uChasingxSafetyo
September 9th, 2015, 02:20 AM
I don't have any friends and I feel like crap
Hi. I'm 19 and just started my fifth year of high school. I'm going to this inner city Campus that's sort of like a college on training wheels.
There's no lockers, no cafeteria, no arts programs, no music or drama programs, no Culinary arts or home economics, and pretty much very minimal school spirit.
There's bloaks from all corners of my big city attending this upgrading school.
Ironically I don't know a soul.
Today I saw 2, no 3 people that to my recollection I recognize; but to be completely honest I'd rather wish I did not know these people. You know how it is, bad memories and identity of shame...If I can identify with them at all.
My classes are great and the teachers seem very determined and committed, but for a poor bloak like myself... It's a nightmare.
This institution makes me really envy and appreciate my old high school. Grade 12 was one of the most absolute best years of my life no doubt, although I'm still haunted by the memory of a time in my life when the balances of nature decided to shove a cast-iron foot up my ass and prevent me from graduating.
I flew with flying colors in my first semester of grade 12, and really got to pursue a lot of my passions and talents and discovered so many things about myself that I didn't know I was capable of; seemingly enough this was a memory that will last a lifetime.
I know I'm getting off track here but to finish off basically my dad who I lived with at the time got really sick and had to go to the hospital, and I had nobody around to help me get through the cold winter months of a 2nd term approaching Edmonton winter.
I manages to finish my first semester of senior year with an average of 73%
and this in itself made me feel like I could achieve anything. any goal. any dream.
Even though I was 17 and on my own, I was determined to have a swell final semester of high school and determined to get my life on the bandwagon to success.
Sadly... My father's illness got much much worse, and he returned home from the hospital with absolute horrid demons of pain and anguish and insufficiency...and animosity.
There was nothing much that I could do for him because this was a very crucial time in my life! right? ... :/
To ease your curiosity he had deep vein thrombosis, blood clots, heart problems, circulation issues, and very high blood pressure. I should mention that my dad is 70 years old and I was an uncle the instant I was born.
How does a 17 year old deal with such a discomfort. It's so hard to describe what it's like to go through something like this to somebody who hasn't.
The household became a disaster. Quite disgusting really, If this was God's way of burning me for my past and future sins he sure did one hell of a job; and that's what this was: Living in hell.
I couldn't contain my charisma and confidence to pursue my potential to the best of my abilities. I was broke, hungry, cold and desperate.
I dropped out of high school in February of 2014, just a few weeks shy of my 18th birthday.
Soon after came the inevitable spring and summer following my failure to pass my reluctant final exams; which, I'm so glad that I got to attempt.
Fast Forward to September 2014, I register for my fourth year of high school at an academic centre and then... I caught the flu had to drop out, not because I got the flu, but because my dad went in for some major surgeries.
What was thought to be a calm walk down the hill of the convex hump of what was a tragedy to be blunt - seemed to be nothing more than a sinister temptation from the devil to feel like myself again only to have this surprise surgery become yet again the highlight of my life.
Fast Forward to today, It's September 2015, I'm 19 years old and currently live in my mother's basement.
Dad's living on his own, which makes me feel like such a horrible person for not being there to take care of him.
My first day of school was today and well... it was a shitshow.
I suppose I wanted to vent out my life because for the past year and a half I feel like I have not satisfied myself. It is like I'm stuck at the age of 17, two years later, I feel so lame as I sit here in the basement. I've abandoned all of my passion at my father's house. my music, my arts, and my tranquil namasté. I gave up my life to start a new chapter here at mom's in hopes for a better future. Life man...
You know how when you're in elementary school they say "If you put your mind to it you can achieve anything", you know what that was? that was a fucking lie. you can't achieve anything, nobody can, don't get ahead of yourself. But that's what we're built on in western society... Dreams. What happens when dreams don't come true? " wahh I'm not happy I wanna kill myself ". The continent of America has a higher suicide rate than Africa. Think about that for a second. Every day kids are dying from aids and starvation, yet they're happier than you. Want to know what a dream sounds like in Africa? "I wish I won't die today". But not us! We were taught to dream. You should never give up on your dreams but let's be real, You get a dream, and if it happens then you dream again. nobody ever completed all their dreams.
Since I was a little boy all I ever wanted to do was go on stage and sing songs and play drums and the piano and guitar for people... well I did that, and now I want to be an instrument technician.
My father destroyed all of my dreams in a way.
In may of 2014 I tried to kill myself 3 times. I just went to the High-Level bridge here in Edmonton and tried to jump to my death... three times. Each time I was stopped by a wonderful soul. However the third time I reached out for help and ended up going to a mental hospital for a month.
I'm proud to say that I quit smoking cigarettes for 93 days today.
I really hope this Downtown academic institution thing works out for me.
My self esteem is so low, I have nothing to live for anymore. All of my dreams are down in the gutter. I'm so jaded.
Today I got so stressed out that I bought a pack of cigarettes and guess what? I just smoked one.
I smoked one because I have no friends; and I feel like the only way that I know how to make temporary friends is through smoking.
Today I felt like such a loser at school. All alone and miserable. Since I have literally nobody in my life anymore, I suppose cigarettes will be my companion.
I had so many friends in high school, You could say I was Mr. Popular, but you never know what you have until its gone, and... You'll never miss what you never had.
'Keep on dreaming America'
~Goodnight.
Hi. I'm 19 and just started my fifth year of high school. I'm going to this inner city Campus that's sort of like a college on training wheels.
There's no lockers, no cafeteria, no arts programs, no music or drama programs, no Culinary arts or home economics, and pretty much very minimal school spirit.
There's bloaks from all corners of my big city attending this upgrading school.
Ironically I don't know a soul.
Today I saw 2, no 3 people that to my recollection I recognize; but to be completely honest I'd rather wish I did not know these people. You know how it is, bad memories and identity of shame...If I can identify with them at all.
My classes are great and the teachers seem very determined and committed, but for a poor bloak like myself... It's a nightmare.
This institution makes me really envy and appreciate my old high school. Grade 12 was one of the most absolute best years of my life no doubt, although I'm still haunted by the memory of a time in my life when the balances of nature decided to shove a cast-iron foot up my ass and prevent me from graduating.
I flew with flying colors in my first semester of grade 12, and really got to pursue a lot of my passions and talents and discovered so many things about myself that I didn't know I was capable of; seemingly enough this was a memory that will last a lifetime.
I know I'm getting off track here but to finish off basically my dad who I lived with at the time got really sick and had to go to the hospital, and I had nobody around to help me get through the cold winter months of a 2nd term approaching Edmonton winter.
I manages to finish my first semester of senior year with an average of 73%
and this in itself made me feel like I could achieve anything. any goal. any dream.
Even though I was 17 and on my own, I was determined to have a swell final semester of high school and determined to get my life on the bandwagon to success.
Sadly... My father's illness got much much worse, and he returned home from the hospital with absolute horrid demons of pain and anguish and insufficiency...and animosity.
There was nothing much that I could do for him because this was a very crucial time in my life! right? ... :/
To ease your curiosity he had deep vein thrombosis, blood clots, heart problems, circulation issues, and very high blood pressure. I should mention that my dad is 70 years old and I was an uncle the instant I was born.
How does a 17 year old deal with such a discomfort. It's so hard to describe what it's like to go through something like this to somebody who hasn't.
The household became a disaster. Quite disgusting really, If this was God's way of burning me for my past and future sins he sure did one hell of a job; and that's what this was: Living in hell.
I couldn't contain my charisma and confidence to pursue my potential to the best of my abilities. I was broke, hungry, cold and desperate.
I dropped out of high school in February of 2014, just a few weeks shy of my 18th birthday.
Soon after came the inevitable spring and summer following my failure to pass my reluctant final exams; which, I'm so glad that I got to attempt.
Fast Forward to September 2014, I register for my fourth year of high school at an academic centre and then... I caught the flu had to drop out, not because I got the flu, but because my dad went in for some major surgeries.
What was thought to be a calm walk down the hill of the convex hump of what was a tragedy to be blunt - seemed to be nothing more than a sinister temptation from the devil to feel like myself again only to have this surprise surgery become yet again the highlight of my life.
Fast Forward to today, It's September 2015, I'm 19 years old and currently live in my mother's basement.
Dad's living on his own, which makes me feel like such a horrible person for not being there to take care of him.
My first day of school was today and well... it was a shitshow.
I suppose I wanted to vent out my life because for the past year and a half I feel like I have not satisfied myself. It is like I'm stuck at the age of 17, two years later, I feel so lame as I sit here in the basement. I've abandoned all of my passion at my father's house. my music, my arts, and my tranquil namasté. I gave up my life to start a new chapter here at mom's in hopes for a better future. Life man...
You know how when you're in elementary school they say "If you put your mind to it you can achieve anything", you know what that was? that was a fucking lie. you can't achieve anything, nobody can, don't get ahead of yourself. But that's what we're built on in western society... Dreams. What happens when dreams don't come true? " wahh I'm not happy I wanna kill myself ". The continent of America has a higher suicide rate than Africa. Think about that for a second. Every day kids are dying from aids and starvation, yet they're happier than you. Want to know what a dream sounds like in Africa? "I wish I won't die today". But not us! We were taught to dream. You should never give up on your dreams but let's be real, You get a dream, and if it happens then you dream again. nobody ever completed all their dreams.
Since I was a little boy all I ever wanted to do was go on stage and sing songs and play drums and the piano and guitar for people... well I did that, and now I want to be an instrument technician.
My father destroyed all of my dreams in a way.
In may of 2014 I tried to kill myself 3 times. I just went to the High-Level bridge here in Edmonton and tried to jump to my death... three times. Each time I was stopped by a wonderful soul. However the third time I reached out for help and ended up going to a mental hospital for a month.
I'm proud to say that I quit smoking cigarettes for 93 days today.
I really hope this Downtown academic institution thing works out for me.
My self esteem is so low, I have nothing to live for anymore. All of my dreams are down in the gutter. I'm so jaded.
Today I got so stressed out that I bought a pack of cigarettes and guess what? I just smoked one.
I smoked one because I have no friends; and I feel like the only way that I know how to make temporary friends is through smoking.
Today I felt like such a loser at school. All alone and miserable. Since I have literally nobody in my life anymore, I suppose cigarettes will be my companion.
I had so many friends in high school, You could say I was Mr. Popular, but you never know what you have until its gone, and... You'll never miss what you never had.
'Keep on dreaming America'
~Goodnight.