confused

[betakid]

hey guys, betakid here posting about my feelings..i hope someone reads this and gives me their honest advice because i cant tell this to anyone in the real world for various reasons..okay here goes..I am 17 this year and am studying in a jc..I met a friend here who seems to be someone really awesome and someone who i really enjoy spending time with..talking to on whatsapp that is..the thing is..since the beginning of the year, i have never been able to talk to him properly in real life because im so used to doing it on whatsapp..i always find myself looking for topics to talk about..we have nothing in common but school..so its kind of hard to talk to him..but on whatsapp we talk to great lengths and i really enjoy it..i have talked to him about this and i have tried many ways to make things less awkward in real life..we tried going out to study together and all..but it doesnt work because we are always out of topics to talk about..that was in the beginning of the year..in sometime around april may..i got over sticky with him, wanting to sit beside him in every class, wanting to go home with him alone everyday, because i hated the class because there were so many rude and vulgar people..he didnt mind at first..but after hearing what his peers said about me being gay..he started distancing himself from me too..we ended up not speaking to each other for the whole june holidays..and when he returned after the school holidays, he suddenly became the popular kid because everyone wanted to be his friend..suddenly i became alone and he pitied me..and so with the words of encouragement of his friends..he approached me and tried to be friends with me..but as mentioned earlier..i am the most awkward person i know and so i will be awkward around him as he tries to listen to what his friends says about making up with me..and so he continued until now..to this day it is still awkward talking to him..it is my fault because i think of myself as having no personality and so whenever someone tries to talk to me or be nice to me, they end up hating me because I cant properly respond to them, i say the mist sensitive of things, even when i think before i say..i feel like im having my mid-life crisis because now everyone in the class hates me and i dont know why(im guessing because they think im weak and gay) and my supposedly best friend is talking to me only because his friends wants him to, and i know because he will talk behind my back and will be scarastic to me all the time and he will be a horrible person to me when no ones around..maybe its because ive no friends and i look weak and gay and everyone in class makes fun of me..i dont know what to do and so i decided to come here..its just so messed up, my best friend(my only friend) who secretly hates me..my fked up personality(its not a self esteem issue, i really think so)..i really wish i could end my life now..i hate my best friend..i hate this world..i wish i was never born..someone please tell me what to do im afraid one day i may really kill myself..

[Emerald Dream]

VTHQ :arrow: Family and Friends

This will get a better response over here.

[Just JT]

Well, first welcome to VT

Second I'm a little confused about how you think everyone hates you. Seems your "friend" is being encouraged to "make up" with you, but do t reall see any kind of conflict that happened. Sometimes people, friendships, relationships drift apart, and then back together again.
If this is really how he is behaving, then I'd say he was never really your friend, cause that's not how friends great friends.
But also, you talk about it being awkward trying to find topics to talk about, and how you two have nothing in common. Maybe try doing something with him that he likes doing, then next time you choose something you both do together
He might say no, maybe he's just not interested, in which case, you move on and try to make another friendship with someone.

Not saying it's easy, friendships and relationships are complicated and take a lot of energy and time. If you guys are friends, he obviously has other friends, and enjoys spending time with them as well, not just with you. You may want to spend time only with him, but it doesn't work that way.
You need to allow peoe their space, do other things and see other people and stuff

But if your really feeling you are going to mill yourself over this, then I think you need to talk to someone irl, parent, sibling, teacher or counselor or something.
We can't have you thinking bad thoughts like that about hurting yourself ok ?