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BeautifulSilence
April 28th, 2008, 12:48 PM
One foggy night under the faded glow of the full moon, a young lady was driving her small, but fast car home from another pointless and lonely day. After once again being unoticed, she had reached breaking point, and finally went along with her plan. However before she did that, she stopped at an all-night garage, for some food, as she had gone almost all day without eating.

She decided to stop and sit down before she tended to her hunger, she wanted to re-read her suicide note, which was the main part of her plan. There were plenty of reasons for her suicide attempt. She was a very depressed woman, she was unfortunate with everything, she never got blessed with children or a loving husband, she had never had a companion, she never had a mother or father. So, as you would expect she didn't love anything and obviously nothing loved her in return.

Her suicide note, was most likely a cry for help, she never really wanted to die, no one ever does, but she wanted to be seen for once. She hadn't really existed before that, no body ever realised that she was there, so what was the point? She figured that if she wrote a suicide note, that she would be reconized at last, even if it was for all of the wrong reasons, but she had to have written the note exactly right, and as dramatic and complicated as possible.

Which is why her suicide note read as a poem, she often read poems, to escape reality, but this poem was written to change her reality:

This is an attempt,
an attempt to make you cry,
I'm hoping this will work,
because I never tell a lie.
First I'll draw a picture,
a picture with a twist,
I'll draw it with a razor,
and I'll draw it on my wrist.
I'll take some sleeping pills,
but hopefully never wake,
but if I ever do,
then my head I will bake.
I'm gonna kill myself,
and there's no need to gloat,
all I have to do,
is tie an object round my throat.
I'll walk along the train tracks,
and maybe I will slip,
and when you come to find me,
you'll find me bit by bit.
I can always find a tower,
and jump from up high,
all I need to do,
is climb towards the sky.
I hope this has your attention,
because I'll try it all,
anything that keeps me,
from being oh, so small.

After checking through it a dozen times, the young and needy lady went into the garage, to finally tend to her needs, as if nothing was different, because even if it was, she was certain that no one would ever notice. Sometimes it seemed as if she were invisible to any one living, and often she would be.

She came out of the garage, carrying her breakfast, lunch and dinner that was presented in a form of a small snack for that was all that she could afford. She got into her car, not noticing that she hadn't locked the any of the doors before. She placed her snack on the front passengers seat, done up her seat belt and carried on with her journey home.

As she reached for the snack, she noticed in her mirror that there was a car behind her, this was strange as the time was now nearly mid-night. At first she thought that she was being paraniod, so she just ignored it. However the more she tried to ignore he car, the more she felt that the car was following her, she somehow managed to convince herself that the car wasn't.

Suddenly, she noticed the mysterious car trying to drive into her, so to get away from it she drove faster, but the car behind just did the same. She turned several corners, but still the car remained behind her, she reached for her mobile phone on the dash-board, but dropped it after driving over a speed bump.

Then she started to panic, and ridiculously decided to go through the forest. She was driving faster, her heart was beating harder. At this point she thought that she might die. Finally, what she thought was an useful idea sprang into her head. So she did it, she switched her head lights off, but still drove on.

At last she lost the car, but that was the worst thing she could have done. The person that was following her was only trying to warn her about the strange and mysterious figure, that he saw get into her car whilst she was in the shop, and witnessed it seatle down on her back seat, he also saw the outline of what seemed to be a knife that the unusual and possibly manic person was holding, so it was a good thing that she wanted to die, wasn't it?

Mzor203
April 28th, 2008, 01:52 PM
Okay, so when you see me replying to a story posted, and my reply says, "Good Job!" Then you know you've done a hell of a good job. I am an intense critic, though I hold myself back on these forums, and even with you having written such a fabulous story, if I sat down with it and a nice red pen, I could still make it bleed.

Fabulous story-line. I absolutely love the irony at the end, you sculpted it perfectly, kept the suspense climbing until the very end.

The poem in the middle was quite fantastic, you did very well creating a poem with a great rhyme scheme going throughout it and still keeping entirely on the topic with it. The one thing I have to say about it though is that the way it is written, it seems like the woman in the story is saying that she is trying to make someone sad by comitting suicide, which would make people a bit suspicious.

Now there are other little grammatical errors, spelling errors, and little things that disrupt the flow of the story a bit, like the wording of certain passages, the way some words are placed relative to others, blah blah, etc. If you want me to point those out and do a little editing for you, you can contact me if you wish, and I could do a little work for you. I'd be happy to hone my skills a bit and help out a fellow author.

Keep up the good work. You did fantastically, and I hope to see more of your work in the future.

Nihilus
April 28th, 2008, 11:48 PM
not bad at all i like how you made that story twist around

Zephyr
April 29th, 2008, 12:02 AM
A good start,
And a nice plot line.
Especially with the irony.
A little dry in content though (probably just me),
And a few grammatical errors.
With some revising, this could have some potential = )

BeautifulSilence
April 29th, 2008, 01:05 PM
Thanks, peoples. I wrote it ages ago... I must've been about 12ish, but I've kept it on my PC 'cos I was always proud of it :D


Now there are other little grammatical errors, spelling errors, and little things that disrupt the flow of the story a bit, like the wording of certain passages, the way some words are placed relative to others, blah blah, etc. If you want me to point those out and do a little editing for you, you can contact me if you wish, and I could do a little work for you. I'd be happy to hone my skills a bit and help out a fellow author.

That would be highly appreciated ^-^

Mzor203
April 29th, 2008, 02:25 PM
If you wrote it when you were twelve, I could see some sort of writing career in your future. I'll see what I can do later. I'm going to have to get on to my normal computer sometime because the word processor on my laptop is being stupid these days. I'll let you know when I get around to it. Any other works you could show us? I would like that.

BeautifulSilence
April 30th, 2008, 04:13 PM
I'll see what I can find, I posted a lot of things on a forum, they may still be there. Although I saw a few of 'em not too long ago, and things that I thought were brilliant are now what I consider rather embarrassing :whoops: