytime on MSN if you want to talk more.

[byee]

First, you keep mentioning your height. What is it, if I might ask?

Second, everyone has anxiety, it's a normal emotion. It's only a problem if it actually holds you back. Feeling it, experiencing it, having it isn't the problem. It's what you do with it that determines if it's problematic.

OK. The way you gain self confidence is to go out in the world and be with people. It's thru interactions with others that you gain a sense of yourself and who you are, which feeds self confidence. If you're home schooled, you need to make extra efforts to be around people, get out more, and be with them in various situations over time.

This issue with your height needs to be addressed, too, otherwise it will be the albatross around your neck. You are who you are, and when it comes to physical attributes, there isn't much you can do, you know. They're biologically determined, and you can't change your biology. But, you can change how you feel by getting new info from new sources about who you are inside. As I've said to you elsewhere, it's depth that matters so much more than stature.

[Mzor203]

I'm 5' at 15...and very skinny. I only weigh 80-85 pounds on good days (It's very random).

It's just that I feel scared sometimes when people much bigger than me are around me... so yeah.

And I do get out lot... so much that I can barely keep up with it and am dropping a bunch of stuff next year, so yeah. I dunno.

I'm hopeless, I know.

[byee]

I don't think you're hopeless at all.

Eventhough you might be overscheduled, you still might not be in the types of activities that will provide opportunites to maximize self confidence. Think about a few activites where you know you excell, where you have talent and are a leader, and schedule them in.

You're not looking to be busy, you're looking to be recognized.

And 5' isn't THAT short at 15, you have some growing time yet. How tall is your dad?

[Mzor203]

Can't remember exactly how tall my dad was... him and my mom were both shorter. I've been stuck at this height and weight for like a year, maybe I've grown a bit, but not much, and the doctor claims I will grow, but yea...

I love music.

I excel at music.

Every single one of my activities is music related.


Yep...

[theOperaGhost]

No offense, Rex, but I honestly can't see how a musician can have low self confidence. Oh, wait, I'm just like you. I don't know what I'm getting at, but I'm guessing you are pretty confident in your music, right? Now, I'm pretty much the same as you, but maybe we could try taking some of the confidence we have in music and applying it to everyday life. Just a thought, which I should probably apply to my own life.

[Mzor203]

I was confident with my music before... but now I can't perform in front of people without shaking.

[theOperaGhost]

Maybe you're just thinking too much. I know that when I think about stuff too much, I tend to be more nervous about it. If you just let thins happen without thinking about them, maybe you'll gain confidence. I'm sorry, I'm kind of running out of ideas. You're size is obviously a huge factor in this, but like Sam said, there's nothing you can do to change that. You've just got to live with that, but you still have a few more years to grow. I also think that getting out of your comfort zone more will help increase your confidence.

[byee]

Rex, why do you talk about your dad in the past tense?

Also, being a musician myself (which we've discussed), I think we both know what a demanding mistress that can be. However, your musical abilities only get better with time and practice, so your performance anxiety isn't related to a skills deficit. It's that other stuff gettingin the way, and it's so powerful and so nasty that it actually interferes with something you're good at and enjoy. This might mean that it's time to find a doc to talk with, it might be bigger than 'just getting out there'.

Also, as an aside, eventhough most of your activities are music related, there are still people there you can connect with and do other things with. Sharing a common interest/passion is a great way to connect and make new friends.

[theOperaGhost]

^ ^ Exactly. People sharing a passion in something, usually connect easily with each other. You maybe should go see a doctor about it though. You could have an anxiety disorder that could be helped with medication.

[Mzor203]

My mom doesn't think it's any disorder, so she's not going to pay any extra money to get it checked out, and I'm not going to be able to get her to.

I'm confused now. Why people keep suggesting I do things I'm passionate about, go to activities, etc. when I do. You have even acknowledged it. MUSIC!

Oh, and I talk about my dad in the past tense because he's barely par of my life right now... he and my mom split up. There have times when I haven't seen him for 3 year periods, so yeah, dunno why I do, just kind of happens.

[Hyper]

My mom doesn't think it's any disorder, so she's not going to pay any extra money to get it checked out, and I'm not going to be able to get her to.

I'm confused now. Why people keep suggesting I do things I'm passionate about, go to activities, etc. when I do. You have even acknowledged it. MUSIC!

Oh, and I talk about my dad in the past tense because he's barely par of my life right now... he and my mom split up. There have times when I haven't seen him for 3 year periods, so yeah, dunno why I do, just kind of happens.

Well then your mom doesn't know cod about it.. Convince her and go check it out, I wouldn't be suprised if you were in the category to receive meds.. I know I am, can't say if they're going to help me yet my damn appintment is on the 30th earliest..

Anyway find a way to see someone good. Medication as I've heard can really help deal with it.

[Mzor203]

The fact of the matter is that I just can't... If I try convincing her she'll get mad at me.It's just something she thinks I need to overcome. It sucks... and I couldn't get an apointment without her knowing, when things are starting to get hectic and we're get ready for vacation soon.

[Hyper]

The fact of the matter is that I just can't... If I try convincing her she'll get mad at me.It's just something she thinks I need to overcome. It sucks... and I couldn't get an apointment without her knowing, when things are starting to get hectic and we're get ready for vacation soon.

If your totally afraid to play music in front of people.. Then you have to see a professional.. Do some research on it and if you can't convince her find some sort of a way.

[Mzor203]

I'm not afraid to the point where I can't do it. It's just extreme nervousness.

The weird thing is that this all seemed to start this year... last year I could play a piece no problem in front of a group of people. No nervousness at all. This year... it's worse. Waaay worse.

As I stated before, seeing someone just isn't going to happen anytime soon. Once the 23rd comes, I'm going to have no chance at all because we'll need a car to go anywhere.

Sorry guys, I'm not trying to be stubborn, I wish I could take all your advice and use it, but there are just things from stopping me.

[byee]

It's harder when you have a parent who won't listen. But that cannot be changed, i guess you already know that, too.

I wasn't aware about your dad. I'm sorry about that, Rex, FWIW, I think he's missing out on a something special with someone special.

I mentioned music b/c it's an activity you enjoy, that you feel reasonably confident at, and that puts you into contact with others. Maybe you can use it to make new friends and do different things with. Maybe you could build a support network there, others who you have a common interest with often make it easier to branch out and do other things with. We all need to eat, esp after practice. Why not ask a cellist to a burger? or a flutist? maybe the percussionist? Get my drift here?

if you cannot count on either of your parents here, i think you need to roll up your sleeves and do the work by yourself. Which might not be such a bad thing as it gives you the added opportunity to be independent, too.

[Hyper]

It's harder when you have a parent who won't listen. But that cannot be changed, i guess you already know that, too.

I wasn't aware about your dad. I'm sorry about that, Rex, FWIW, I think he's missing out on a something special with someone special.

I mentioned music b/c it's an activity you enjoy, that you feel reasonably confident at, and that puts you into contact with others. Maybe you can use it to make new friends and do different things with. Maybe you could build a support network there, others who you have a common interest with often make it easier to branch out and do other things with. We all need to eat, esp after practice. Why not ask a cellist to a burger? or a flutist? maybe the percussionist? Get my drift here?

if you cannot count on either of your parents here, i think you need to roll up your sleeves and do the work by yourself. Which might not be such a bad thing as it gives you the added opportunity to be independent, too.

But you of all people should know if he does have a real anxiety disorder he does need to see a professional.

A real anxiety disorder is like clinical depression it wont go away without the right meds.

And it could be that you've developed one within the last year or that you are still developing it. But yeah thats just my stubborness..

I think you've got a thread full of a variety of advice from different people, its all up to you basically.

[robbiehay1]

well im very shy myself and since i built myself up a bit i seem to be more confident so maybe that could work for you. Also someone mentioned martial arts that does work

[byee]

But you of all people should know if he does have a real anxiety disorder he does need to see a professional.

A real anxiety disorder is like clinical depression it wont go away without the right meds.

And it could be that you've developed one within the last year or that you are still developing it. But yeah thats just my stubborness..

I think you've got a thread full of a variety of advice from different people, its all up to you basically.

And as always, your advice is right on!

I agree that he'd do well to see a professional, but it doesn't sound as if that will happen, so we have to work with what we've got.

I like the idea of using music as a way of making new friends, of using your relative comfort in that setting and with those people to branch out into other activites with them. Use your comfort with the activity you now share with them to build in new activities. the way to improve self confidence really is to be with people, to get out into the world more, and out of your head!

It's not surprising that this issue has become more apparent in the last year or so, it coinsides with puberty/adolescence. All those changes bring out all the insecurity, and if you donlt have the support and recognition and acknowledgement from your folks, it makes it worse. We can't change that, but you can change your outlook by getting out there. Be careful not to fall into the trap of justifying inaction, you might need to do something a bit different, tolerate the discomfort, in order to feel better.

[theOperaGhost]

And as always, your advice is right on!

I agree that he'd do well to see a professional, but it doesn't sound as if that will happen, so we have to work with what we've got.

I like the idea of using music as a way of making new friends, of using your relative comfort in that setting and with those people to branch out into other activites with them. Use your comfort with the activity you now share with them to build in new activities. the way to improve self confidence really is to be with people, to get out into the world more, and out of your head!

It's not surprising that this issue has become more apparent in the last year or so, it coinsides with puberty/adolescence. All those changes bring out all the insecurity, and if you donlt have the support and recognition and acknowledgement from your folks, it makes it worse. We can't change that, but you can change your outlook by getting out there. Be careful not to fall into the trap of justifying inaction, you might need to do something a bit different, tolerate the discomfort, in order to feel better.

Right on, there. That sums up a lot. He said it best. The way to improve self confidence is to be with people. Get out of your comfort zone more often, then it will become more comfortable.

[byee]

Right on, there. That sums up a lot. He said it best. The way to improve self confidence is to be with people. Get out of your comfort zone more often, then it will become more comfortable.

Why thank you, Jared! Very agreeable, I like that so much! And you always manage to paraphrase what I've said so much more eloquently and to the point than I can! LOL!

[Mzor203]

I'll try. That's really all I can say at this point.

Just a while ago our town orchestra, which I am part of, had its year end concert. Afterwards a bunch of people were going out to have pizza... and of course I came up with an excuse as to why I couldn't go.

On a slightly happier note, I play the timpanis a lot in orchestra, and basically all I ever here is, "Rex, play louder!" (That sounds weird as Rex isn't actually my name haha)

But anyways, tonight I somehow found it in me to play out. In the real concert, which is odd when I had problems with that just in practice. So I have something to be proud of.

Continuing on that happy note, I had a gig with my school jazz band, (I play the drums), and today was the only day I played my solo I had with ease and without nervousness.

But both these things were in larger ensembles, it still remains to be seen what happens when I play a violin solo in front of a large crowd.

[Hyper]

Yes helping to concentrate on the positive and using your passions as an advantage is also a must :)

Well anyway I hope all goes well for you

[byee]

I'll try. That's really all I can say at this point.

Just a while ago our town orchestra, which I am part of, had its year end concert. Afterwards a bunch of people were going out to have pizza... and of course I came up with an excuse as to why I couldn't go.

On a slightly happier note, I play the timpanis a lot in orchestra, and basically all I ever here is, "Rex, play louder!" (That sounds weird as Rex isn't actually my name haha)

But anyways, tonight I somehow found it in me to play out. In the real concert, which is odd when I had problems with that just in practice. So I have something to be proud of.

Continuing on that happy note, I had a gig with my school jazz band, (I play the drums), and today was the only day I played my solo I had with ease and without nervousness.

But both these things were in larger ensembles, it still remains to be seen what happens when I play a violin solo in front of a large crowd.

Well, good onya!(I love that expression). I think you're making progress. Remember, it's hard changing behaviors, you have to really struggle with the urge to not to, to NOT come up with an excuse to crawl back into your spider hole!

It get's easier, though. it's just that it's new, doing new things, tolerating the new anxiety. But that wears off as the newness wears off. Just keep at it.

As an FYI, we tell the percussionists to 'Play louder!' (and always with the exclamation point!) all the time, it's just something that goes along with it, don't take it personally!

And you can tell us your real name, we won't tell anyone or come for you in the middle of the night or anything.


Congrats again, you took a couple of important first steps here!

[theOperaGhost]

That's progress, Rex (I know his real name, haha). Gaining more confidence in ensembles will help you gain confidence for solos, and also when you're away from music, just as yourself.

Haha, we have to tell our percussionists to play softer, because they suck and all they do is pound.

[Mzor203]

I'm like the only percussionist I know who doesn't bang away as loudly as possible when they get the chance. But what can you expect from crazy teenagers.

If you want to find my real name, you're going to have to go dumpster diving in the introductions forum, just as Jared did. It's on the site here, don't worry.

But anyways, yeah, I had a little fail moment yesterday, and I am determined not to mess up my next chance. Recently also I've started trying to be less scared when passing strangers. I've began simply smiling and nodding to them as I pass, saying, "hey", if they acknowledge my presence vocally. It's hard, but I think it's helping me with my other problem. (See this thread http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=21119)

I want to thank everyone who has tried to help me, and especially Jared and Sam,from the bottom of my heart. I can always depend on coming back the next day to find a helpful and supportive reply or two in this thread. It has helped, no matter how much it may seem it hasn't. :)

[byee]

(I'm not one to pry, and unfortunately I don't have time to go thru all the intros, so I suppose you'll just be Rex to me).

Self improvement is an ongoing thing, you have to work at it. So, there will be ups and downs, just don't get discouraged. And keep pushing yourself, you need to learn those new skills, you need to tolerate the newness and unfamiliarity of it, so you can expand your comfort zone to include new things and feelings. A big job, just take it a step at a time, and don't get too far ahead of yourself.

I went back and re read your other post (thanks for the hyper link). As an FYI, if you're not getting the responses you want, and you'd like one from me, just PM me. I might miss some. Jared, on the other hand, is always on top of everything, so he probably won't need such assistance! And besides, we tend to say the same things, anyway.

OK, listen, the middle of the night is a creepy time, It's not surprising you'd be a little freaked out. I don't think this is really that unusual, nor do I think it's 'paranoid'. However, as you rightly pointed out, it is related to your other stuff. Look at it as yet another opportunity to master your feelings (anxiety), either by talking yourself thru it, or doing whatever it is you need to do to get thru it as quickly as possible, and each time, try to make that time shorter.

I think the issue here is a lack of coping skills and tolerance for normal emotion. The emotions you're experiencing are normal, that's not the problem. But, you don't seem to have learned how to master them. That's thr problem. In the absence of control, all these normal feelings get blown out of proportion, they paralyze you.

Get in touch with your inner guy, pretend you're him. Practice at that. Pretend you're your favorite guy, the one who would easily handle these situations.

[Mzor203]

Last night I tried to work on the thing in the middle of the night. This time, I made myself not turn on any lights at all, and just went back to my bed. I managed to do it, but in my mind I was panicking like crazy. I felt like I couldn't breathe. But I think it'll be easier next time, as I will continue to do it, no matter what.

My mom also agreed that it was not a case of paranoia, just anxiety and stronger emotions at work. Another thing she thought might have been affecting it was how she and my dad always fought when I was younger. Those were incredibly stressful times, and I stopped seeing one of my parents too often, so it might be part of it.

It certainly helps posting here though. That's why I love VT.

[byee]

Doing the night thing without ANY of the lights on might be a bit too much at first. Remember that I suggested to take it slow!

It' s good that you're trying to figure out where this might come from, logic and understanding are the antidote to irrationality and fear.

Certainly if your folks argued at night it would make that time (night time) even more creepy and sinister. Likewise, if your dad wasn't a really strong, nurturing, emotionally available presence in your life it would make it harder to develop those skills needed to master your emotions.

That's why I say you need to get in touch with your 'inner guy' and let him guide you. He's in there, eventhough it seems you might have lost him in all the fog. Try it tonite, let him guide you thru it, tell me how it works.

[Mzor203]

Well tonight I'm actually going to be going to bed around 9:00 or 10:00, not 3 in the morning like usual. So not tonight, maybe the next.

I'm kind of confused about what you're trying to say with this 'inner guy' stuff. Could you maybe explain this more?

[byee]

"Inner guy"= Big, strong man. You know, the master of the universe, the One who can handle anything, leap over giant buildings in a single bounds, and so forth.

I think maybe you're missing that, in all the stuff you grew up with, you missed getting that peice. But, you can recreate it yourself, in your mind. It's in there, find it. Feel it, it's that part of you that is strong and competent and able. Feel it's strength, and use it to get thru the anxiety.

[Mzor203]

Ah, okay. Well I'll attempt to, but I just don't think this 'Inner Guy' exists for me. I might have to make him from scratch.

[byee]

Every guy has it, you just need to work a little hard to find him. He's in there.

Just call on him when you need him, let him talk you thru the rough stuff.