This might be the end...

[Underground_Network]

I've seriously tried to just wait out the rest of this year, let time pass and then try and garner confidence over the summer where a lot of my true friends are and come back next school year a "new", better person... But right now I just can't handle it... My two closest friends are turning out to be assholes, at least in my mind.. I almost never see one of them b/c he just disappears without telling anyone where he's going and my other friend has begun hanging out with "cooler" kids and just doesn't like to hang around me as much...I've been trying to hold on but now I feel I've exhausted all my strength... I feel both mentally and physically weakened. It just hurts right now... I feel depressed, but I can't really quite get a finger on what's really causing it... My life has sucked for the past two-three years, and it's just been getting worse. I've gone from an optimist to a pessimist back to a laid back optimist... I've just been letting life happen, but this strategy isn't working out... I've become even more lazy than I've ever been in my life, I've stopped trying, I've even stopped caring.. And now I'm at the point where I regret my past mistakes so much that I just can't see myself compensating for those mistakes... I feel I've just done too much in my past to fix my future.. I feel like I'm fucked no matter what path I take... I've said in the past I had no reason to live, but I had no reason to die, so I wouldn't kill myself.. Well I have had reasons to live, I just never really paid full attention to them, and now that all but one of them are gone, I've realized they were there, and it just makes me feel worse... I'm plunging deeper into the depths of darkness... I'm not falling off the ledge, I'm already spiraling downward. This could be the end, but I know it shouldn't be the end. I'm trying to hold on, but I have nothing to grab a hold of. NO ONE knows how I feel except you guys, and that really doesn't help.. I need someone in my life to know how I feel, someone other than my parents who just get pissed at me for being suicidal... I need someone who actually cares... I know my mom cares, but she has a strange way of showing it, and my dad doesn't like that I'm an "anti-social pussy"... I don't know what to do... I just don't know what to do anymore.. I want to slit my wrists, hang myself and blow my head off all in one swift moment... That's how I feel right now....

[DouggyO.o]

I know its not the same as having a real person to talk to but im here for you. I can understand what your going through. Ive gone through so much hard ship backin the day and i know how you feel. Alot of my old friends have become the so called "Cool" people. But to me, they arnt cool, they are just clones of everybody else. Though I dont really understand your parent situation but all I can say is hang in there. Dont do anything crazy because trust me, from a friend, you would be deeply missed.

[Underground_Network]

What I mean is that I need someone to talk to, and I know somebody might recommend a parent, but the thing is, my parents don't understand me... And my dad doesn't want to understand me, because to him I'm a huge disappointment.. The only thing he likes about me is that I mostly get A's, but even that's changed lately... I just need someone in real life to talk to, but I just don't trust anyone enough... I still feel like screaming out that I'm depressed in school, but I just don't think that will get me anywhere... People always think I'm so fucking happy, but I always feign happiness, I don't know the last time I was truly happy... Maybe 3 years ago, probably more like 4-5 years ago though...

[Sugaree]

Well, everyone has some purpose of living Adam. You've just jumped around and think that this may be your purpose or this will be your purpose and then realize it's not. You have the reason. Just think about it. There will be that one little thing that brings you back.

You said on Mother's Day that you cherished every moment with your mom because that's the reason you live. Well, my mom is the reason I live to. She has Multiple Scleriosis (not sure how to spell it) and sure she has good times and bad ones but I help her through the pain she has. It's the reason that I don't try and kill myself.

You should really think it over. I know this may not be like talking to a real person but I hope this goes alright for you. Just hold on as long as you can. You'll make it through and this I know =)

[Underground_Network]

I love my mom yes, but it's just not enough... She loves me back, she tries her best, and I know killing myself is almost like punishing her for doing nothing wrong.. But she's the ONLY one that seems to care... I think I'd be more respected if I was dead... Or at least I'd get more attention... I'm invisible, everybody sees right through me. I think I would finally be seen if I took my own life... Especially if I took my own life in front of all of them.

Goddammit... I'm sorry... I'm just so fucking angry... My heart is racing... My head is pounding.. I just hate this... I hate it... I feel so awful, I feel so terrible... I could deal with this if my life wasn't such shit, I could seriously deal with this, if it just wasn't so terrible..

[thesphinx]

I'm sorry your not doing good :( I think your a great person and trust me on this one, when you get on the other side of all this you will be so much wiser and compassionate than ever before.
This experience even though difficult is what is going to make YOU, YOU because things that we go through (good and bad) are what shapes us and makes us unique.
I can honestly say after my Severe Clinical depression for a year 1 1/2 I am greatful that I went through it, why? because I am so much stronger, wiser, compassionate, and more motivated than ever.

And I'm not saying it's easy trust me I have wanted to Kill myself before.
PLEASE hang in there :hug:

[Underground_Network]

I know Michael, you're a great guy... I've tried being a great guy, I've tried being a great person... That's all I've ever tried to be, but it got me no attention.. I've tried to be everyone, but I still haven't discovered who I really am, and I'm not sure that would get me noticed anyway... All I want to have happen is for someone to realize I exist, other than my closest friends who aren't really friends anyways... I want someone to like me for who I am rather than who I pretend to be... My one friend picks on me whenever I don't wear black and won't hang out with me.. I never liked wearing black, it just seemed to fit my mood... That's just one example of how my friends sometimes treat me... I want better friends but I lack the confidence to gain them... I just hate this. I keep trying to hold on, I keep telling myself things will get better, even right now I'm thinking to myself, if I feel this bad now, things can only get better, right? But things never get better, and I can't just take an optimistic point of view on this, I know things aren't going to get better, because they never do... I just don't know what the point of going forward is when it gets me nowhere...

[The Batman]

It's not worth it, nothing in this world is worth taking your life for. You are very good person and I know how you feel because I've been going through crap like that my entire life infact I'm still going through it. Why don't you try talking to another family member like a cousin, an aunt, uncle, or even a grandparent. Just talk to someone close that can help you through this. Please don't take your life because once your gone that's it you might not be going through this bad time anymore but you'll miss the good times to. If you take your life you'll miss growing up, having a family, and you won't be here to help us anymore. Also why don't you try to rebuild a relationship with your parents, try going out to eat with them and spend time together, if your friends don't want to hang out then fuck them be with the people who truly love you.

[thesphinx]

Some point in your life you will find the right friends sometimes it can take a while but you will find other people like yourself.
I really wish I could say something to help you besides I think your a great person and I would be quite sad if you died.

[Underground_Network]

I know, but I've been so patient.. I think I'm going to tell my one friend how I feel tomorrow, I guess I'll have to wait and see his reaction [though this wouldn't be the first time I said I was going to do something and then freaked out at the last second and decided against it]... It seems my whole life I've been living in fear, it's partially due to a lack of confidence and partially due to god knows what... I'm just always afraid that things are going to go wrong, because everything is already so screwed up... I fear by trying to make things better, I'll just make things worse... I've always seen myself as a failure, and when you look down on yourself, it's hard for you to lift your head sometimes...

[byee]

I'm not sure what else I can add here, but since you seem desperate, i'll give it a whirl.

First, it's really important to remember that whatever it is (like adolescence itself) is temporary, it will pass. I know that sounds hard to imagine, it going away, but it will. I think a lot of what you're describing here is just 14. OK, maybe a bad case of 14. But, you're only 14 for a year. things change, it gets better, people grow out of these things (you and your 'friends' who make you feel crappy). It'll get better.

The other thing is that you sound pretty unhappy, and that you don't seem to feel you have it in you to cope with all this stuff, however temporary it is. There's no need to suffer alone with this, Adam. If you can't talk with your folks, find the time to talk with your guidance counsellor. He (she?) can be a resource for you, and might be able to talk with your folks and get you into therapy, which sounds like a mucho excellent idea.

Besides, anyone who uses the word 'feign' correctly needs to be saved.

Let me know how the appt. with the guidance counsellor goes.

[Mannequin]

Step 1: Identify the problem
2: how do i fix the problem/what are the consequences?
3: are the consequences worth my happiness?
4: act

i use these steps for everything...never fails if you do it right.

[foof1]

think about your reasons for wanting to commit suicide. are they really worth it? also think about the future. things may get better and most likely will. in my opinion suicide is the easy way out and is for lazy, hopeless idiots who have absolutly no brain in their heads. i may not know you but the people who do know and love and care for you will live the rest of their lives in pain if you leave them by killing yourself. also think about how great it feels to breath, eat, laugh, walk, be warm, feel the warmth of a loving pet, drink water, and all those other wonderful things that come with life. if you comit suicide you will NOT feel ANY of these things.

[Mzor203]

You say you have one thing left in life that makes life worth it. Hang onto that thing. Don't let it go. Whatever you do, don't let it go. The world would be losing a great person in you, Adam, you can't give up. Things always seem to get worse before they get better, you've just got to pull through. Make some new friends, if your old ones are blowing you off, they aren't real friends.

I hope things get better Adam. We're always here for you.

[Underground_Network]

I've already done everything stated, I've realized what my problem[s] is[are] and I've tried to deal with them, and I have acted, but nothing good has come out of it... And there are crisis counselor's at my school, but in my past I used to see a psychiatrist and I just hated, it got me nowhere, if anything it just made things worse... Ever since then I've hated therapists/psychiatrists/psychologists/crisis counselors/etc... I'm better now, not suicidal, but I'm still angry and distressed/depressed. It's just unfair, that people like me have to deal with this torment, while it seems all the assholes in the world live great, happy lives...

[Hyper]

I've already done everything stated, I've realized what my problem[s] is[are] and I've tried to deal with them, and I have acted, but nothing good has come out of it... And there are crisis counselor's at my school, but in my past I used to see a psychiatrist and I just hated, it got me nowhere, if anything it just made things worse... Ever since then I've hated therapists/psychiatrists/psychologists/crisis counselors/etc... I'm better now, not suicidal, but I'm still angry and distressed/depressed. It's just unfair, that people like me have to deal with this torment, while it seems all the assholes in the world live great, happy lives...

Then go see another of the list who can prescribe something to you..

Reading all of this makes me pretty sure you are clinically depressed and if you are, you will need the right meds to get better. But yeah I don't like them too :/