Parents Disagree

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

My parents' marriage has never been perfect; they have their differences like any other couple. Something like 70% of married couples divorce after having a special needs child and about 80% of married couples divorce after losing a child, and I don't doubt it. Basically, there's a 150% chance of my parents getting a divorce, based on those statistics. I know it's just statistics, based on people who are not my parents, but it's intimidating nonetheless. They started marriage counseling several years ago, after they nearly separated. I remember being maybe 9 years old, I came out of the bathroom into the hallway to see my dad standing in the end nearest the bedrooms, and my mom standing down near the kitchen. She told me that she was going to go stay at grandma's house for a few nights (my grandparents were out of town for the week, or my mom would never have gone near the place), and I could either go with her or stay with dad. My sister chose to go with my mom, she was 4 or 5 at the time, and I remember being just completely torn. I'd always been closer to my mom, but I didn't want to hurt my dad by leaving him alone all weekend. In the end, I chose to go with my mom, and in the car she said, "He loves me but he doesn't like me." I didn't understand really what that meant (after-all, wasn't love an extreme form of like?), but the way she said it made me sad. We ended up going back home later that night, I guess Mom decided she'd overreacted after having some time to think about it, but they still fought a lot. They didn't always know I could hear them, usually I'd be lying in bed trying to fall asleep, and I could hear them talking down the hall. They argued about everything from what was for dinner, to their sex life, and I heard almost every word they said. After I went down there one night and yelled at them to be quiet so I could sleep, they looked into marriage counseling. They learned how to communicate their problems in a healthy way, and how to like each other again, and things got better. They'd go out on dates every few weeks, hold hands in the car (my dad only ever drives with the one hand anyways), it was obvious their relationship was working out again.

They haven't been in counseling for a while now, 2 years-ish I guess, and lately things have been going south again. My mom is stressed out from work (teaching's stressful as it is, but with the state budget cuts and her BTSA work (new teachers go through a program called BTSA during their first two years, which involves a lot of classes, a lot of work, and a lot of time teaching with a supervisor in the room taking notes. Her BTSA binder is 5 inches thick, and it's stuffed to the brim), she's often worn out when she gets home), and so is Dad (he's still working two jobs, part-time for someone else and full-time running his own business). Mom gets annoyed because he's always either working, or out riding his bike (his Saturday morning ride is often 4 hours long, and he takes a one hour ride a few times during the week), so he doesn't have time to do necessary repairs around the house. She can't do the repairs because he's very particular and won't hire someone because it costs money. He tends to feel like he's being attacked when she mentions it, and it is absolutely no fun to listen to them bickering.

Today, we ran some errands. My dad has a long stride, and he walks pretty fast most of the time. Sometimes I find myself nearly jogging to keep up when we're just walking through the parking lot. My mom gets annoyed, because when we all go out together, he's often way ahead of us, walking by himself. She said to me today, while he was 15 feet ahead of us in the Costco parking lot, "I hope you marry a man who will walk proudly beside you, even hold your hand," and I realized she didn't think it was ever going to happen for her. She's especially upset because tomorrow is Mother's Day, which is a very hard day for her, and by walking away it was as if he couldn't be bothered to be supportive when he knows she feels like shit. This evening, I heard them arguing again, and my mom was expressing her feelings about it all. She said it feels like a slap in the face, as if she's not deserving of his presence, he can't even slow down a little bit to walk near her, and that when we go out, a passerby probably wouldn't even think we were a family because of how far away he gets. He got defensive and was saying that that's just his pace, it's how he walks, why can't she speed up? This is all fairly normal conversation, but then she said, "Well, soon it's going to be either your pace or your wife."

I'm a little scared. I don't want them to break up, but I also want them to be happy. I think I'm going to say something to my mom. Not tomorrow, she deserves a happy day tomorrow, but within the next week. Ask how things are going and, if need be, bring up the topic of them going back to see Charlene (their counselor). Even so, I'm worried. If I asked my mom right now, if she thought she and my dad would stay married forever, I don't think she'd be able to answer me. Sometimes they get along, but more and more lately they don't, and I'm not sure how to deal with that.

Anyone else have fighting parents? How do you deal?

[Mzor203]

When I was quite young, like 4-5 years old, my mom and dad fought so much it was just stupid. I hated it, I cried sometimes when I just couldn't stand it. They ended up splitting up, and that was really hard for me. (They were never married.) Now my mom and my step-dad are happily married, and I really could not ask for a better family. But those early years, man, they were hell.

I don't really know what to tell you as far as what to do about this, but I think that the best thing is for them to start marriage counceling again. Based on the results last time, I think it would work.

Also, I am pretty sure they both love you and care about you, especially as they already have lost one child. So, express how you feel about it all, tell them that it really bugs you and is making you not happy, and they will try to do something about it. Sorry I'm not very helpful, family matters are not my strong point.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Thanks. :) I'm just glad to hear that apparently it's possible for a couple to get married and be happy. I'll definitely be talking to them. I hope it helps.

[george]

My parents are...well I don't know. I grew up with my step-dad and my mom but I never actually met my real dad. I'm not even sure if he's still alive. They're both really old like 50-60 so you can say good bye to any type of sex life. My mom, is a confused woman at best. Her logic isn't very good. She is always telling my dad to do something because they both created this company (well technically it was created under my moms name) where they give tours in buses and vans around the city, to weddings, pretty much to anything. She always does things half way and figures that my dad can figure it out on his own. She blatantly goes around and buys things that she THINKS she needs. If she sees something thats like 50% off and she doesn't even need it, she'll buy it with her like 7 different credit cards. She acts like a kid who doesn't really know the value of money. She says that I need to save up money,which I do, and that whenever I do spend money that I don't know the true value of money. They originally needed a place to park their buses and vans, so my mom leases a space thats like 3,000 dollars a month or something just to use the space in the back to park some buses and vans. We already had an office before which was like 500 dollars a month but she couldn't get out of the contract because it was a like 4 or 5 year lease. We just now got rid of it. The office that we do have though, is HUGE like the size of a lot for a 1 story house. But just to spend some more money, my mom goes and turns it into "Houston Chinese Performing Arts School" where she gets like what....300 dollars a month? She bought, huge speakers, a pool table, remodeled the place at least 4 times (as in tearing down walls and what not), buys like 40 tables and 70 chairs, and MANY MANY other useless things that are getting us no profit what so ever. When ever she does get money however, now, because I think she finally realized that she is losing money and we are drastically in debt. She's now starting to put a lot more money into the bank for all the checks that she writes.

A few months ago I'd hear my parents arguing a lot, normally when their in their bedroom and since my rooms right about theirs I could pretty much hear everything they say. My dad is the financially smart person that actually knows how to save up and buy things when they need it. My mom bought like 2 20+ passenger buses in the last 2 years when we haven't even payed off the others that we have. She also bought a Ford Escape XLT, which is the most expensive of the Escapes, like last year just for my brother then after 1 year he left for college. My dad has bought like nothing for himself thats for entertainment other than maybe a few movies here and there. We barely go out and eat anymore. I think the last time we ate together as a family was at a Taco Cabana which was like a week ago. Before that though the last time we ate together would have to be at least a month or 2? My parents never really have a set time they get back home other than LATE. My mom usually brings home some take out chinese food at like 10-11 at night but by then my dad and I had usually already eaten what was last nights dinner, which would normally be more take out. I think my moms spent more money on that office then shes spent on me, food for the house, my brothers college tuition, both my dad and my computer, and just anything for the house. She buys more things for that office than things for the house that we actually LIVE in. We just bought this house like 3 years ago and my parents are starting to realized that it SUCKS. The paint is coming off the walls. The room right now that I'm in with my computer, if you press you hand or even a finger on the wall right above my computer, you have chunky paint on your hands. She also, sadly, didn't realize that our old house was in different school district than the one our new house was in so we had to keep the old one for me to actually go to the same school. On a better note though, my mom actually did something right thats getting us some income from it, she rented out our old house. Sadly I got so desperate for clothes, seeing as how before, I had in total like 3 pairs of shorts and 6 shirts that I could wear to school that would fit me, that I took my moms credit card and bought some clothes off the internet. It was only like 80 dollars though but when they got mad at me for doing this, I told them that they hadn't bought me new clothes in like 2 years, they kind of just stood there. Then she says that if I just told her that I needed clothes then she would have gone out and bought some, which I did, but she never bought me anything. We go to the movies like (we as in my dad and I since for some reason my mom can't stand going to the movie theater because the last movie she saw in the US was the FIRST Harry Potter movie in which she fell asleep some how. My aunt, my mom, and me went to go see Transformers in Taiwan last year and I think the only reason why she didn't fall asleep is because they caption it in chinese.)once every 2 months? But if I ever have enough money then I normally just go with my friends and watch it. I think my mom is going through like a mid-life crisis or something because shes always coming home late, she blames me for everything if I ever asked her something, and many other reason. She keeps warning me that if I get bad grades then I won't be able to get into the High School that I'm suppose to be going to and that I'll somehow have to get into an even HARDER to get into PRIVATE school across the street from our old house. Then I said,"That makes no sense." Then she gets quiet and says something like "Ugh fine you win, I don't want to argue with you, you always talk louder or better than me" (her english isn't very good by the way) Then somehow I think she's just trying to somehow make me feel guilty? I don't know..... But when I was in like 4th or 5th grade, I remember asking my brother who he would stay with if they ever got divorced, and he said that he could never choose. What would choose, the mom that raised you and brought you up and tries to give the best things but ultimately fails at the simple things or the step-dad that your not really close to but can actually have a civilized conversation with that since he's very old, I know I can always ask for help and knows how to actually RUN a business like doing taxes and what not? Its the difference between the "RIGHT" choice and the "SMART" choice. My dads been married before though. I don't know much about his past life since he was in the Air Force for like 37 years and had like 7 kids. He doesn't have enough money to buy anything for his kids or grand kids for Christmas. I'm not sure what ever happened with his wife though, not sure if she died, got divorced , or anything like that. Sadly, last Christmas, my mom gave my brother a stick of deodorant, which was his, and like 75 dollars that she owed him. This Christmas, I, somehow, happened to be the person with the most gifts being given out. I gave my mom some diamond ear rings, my dad a full set of hard back harry potter books, because I know he liked them and that he likes to collect things, and my brother a 100 dollar Best Buy gift card. My mom bought my dad a brand new laptop that he didn't even need so I suggested that he send it to his daughter since they had a really old computer which he did. Sadly, to my disappointment, I got NOTHING...well yet. I had been talking to my dad about getting me an XBOX 360 and my brother's friend happen to be selling one that came with HALO 3, 2 wireless controllers, and a wireless receiver (it costs 100$ for one) for just 300$. My brother was nice enough to pitch in his Best Buy gift card and my dad put in another 100 dollars. The last third I had to put in. So basically I bought a third of my only Christmas present. 2 months later it was Chinese New Year which is normally when my mom gives me like 20-40 dollars. This year she gave me 15. Then a few days later it was my birthday (February 17) in which I got 10 dollars for my only present from my family. I got more money and presents from my friends than I got from my own family.

Sorry for ranting on about my life but I just needed to vent all that since I can't yell or talk some sense into my mom because she either calls someone on the phone, walks away, trying to make you feel guilty for telling what ever your telling her, she even says something like "your talking just like your dad" which is the logical way to think, doesn't actually talk to you like your not there, or says she has to go to the office to do something. Lately though, they haven't been arguing much which is really a good thing. There's always that chance that we are going to have to declare bankruptcy though. I don't think I'll ever know what the base of my parents relationship ever was. A few months ago, it was more just like 4 people that happened to be living together and "supported" each other. We just sorta of my live our own lives in the same house. My moms life is to be "FAMOUS" and show off to all her "friends." My dad is just trying to making to retirement with some money left. My parents are never really supporting school wise. I'm sure that if I came home with all 100's on my report card, they'd say, or at least my mom, "Good Job" and like pat me on the back or something then walk away. I really have no idea what kind of person my step-dad is like but I know if I ever need help that he'll help me out.

Sorry but I just had to put some more in there. But Jessi, I hope your parents don't split up. I couldn't deal with having to choose between who to stay with if my parents ever split up. I think you should talk to them about going back to counseling if things get really bad.

[The Batman]

It sounds as if life is starting to take its toll and it's getting pretty stressful for your family. I think tomorrow you should just go out for a walk with your mom and let her clear her mind and maybe talk to your dad about having some kind of special dinner for her you know just something to relax you all. Maybe the counselor could help out too. I remember when I was young I wanted my parents to split up because I saw how unhappy they were together, but in your case it seems as if stress is making them unhappy.

[george]

It sounds as if life is starting to take its toll and it's getting pretty stressful for your family. I think tomorrow you should just go out for a walk with your mom and let her clear her mind and maybe talk to your dad about having some kind of special dinner for her you know just something to relax you all. Maybe the counselor could help out too. I remember when I was young I wanted my parents to split up because I saw how unhappy they were together, but in your case it seems as if stress is making them unhappy.
So did they ever split up or are they still together?

[The Batman]

They split up 2 years ago.

[george]

They split up 2 years ago.
So what happened?

[The Batman]

So what happened?
I don't want to clutter jessie's thread so just read this http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=20011

[Zephyr]

Fighting and not getting along is a part of every healthy relationship,
As long as it isn't in excess or turn violent.
As long as your parents are willing to work it out or go back to counseling,
I wouldn't try to worry too much.
If the marriage is truly worth it, they will save it.

After seeing my parent's marriage go up in flames followed by a messy divorce around the time I was 12, I learned that it's just best to talk things out civily, compromise and be open with each other. Mom always hid a lot of things from dad, and dad would never compromise or be civil when he would find out about whatever it was. They didn't think that their marraige was worth saving, even for mine and my sister's sake, so they split. It was better in the long run because my parents are polar opposites.

[Rutherford The Brave]

Well since I never knew my mom I have seen my father got through some harsh relationships I have lived in a car because of these things. The worst part of it was that they'd fight in front of me and often times I'd get hit with objects.

[byee]

Well, I think the best way of dealing with this might be to acknowledge to yourself that it is not your responsibility to keep them together, to take sides, or to act as a moderator. You're their kid, they need to care for you, not the other way around. They should recognize that. Especially given all you've been thru with your sister.

What you can do is let them know how you feel about their open conflict and what you need from them, and why. You can let them know that they seemed better when they were in therapy. And you can tell them you've been thru enough and you need them to try to be more available to you emotionally.

Parents do fight, conflict is a part of the human experience. However, so is resolution, that's the peice you look for. Without that, the prognosis is bleak.

Recognize what your role is, help them to see your place here as theur kid and that you need some things from them, esp. given your loss.