I hope this is legal, posting for others?

[LifeIsMyJoke]

Hey, tonight I've been largely dedicating my posts to helping my brother, rather than myself or other people on here (Sorry guys, I'll get back to it tomorrow) as he came home deeply distressed about his day at school.

I asked him what happened, and he told me (with blood on his knees, and grazed elbows) that he was playing handball with some kids, when some older kids came in. One of them told him to f*!k off, and he went and waited in line, and then the kid said to him "I thought I told you to piss off kid" and Michael cheekily responded with "you didnt say piss off" and the kid responded by punching him in the stomach, and kicking him to the rough ground.

This is just the baseline around my story, one of many events that has happened to him. He is a victim of bullying. But as a result, I feel he is getting to a very depressed state.

He's only 12 years old, and I'm an almost fatherly figure for him, and he wrote a story at school about his hero, who was me, and he even got bullied for that!

We share a bedroom, and he cries some very sad things to me at night, about his day, about why people don't like him, etc.

He's even told me once before that he would kill himself if I wasn't around. When I told my family I would be leaving home next year, he cried. He's very emotionally attached to me, and I don't know if I can bear leaving him. Yet I have my own life to get on with.

He has seen a doctor once, with me and my Mum, who diagnosed him with a mild form of depression, but didn't do a whole lot to help out.

While it might only be mild, it was his comment about how he'd kill himelf if I wasn't around that made me sad. Is there anything I can do to help him, he seems content enough when I'm around ... But I won't be around forever. It's very distressing for me.

I hope this was a legal post, but I didn't know who else to ask, and all VT are very helpful, and at the moment, this is the topic of my life, ahead of anything else. Thanks alot for reading and any input you give, in advance!

[Hyper]

Your brother needs to stand up for himself.. Does he have any friends in school? And how old were those guys?..

Look the thing that always attracts bastards is fear & lack of self confidence.

You just need to help your brother along, I think you should get your brother to see a professional again, I doubt the depression is mild after reading those 2 posts you've made today.

With some right meds & help he could regain his confidence.. Of course that doesn't necessarily mean that the bullying would stop, might have to change schools but that is never a guarantee..

Not sure what to tell you, you could try telling me more about your brother as in his friends, character the people that bully him etc..

[LifeIsMyJoke]

Alright here goes:

The kids that bully him are GENERALLY older, year 8 or 9, maybe 14-15 years old, and generally a lot more of an ... adolescent than Michael, as he still seems like a young child.

I don't actually know any of them, except for those I've heard giving him a hard time about things.

He has a few friends, Michael. Generally they are a bit like him, small and a bit timid. Some even decided to stop being as friendly with him once he got into highschool, because of the fear of being bullied.

So I would say that the character of those who bully him is the same as most bullies: Low self esteem, physically superior, mentally less so.

And because Michael is so shy, he really doesn't like confiding much in others, except for me. He always made up excuses as to why he was hurt, like "I fell over at school" to our parents, and in the end I told them the truth.

He's not so much weak of character, he's a fairly fiesty youngster, especially on the fields, but he's, if anything, too nice. I've been told that before, but I was never particularly small for my age, like Michael is.

So yeah, his friends don't do alot to stick up for him, and some of them cop it equally. He is seemingly happiest when I'm around, and sometimes with his friends. I took him and 2 of his friends to the movies the other day, and he was ecstatic.

Its just when theres nobody to help him. And I didn't believe the depression was mild, thats why I thought I'd check here to verify my suspicions, because when I leave home, I don't want to have to worry about my little bro. He'd probably kill me if he found out I was posting this, but that doesnt worry me. I just want whats best for him, and if I have to take matters into my own hands with these poor excuses of human beings that bully him, then so be it.

If he's too scared to stand up for himself due to shyness and lack of physical superiority, then maybe his much bigger older brother must be the one to do it? Because I do believe his bullying is the root of his depression. Its sad to hear 12 year olds talking about killing themselves, in a world that to me is almost perfect, yet to him, is far from it.

[Hyper]

Well I already said in the other thread but I'll be more thural.

The ''have someone you know kick the shit out of the bully'' may backfire, it will always work if done very cruely, but in the long run its your brother who will determine if he is going to be bullied or not.

Being small doesn't always mean everything, everybody has a breaking point one day your brother might just smack some kid down and that might be it, anything could happen.. But your brother needs to be confident in himself and ready to stand up for himself at any time even if it means getting beat up he'd atleast show that he isn't a pushover.

[LifeIsMyJoke]

Thankyou very much for all your help Hyper, you are fantastic - rep+

And yeah, there is hardly a violent bone in my body, and less in his. Thats what I meant in the other thread, I can't wait for him to hit puberty, and hopefully grow to around the same size as me in time. And to learn some confidence wouldn't go astray. It just scares me that if he retaliates they will hurt him alot more than what he could do to them.

Thats why I considered threatening them, but that makes me just as bad.

Oh well, its all a big challenge, part of growing up. I'll tell him that he needs to try and stand up to those who bully him, and if it continues, tell them that he has a big older bro who can back him up. If that idle threat won't work, then I might need to take action, verbal, or physically.

If I can just scare them off him, then I will feel more secure next year when I leave home. And maybe get him out of the suicidal mindframe that I have heard once before, how I am the reason he lives. Also nothing some confidence wouldn't cure.

Thankyou very much Hyper, you are a great person.

Any other insight or help wouldn't go astray also, guys! But thankyou so much for whoever responds to my boring problems.

[Hyper]

Thankyou very much for all your help Hyper, you are fantastic - rep+

And yeah, there is hardly a violent bone in my body, and less in his. Thats what I meant in the other thread, I can't wait for him to hit puberty, and hopefully grow to around the same size as me in time. And to learn some confidence wouldn't go astray. It just scares me that if he retaliates they will hurt him alot more than what he could do to them.

Thats why I considered threatening them, but that makes me just as bad.

Oh well, its all a big challenge, part of growing up. I'll tell him that he needs to try and stand up to those who bully him, and if it continues, tell them that he has a big older bro who can back him up. If that idle threat won't work, then I might need to take action, verbal, or physically.

If I can just scare them off him, then I will feel more secure next year when I leave home. And maybe get him out of the suicidal mindframe that I have heard once before, how I am the reason he lives. Also nothing some confidence wouldn't cure.

Thankyou very much Hyper, you are a great person.

Any other insight or help wouldn't go astray also, guys! But thankyou so much for whoever responds to my boring problems.

Well either he gets hurt more in a short while or he gets constantly hurt for years. Destroying his confidence sending him into severe clinical depression, ruining his social life.. And school progress..

Everything has a risk to it but doing nothing is stupid, but do take your brother to a different professional than the last one, and if possible don't bring your parents along, your brother seems to trust you more than them, and he might not open up so well with them around..

And yeah violence is usually not the answer but sometimes nothing else really helps, I don't believe in teachers or school councilors by my own experience the best thing that helped was knowing that I had a friend who was willing to go through alot of trouble for me just to yeah well..

Just knowing you have some back up always helps.. Its a complicated subject always is and always will be sometimes teachers & councilors help sometimes they don't.. Sometimes it goes away in time, but sometimes its too severe to just let it pass by.. Sometimes the kid who gets bullied stands up for himself.

Gosh I'm losing it there :P just do what you have to do eventually it'll all depend on your brother himself just keep that in mind

[LifeIsMyJoke]

Everything has a risk to it but doing nothing is stupid, but do take your brother to a different professional than the last one, and if possible don't bring your parents along, your brother seems to trust you more than them, and he might not open up so well with them around..


Thats a great bit of advice, thankyou. There's a fine line between help and encouraging the bullies. I'm hopeful it will turn out alright, and that he will grow up to be a happy young man, like his older brother, but without the dilemma of having to look after a younger sibling.

Why can't life just be easy for everyone?

[Hyper]

Thats a great bit of advice, thankyou. There's a fine line between help and encouraging the bullies. I'm hopeful it will turn out alright, and that he will grow up to be a happy young man, like his older brother, but without the dilemma of having to look after a younger sibling.

Why can't life just be easy for everyone?

Yeah what a bummer :/ but the what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger line is true. But yeah I hope everything turns out alright your brother also seems to be an emotional kid who takes things in pretty easy.

[LifeIsMyJoke]

EDIT: Aghh sorry, double posted, without realising, must have hit the backspace button and not remembered I posted before - my head is all over the place :(

A good bit of advice, not taking our parents.

I'm hoping it will all turn out alright, I feel its kind of up to me to work with him to make sure it does, I don't know if I can stand him crying himself to sleep for much longer. But I'm not the type to do anything stupid =]

My aim is to clear the problem up as fast as possible, with violence as a threat before a last resort. And some help wouldn't go astray, because you are right, the most important thing is for Michael to learn to stand up for himself, as his big brother won't be around for much longer to protect him :(

[byee]

You're a good brother, Adam. Michael is lucky to have you. I can understand why he feels as strongly about you as he does.

First, I think that eventhough he does look to you in a fatherly way, it's important to remain his brother (more on that later). So, i think it's really important to work with your Mum on this, she needs to be involved. Make it clear to Michael that you're going to work with her, and encourage him to talk with her, maybe with you. Don't do this alone.

Second, you're right that violence is not the answer to his bullying problems. What would happen is that you (or he) will get into a lot of trouble, and instead of being seen as the victim, he'll be seen as the bully, and you moreso. At 17, eventhough your protective instinct is well founded here, you have to do it in an age appropriate way. That way is to inform the other adults who can actually exert the approrpiate pressure on the bullys to get them to stop. Work with mum, find out who they are (either school authorities if it's happening on school grounds, the kids parents, or the police. Assault is illegal regardless of the age of the perps.)

lastly, the issue of your leaving next year.

You and Michael share an extraordinarily close relationship, he is very emotionally attached to you, and he is aware of how painful and difficult that seperation will be. For him, it's almost like a loss, not just a seperation. You're right that you should help him with this. Otherwise, although he's perhaps exaggerating about suicide, he is signalling clearly how distressing this event will be. That we can understand.

You have a year to work with him to help him get used to the fact and accept that you will be leaving home. Spend time with him, alone, so that he feels as if he's getting enough time with you now. Find the time to also talk with him about his feelings, let him share how frightening and lonely he thinks it will be. let him cry.

With time, the more people talk about their feelings the more accustomed they are to having them. He'll never be totally OK with you leaving, afterall he adores you. However, he'll be more comfortable with the emotion. It's the emotion that would cause the problem next year, and anything you can do to help him prepare for it will help him enormously. Also, make it clear to him that your relationship will not change, that the basis for those feeling will endure. Share with him how much he means to you and how important it is to protect and nurture the relationship. The only thing that will change is the physical distance. Help him to see that relationships endure regardless of the distance, feelings and their importance remain constant. Stronger, even.

[The Batman]

You need to talk to your brothers and his friends and try to get them to stand up for each other, or you can try and get one of your friends to look after him. Ask your parents to enroll him in some self defense classes. Since your leaving next year I think you should try and pull yourself away from him a bit so that he can start being more dependent on himself or your parents or you can start trying to get him to tell your dad these things that are happening. No matter what you do though he will have to learn to defend himself or these bullies will never stop.

[Whisper]

I don't have a younger brother
I have two older sisters and two brother in laws
so I'm the youngest


Now violence is never the answer........
But..in a hypothetical situation if anybody ever touched my lil bro
I'd grab my friends and I'd go pay them a visit

Have your brother stick with friends so hes always in a group
and put the fear of god into his tormentors

[theOperaGhost]

I think kids who are bullied are generally shy, that's why they get bullied, that's why they continue to get bullied, and that's why they don't do anything to stop it. But the constant bullying is only going to make them more shy and make them lose self-esteem. So, what I'm getting at is that kids who are bullied, and very rarely going to start standing up for themselves. After a long time of bullying, very few kids will ever be able to get any self confidence. Now, I know people need to stand up for themselves, but I think someone need to stand up for kids getting bullied to start with, then maybe they will become more self confident and start to stand up for themselves. Of course, this could also backfire and make them think, "well someone else will stand up for me, so I don't need to stand up for myself."

Now, violence should never be a solution, but I do believe in revenge. I would never start a fight, but if someone picked a fight with me, I wouldn't have any problem with kicking the shit out of them.

I'm sorry if this post didn't really help or accomplish anything, but that's how I feel about it.

[LifeIsMyJoke]

Thankyou all VERY much guys, especially Sam, rep+.

Yeah I don't think leaving will be all that much easier for me than it will be for Michael. I will miss him, and feel a bit bad for him, but I do need to get on with my life.

Alot of you said that violence isn't the answer, but to put the fear of god into his bullies anyways. Theyre a few years younger than me, some of my mates stand up for Michael (more than his mates do) as well.

I don't want to get in trouble over the issue, and I think the idea of trying to get Michael into self defence is great for confidence building too! However, he has his plate very full with sports as it is, sadly :(

And I've actually taken him with me to a meeting with the High School's principal, who was my principal when I was there too. What did he do? Said he'd look into it. As of now, nothing has been done.

And yeah thanks for telling me that my Mum needs to be more involved too. She's a busy woman, and she helps out as much as she can, and loves Michael dearly. The thing for Michael is, he only really opens up to me.

Thankyou Sam also for the advice, particularly the 2nd last paragraph. Sometimes when he cries I feel so sad for him that I want to cry, but I know thats not going to happen, for prides sake, and for his respect in me's sake.

I might try and get some time off work this weekend after his soccer game and take him somewhere, Ten Pin bowling or something, and just ... talk to him.

Thankyou so much to all who posted, all your posts have been great, and I'd rep+ all of you if I could!