Well, I was doing well.

[Atonement]

It seems like ever time I start to dobetter, I fail. I fall back into this dark hole that just overwhelms me, every, single, time.

Some how, I am told I have this unique ability to find a way to find everything is my fault. Even though, I truely know that they are completely unrelated to my actions.

I just keep doing well, then falling deeper, then doing well, and tripping up again! I am just so scared of one of these times that I will slip up and just not try to stop again. And its like every time that I slip up, the action gets worse and worse. I am just scared. I dont even know why I am posting as a mod... idk. whatever.

[nefarious3d]

well. first,
whats wrong?
whats bugging you?

when i feel like ive done something wrong, even with seeing things a little bit backwards, i remove myself from the situation, i dont think about it, participate in a SAFE HEALTHY activity (lol sorry about the caps, just didnt feel like clicking the underline key) and then after a while or when you get bored of the activity, relax a bit more, and youll realize that this thing that you didnt do wrong or whatever it may be, doesnt really matter as much as you think it does.

because, if you did it wrong, then it would probably directly affect you. since you didnt do anything wrong, and you know it but dont want to admit it to yourself, it probably doesnt affect you at all.

if your mom/dad/sister burns a egg in the frying pan and they blame you, whose fault is it really? clearly the person cooking the egg. so dont yell or anything, remove yourself, and come back and the situation will most likely be different..

i hope that helps =]

[Atonement]

Kinda of helps. But a lot of the situations are a lot bigger than burning an egg. Its more like, teenage pregnancy, flunking out of college, death, or other major things like that. And I cant exactly just remove myself from those situations.

[Bobby]

I know this has probably been suggested before - but try letting out your emotions some other way. I've read your poems, and they're great. Try writing more.

Everytime you pull out that knife, or that blade just think "What am I really accomplishing by cutting myself?"

Nothing.

[Atonement]

everytime that I do pull out the blade, I try to stop myself, but by that point its too late. sorry, I am being negative. Also, I can only write so much then it is repetitive. Wow, I am just making excuses aren't I?

Thanks for your comments.

[Bobby]

Your welcome.

Maybe you should try not being negative. Keep happy thoughts in your head. Don't even pull out that blade, toss it in the garbage with all the other things you use to cut.

[Atonement]

Throwing them away scares me, first of all, what if my mom found them?!?! omg, I definately couldnt handle that.

Also, I am just scared that if I throw away what I use, I willonly get more creative. Like last time, I threw away my swiss army knife that I had used, then I needed something, and got a scalpel. yes, a medical scalpel. So, I am just horrified of what will happen...

[Bobby]

How would your parents would react if they found out? Would they be angry? Or would the be sympathetic? They could be a big support.

[Atonement]

They'd be piussed off. That I had been to the hospital and now gotten better. they would then just ignore me and act like the problem child never existed.

[Bobby]

Maybe you should try asking them for help. Do they realize how desperate you are?

[Atonement]

They must. I have sat them down and told them literally, and yet they still act like nothing is wrong. They ignore the problem rather than face it.

[Bobby]

How about conseling? You should try that.

[Atonement]

I have it. No good comes out of it but magnifying my problems and making them much bigger which then just makes me do more self harm.

[Bobby]

Okay, well all I can say is just resist it. You need to have a strong will, you can do it.

[Atonement]

Thanks for trying to help. :)

[nefarious3d]

you shouldnt cut. i know its hypocritical for me to say it, being a cutter.. but whatever problems you have there are always better ways of dealing with it... i was just using the "burning the egg" as a metaphor. i figured there were MUCH bigger problems at hand than that, but i didnt really know.

the best way to release anxiety in my own personal opinion is not cutting, but rather talking in a calm safe environment where people care about you.
thats why shrinks dont really work, because 9/10ths of them only care about money.

and being negative never helps. i know cos im always negative, but if you try to see the positive side no matter how buried it is, youll feel better

pm me if you want, id really like to find out more about your actual problems if you would tell me..

[theOperaGhost]

Addison, just try using the advice you give to others, your great at giving advice, now just take it from yourself and everyone else. Your not to blame for other people problems, if you didn't cause them. I know what that is like. Just don't let it get to you. If you have to just ignore them, like it sounds like they ignore you. (Don't know if that makes sense or not, but I think it does) Try to find things that make you happy. It doesn't sound like there are many things that do that, but there has to be something. Still, my biggest advice, is just to take your own advice that you've given to other people.

Another idea (which you might not be open to, but I will still put it) listen to angry music. Find the most pissed off lyrics you can find and just listen to them. Some might make you feel better. I don't know if that actually works, but it might.

[star_face]

sounds like your going through the same problem as me, as soon as i manage to stop and i think i won't do it anymore something happens and pushes me back to were i stared becuase it's the only thing that helps me to control everything and everytime it happens it gets worse.i've been trying to stop for the last 4 years, the most i've gone is about 6 months.

It sounds like you've got alot going on at the moment and it's all just building up pressure and i'd do the same as you, it's the only way we know how to cope, one thing i've found that helps though when theres so much going on it to write a list of everything thats happening like all your problems and then work out a way to solve each one, and then put it into action but only try to solve one at a time. this sort of helps me to clear my head, but i know there are somethings that just can't be solved and i have no control over, so i just try to forget about those or make the best out of things, or think of what might happen in the future, becuase your actions now will effect what happens in the future.

i'm sorry i haven't got too much advice, seems silly that i'm giving other people advice when i'm going through the same problems but i never listen to my own advice, which i think i should do more often , and you give good advice to maybe you should read through some of what you've helped other people with.
x

[Atonement]

Jard, I tried that... well, I got really pissed off at well, everything and ended up uhh... cutting.

[The Batman]

Addison this is something that you can't stop on your own my advice is for you to go to your therapist and tell him/her and they will get you the help you need.

[Hyper]

everytime that I do pull out the blade, I try to stop myself, but by that point its too late. sorry, I am being negative. Also, I can only write so much then it is repetitive. Wow, I am just making excuses aren't I?

Thanks for your comments.

Yes you are, you need to realize as a cutter that you are the one who controls yourself not other people or things, if you can't control yourself your life will always be bad

Stay strong thats all you can do.