Not proud

[nefarious3d]

Well. I have a history of self mutilation. Kind of. In the past I used to pierce my body.. I pierced my tongue, then my lip, then my ears.. well, I had to take 2 of those out.. one time in my freshman year (i was and still am quite the loner) i cut my wrist on the bus until it bled with my house key, and wow surprisingly nobody noticed (sarcasm). I don't do this for attention. And then about 3 years ago my ex-girlfriend broke up with me for some other guy. And I was really depressed and that just threw me down further into the pit, and I grabbed the nearest sharp pointy object which happened to be a safety pin and carved "Who Will Love Me Now <3" in letters that covered my whole calf.
then i didn't do it again.. until recently
.. lately I have used a razor and carved fuck up many times in my leg, and no I didn't know the story of to write love on her arms, and now i have 17 fairly deep lines on my ankle.
I suffer from Bi-Polar Disorder. If you don't know what that is, ask and I will tell you, but I joined this forum cos I need help and I like to help people...

Thanks for reading...

[Atonement]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that. Just asking, have you seen a doctor or psychiatrist, therapist, etc. about this?

[nefarious3d]

well. yes, and no. I have been seeing a regular psychiatrist, I am on 1800 mg of lithium and 1800 mg of neurotin, 20 mg of abilify, and 20 mg of lexapro. .. umm but if I tell my psychiatrist that I cut myself legally he has the right to bring in law enforcement and officials and I will probably end up in the psych ward at U of M or some other psych ward...

[Atonement]

Technically, i dont think law enforcement has the right to do that unless you are a harm to others. But besides the point, I highly suggesttelling him because he can help. And even if you do end up in a psych ward, they do help a lot.

[nefarious3d]

But. But but but. The problem with a psych ward is that I won't graduate on time. I cannot afford that. My parents wont pay for summer school for me, therefore I get to be a super senior. And that would not be cool.
And if they found out (meaning my parents) I would be in more trouble than I'm worth, I'd almost be better off dead.
And idk i just thought self mutilation was a crime, whatever if it isnt then i could tell him, but he just always says that if im doing that he has to legally tell someone or something, even with that lie of confidentiality they have...

[Gender-Unknown]

Mate never say you would be better of dead ok. There are ways to fix problems and these involve going to the psychiartrist and telling him of your problems.

I have gone and seen a psychiartrist b4 for a diff reason and they help alot.

And don't even contemplate suicide please. I have thought of it b4 aswell and i tried but it only put me in more pain and suffering b4 i tried because no one knew of my problem ( read my username ) and i tried and the police rung up my home because i was in critical conditon at hospital.

So talk to a counsellor or a psychologist or psychiartrist.

They help alot.

[nefarious3d]

i do have a psychiatrist. my parents cant really afford for me to see him a lot, so i go when i can. and i wont actually commit suicide, ever, but yea i contemplate it all the time. i honestly dont have the balls to do it...

i cut because its painful, it makes me feel a bit better just in general, and hopefully i can stop sometime soon but right now i really dont have a reason to because i dont matter at all to me and i cant make myself believe that i matter to anyone else.

[electric7rocker]

when i got sent to a psych ward... it was only for an over night. (but idk what its like where you live)
i told them that i had stopped cutting (even though i hadnt) and that i had never wanted to kill myself... but they took me anyways

now insurance covers my sessions with my therapist.




thats probably not a good idea to do on purpose.. it just sorta happened for me. but really consider talking to your psychiatrist about it.

[nefarious3d]

i dont know ive been told by a lot of people that i should be put in a padded room. honestly it doesnt really help all that much, but what can i say, i probably do need to be locked up.
im just afraid ill never get out.. cos my dad always told me that if i got locked up that theyd never release me

[theOperaGhost]

I think you should tell your psychiatrist that you cut. I think they actually can legally put you in a psych ward, if they feel you are a threat to yourself, such a committing suicide (which is a felony (I think) for some reason, don't know why). I don't actually know if they can legally do that or not, but I do think so. Just get some help and don't hurt yourself.

[nefarious3d]

Its not just as simple as just dont do it, i need a reason. and i cannot be the reason because i do not matter to myself at all. and if i tell my psychiatrist he will [definetly] have my mom put me away. and i always will be a threat to myself. but not to kill myself, ill just be a threat to myself considering the fact that i cut, and dont care about myself at all.

[-Silence]

Hun it sounds like the medication you are on now isn't working. Maybe talk to talk to the psych about changing them?

About cutting, I'm not going to tell you not to do it, that'd be crazy coming from me. And I'm not going to tell you to tell the psych. because you do risk getting put away if you do. If you could just try to do other things before you cut, and maybe the urge to cut won't be there after, if it is maybe it won't be as strong.

The reason is that it doesn't help. It may for a little bit but after it will just get worse and worse and worse. It's like the snowball effect, everything will keep building up until you cut, then that will lessen it some and then things will continue to build up again.

If you can find another outlet, not to quit cutting but to just get it in control to where you don't need it so much, maybe it won't be as bad.


But anyways, hang in there!

[nefarious3d]

thanks.. i just cant have my parents figure out.. and i wish people could understand... its not that i want to be a stereotype or anything, i really feel bad about so much crap and i cant make myself feel better.. yea my meds dont work..
idk theres so much wrong with me, and not other people, that i cannot change, that i just feel like it helps..