I've sort of had an epiphany

[Babs]

I usually try to avoid talking about this sort of thing because talking about my feelings and shit kinda makes me wanna vomit for ten hours. But I think I have something here that might make a drastic change and this is the easiest place to talk about it.

I've had my share of mistakes. I fuck up a lot and when I do I don't know how to deal with it. I really just can't let anything go. All in all, I just can't fucking stand myself except during those occasional wonderful emotional upswings. So I avoid thinking about myself and shit I've done a long-ass time ago, and when I do inevitably think about that I usually think about how I should just get drunk or that I should just kill myself already. God, every time I think about suicide it just seems so simple, like the answer was right in front of me all along.

I need to learn to forgive myself. I need to forget about all the things I've done that everyone else forgot a long time ago. I am so forgiving to everyone but myself, because I fucking hate myself. So I need to learn to stop hating myself. I realize that now. I don't know what took me so damn long. But I don't know where to begin.

[StoppingTom]

From my therapist to you:

The path to forgiving yourself first begins with accepting what you have done and that it is over and done with. You know how it makes you feel, and whether it makes you feel guilty or angry, there may be something you can do now to make up for it if it is still an open wound. Now, realize, for every mistake you may make, you probably do a hundred great things that you may not even recognize. Understand what you want from yourself, and set forward realistic goals to meet those expectations.

I know how awful it can feel Berea, so feel free to chat me up if you're ever feeling down about this kind of stuff or need to get something off your chest.

[SethfromMI]

well you are taking the first step though which counts. aEON gave some great advice. good for you for taking the first step!

[Babs]

I've been thinking about the whole thing the last few days since I've posted this. I'm trying to implement changes on my way of thinking, though that will take time. Anyway, it's a start so the fact that I'm even trying is reason enough to be optimistic.

Thanks y'all.