How can I be sure I'm gay if I wasn't attracted to guys when I was a teenager?

[ConfusedLGBT]

Hi, my sexuality didn't wake up until I was 14. I was a late bloomer. When I was a kid I asked boys if we could play "I touch yours, you touch mine" but none wanted to. I didn't know what gay even was until I was in 5th grade standing in line for lunch and someone went on about "fags and lesbians".

I had never been aroused my entire middle school years until the end of 8th grade. I'd say I "liked" x girl and try to hook up with her but I never really was aroused by them. But one time I saw a guy in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of his penis, and I really liked what I saw, but I couldn't conceptualize that I actually liked guys, I think? And still pursued girls.

When I watched porn I was all about the cock, and this worried me because I didn't want to be gay. The only seemingly gay person (that I knew of) at that point in my life was a guy at church and it was like he lived a double life and wasn't true to himself. I couldn't live a life like that.

As a teenager, I wasn't attracted to guys at all. Or rather, I didn't pursue them. I lived for the penis I saw in porn but could never make a move in real life.

It wasn't until late into college that I face my demons and realize that I liked men exclusively.

But my story just makes me question whether or not I really am gay. I mean, it goes against the standard narrative, that I always knew. I dated women before. Had sex with them. But I never had feelings for them, and the sex was always forced. How can I be gay? I had no interest in men as a teenager so why now? Does this mean a lot of the guy friends I had back then were probably crushes and I didn't know how to handle the emotion of it or what?

[Vermilion]

I don't know what to say. Only you can decide what you are. But what you put sounds so much like me.

[northy]

This sounds so similar to me. Apart from I think my friends are and were my friends, I hope.



As this your problems, just be who you want to be. Don't force yourself to pursue women if you don't want to, do what makes you happy. After all, that is what matters most. Only you know who you are and at best, we can make educated guesses.

[Hermes]

Ok, so you have had sex with women, but you felt like it was going through the motions rather than exciting you. You find seeing cock turns you on but what about the men attached to those cocks? Do you see other men and think you want to get with those men and have sex or have a relationship?

At the end of the day a label like gay or straight is meant to help but if you don't find such a label helpful, or if you find it too emotive, then think of it in a different way. The reality is that sexual orientation is more complicated than straight and gay, more complicated even that staright, bi and gay. Kinsey added more points with his scale, so on that scale you might define yourself as a 5, i.e. towards the gay end of the scale but ackowledging that you can function sexually with a woman. Or maybe you don't see the need to have sex with anyone, of either sex, which is asexual.

My suspicion is that you have started to think who you should pursue for a romantic relationship and you're hoping that someone else can tell you which sex of partner you should be looking for but I am not sure anyone can. In some ways this is simpler in that there are only two sexes to choose from but there are still options. You can:

1. Look for a man.
2. Look for a woman.
3. Look at both with an open mind.
4. Not bother looking at all.

Which of these do you think will bring you happiness?

[Potter696]

Reading through your post, I can't help but think that you gave yourself the answer over and over. I don't know if you are gay, that is only something only you can be certain for yourself.

Homosexuality is defined as attraction to members of the same sex. No where does it state that you have to date (or try to date) members of the same sex. No where does it state that you have to stay away from women and can never have sex with them. Sexual orientation is about what sex/gender you find attracted to naturally. It seems that you have always found yourself attracted to boys (or at the very least their penises), so just because you never dated one or was 100% sure of this from the moment you were born doesn't mean you aren't gay.

I am 17 years old, and I never learned the actual concept or term before middle school. I had always found myself interested in boys, and having crushes on them, but never did I once act on those feelings. I didn't know that being gay was accepted, let alone that it was a thing. So, I did my best to focus my crushes and feelings onto girls - and though it worked here and there, I never actually found myself attracted or happy with girls. Today, I know that I am gay, not because I have always known that I was gay, but because I have always found myself attracted to boys (label or no label). Also, I have never had a boyfriend (not once, not for a second) and still I know I'm gay. Being homosexual doesn't require dating or having sex with guys, it is just the natural feeling of attraction to guys.


I hope that helps. I am here for further discussion if you need it, have a fantastic day!

[Hudor]

Look at your situation from this perspective. Now that you're in college and almost or completely done with puberty, you can be sure, it's nothing due to the hormonal changes. By 19-20 most people are sure about their sexuality and as far as I can see you've figured it out too. You might be gay or bi but just because you haven't ever had sex with guys and have been with girls doesn't mean you're straight.

[ChaosEarthquake]

I am currently experiencing the feeling towards other guys and myself, as you had when you were a teenager. I have no idea what to do, and I am afraid to be labeled as gay, and I do not truly know if I am gay or not.

[Living For Love]

OP is banned :locked: