Fractured Silhouette
September 14th, 2015, 10:25 AM
Ever had a eureka! moment and just think to yourself "now it all makes sense", except instead the thought drives you into despair and pain?
The last time I saw my therapist her advice was "you need to get a job and move out as soon as possible". This didn't make much sense to me at first, why is it so imperative I move out soon? Well that's because she probably figured me out before I did, see I'm actually a trans female who was so deep in denial that I refused to even consider that it actually might be the case. Why was it every picture I'm ever in I look awful? Why do I like crossdressing so much? Why do I only ever look good in a mirror when I'm wearing make-up and a skirt? Whenever I dressed up I took pictures because those were the only pictures I could look at it without feeling like something was off. It was while looking at a picture which made me look super feminine and I was smiling, which is odd because I hate smiling for pictures. That was when it tweaked and I re-evaluated my whole childhood. I have a very distinct memory of my dad hitting me over and over telling me to "stop" being such a girl, he did the same thing after he found out I self-harmed. Now my dad is a nice man who loves his son, I don't doubt that at all, but he terrifies me, because I'm still that girl who spends her time crying when noones around. But what he did was instilled a fear so deep that I tried everything I could to be a man, I tried so damn hard to fit this image that I knew he wanted to see. Now it hurt when bullies said I looked like a girl in high school and beat me up for it but now I understand that was because I wanted so badly to keep to the lie I had built for myself that I couldn't keep repairing the foundations.
Y'know what makes a person transgender? Hormones in the womb don't get released properly and the brain doesn't register that your body may be male or female and so makes a different assessment about it. So that's it, my mother released a bunch of estrogen at the wrong time and my brain was all like "right, this kid's a She". Right, cool my would-be males life done in by freak hormones. What a joke.
So that's it I'm teen with daddy and bullying issues. Right now the only thing that keeps me functioning is music, the internet and anti-depressents. Now I don't know where to go from here but I guess it's nice to be able to see the truth I guess. It could be worse I guess.
Thanks for reading, I hope there's someone out there who can benefit from this even if it's just by relation.
The last time I saw my therapist her advice was "you need to get a job and move out as soon as possible". This didn't make much sense to me at first, why is it so imperative I move out soon? Well that's because she probably figured me out before I did, see I'm actually a trans female who was so deep in denial that I refused to even consider that it actually might be the case. Why was it every picture I'm ever in I look awful? Why do I like crossdressing so much? Why do I only ever look good in a mirror when I'm wearing make-up and a skirt? Whenever I dressed up I took pictures because those were the only pictures I could look at it without feeling like something was off. It was while looking at a picture which made me look super feminine and I was smiling, which is odd because I hate smiling for pictures. That was when it tweaked and I re-evaluated my whole childhood. I have a very distinct memory of my dad hitting me over and over telling me to "stop" being such a girl, he did the same thing after he found out I self-harmed. Now my dad is a nice man who loves his son, I don't doubt that at all, but he terrifies me, because I'm still that girl who spends her time crying when noones around. But what he did was instilled a fear so deep that I tried everything I could to be a man, I tried so damn hard to fit this image that I knew he wanted to see. Now it hurt when bullies said I looked like a girl in high school and beat me up for it but now I understand that was because I wanted so badly to keep to the lie I had built for myself that I couldn't keep repairing the foundations.
Y'know what makes a person transgender? Hormones in the womb don't get released properly and the brain doesn't register that your body may be male or female and so makes a different assessment about it. So that's it, my mother released a bunch of estrogen at the wrong time and my brain was all like "right, this kid's a She". Right, cool my would-be males life done in by freak hormones. What a joke.
So that's it I'm teen with daddy and bullying issues. Right now the only thing that keeps me functioning is music, the internet and anti-depressents. Now I don't know where to go from here but I guess it's nice to be able to see the truth I guess. It could be worse I guess.
Thanks for reading, I hope there's someone out there who can benefit from this even if it's just by relation.