brokenfaerie
May 6th, 2008, 02:25 PM
(kinda ranting in my sick and distorted way)
i'm so confused! i love this control! i love the feeling of saying no to something and it not turning around and going against my will. i know all the psycho crap about being raped when i was little and not fulling understanding the true meaning of the word no but that doesn't matter to me now. i tell my body no food and it says ok no food. ok i know its not that simple and my body is really bitching and moaning but when it comes to the scale my body has given up its control and dropped the pounds.
on sunday my mom told me she's worried that i've traded cutting for anorexia. and my psych told me to be careful about addiction transfer but i don't care. i want to be thin!!!
but i do care...i hate the idea of my mom worrying about me. i've done so many things in the past to cause her to worry and now i'm supposedly doing so much better but i just got this one little thing. i know i'm not anorexic. i may be unhealthily dieting but its no where as extreme as anorexia...yet.
god i'm obsessed with this!! all i read are books about anorexia. i listen to songs about anorexia. i watch the movie THIN over and over again. i count every single calorie that goes into my body. i only draw emaciated girls. i'm so obsessed that i envy kids in third world countries who are starving. god thats sick!!! i'm hate that! but i love it. i love the routine. i love the superior feeling of watching people stuff their faces with food while i sit and push my food around.
i don't want help with this because i'm still considered an over-weight person. i'll get help once i reach my goal weight and i can't stop.
and don't tell me that if i want to lose the weight i have to eat but eat healthy foods and exercise. that doesn't work for me. i try. i eat healthy. i eat 1500 calories a day. but then thats too many. i cut it to a 1000. then 600. then 400. now 200 calories a day sounds like a lot. i don't know how to eat healthy i only know how to restrict.
i'm so confused! i love this control! i love the feeling of saying no to something and it not turning around and going against my will. i know all the psycho crap about being raped when i was little and not fulling understanding the true meaning of the word no but that doesn't matter to me now. i tell my body no food and it says ok no food. ok i know its not that simple and my body is really bitching and moaning but when it comes to the scale my body has given up its control and dropped the pounds.
on sunday my mom told me she's worried that i've traded cutting for anorexia. and my psych told me to be careful about addiction transfer but i don't care. i want to be thin!!!
but i do care...i hate the idea of my mom worrying about me. i've done so many things in the past to cause her to worry and now i'm supposedly doing so much better but i just got this one little thing. i know i'm not anorexic. i may be unhealthily dieting but its no where as extreme as anorexia...yet.
god i'm obsessed with this!! all i read are books about anorexia. i listen to songs about anorexia. i watch the movie THIN over and over again. i count every single calorie that goes into my body. i only draw emaciated girls. i'm so obsessed that i envy kids in third world countries who are starving. god thats sick!!! i'm hate that! but i love it. i love the routine. i love the superior feeling of watching people stuff their faces with food while i sit and push my food around.
i don't want help with this because i'm still considered an over-weight person. i'll get help once i reach my goal weight and i can't stop.
and don't tell me that if i want to lose the weight i have to eat but eat healthy foods and exercise. that doesn't work for me. i try. i eat healthy. i eat 1500 calories a day. but then thats too many. i cut it to a 1000. then 600. then 400. now 200 calories a day sounds like a lot. i don't know how to eat healthy i only know how to restrict.