ObliviousCat
September 5th, 2015, 06:11 PM
WARNING: Very long post!
My mom is emotionally abusive and has been on and off for a year now. Yesterday is a prime example of her behavior. In the car, we're parked at McDonald's getting ready to eat when we talk about something and a misinterpreted tone in my voice sets her off. She starts getting upset and when she gets as upset as she was, she attacks me emotionally. Meaning she deliberately gives me panic attacks and provokes me. She is my mother and I have been in therapy for 3 years already so she knows my exact triggers. She says something to set me off, using what she knows is my second biggest trigger. I start crying as I begin to overthink and feel myself start to shake. She notices because she says, "Good. Cry." and continues on by saying it over and over and over again. Unfortunately, and I do not excuse myself for this, her emotional abuse and constant provoking results in me being verbally abusive as she says. I told her to stop but she wouldn't listen to me. I told her I hate her guts. She responded with, "Good." She continued to say more, moving on to my main trigger, which caused me to say something else that I forgot. That caused something in her to snap and she slapped me on the arm to discipline me...I figure I must have said something along the lines of, "You always fucking do this" or something with fuck or shit in it. I understand that's a form of discipline but I didn't stop and said something else which caused her to strike at me again. This time, I defended myself by grasping at her wrists or slapping her hands away. Her food fell on the floor and she hit me in the face. She then took my (barely touched) food and threw it away. So this whole situation started with emotional abuse with her being the aggressor, leading to me being verbally abusive, leading her to get physical.
She threatened to "Knock my teeth out" over my mouth and when I told her that she'd get in trouble she said she didn't care and the "system" is racist. It's part of African-American culture, apparently, to discipline their children in such a way. I don't believe her when she says African-American parents would knock the teeth out of their children in the old days but I do believe her when she says they'd wash their mouth out with soap, spank them, etc. (mainly because she told me from experience.) Spanking isn't too bad but nowadays forcing soap into your child's mouth, slapping or punching them in face, is considered child abuse. There was a time when she called me an "attention whore" when she deliberately gave me a panic attack so I said something in response and that caused her to hit me in the head with the comb she was using to do my hair. The comb broke. I told my former therapist about this when we first met and we had a 2-hour session getting a history of me. Just here merely hitting me with a comb was considered child abuse to him and put him at risk for losing his license if he didn't tell anyone...so he called DCFS. They never showed up to investigate or even wrote a report on it because I had explained to my then-therapist that her getting physical was just a one time thing.
When I try to explain to my mother why I react in such a way when I'm having an episode, she immediately accuses me of attempting to excuse myself from such behavior when I'm only trying to educate and explain to her. The thing is that she never listens to me, twists my words around if she does, and does not for the life of her want to be proven wrong. The explanation for my reaction is quite simple in my perspective but in her own point of view she feels like I'm trying to act arrogant or excuse myself because of my illness. I just wish she could try to listen to me or understand.
Anyway, we were supposed to go to Big Lots after McDonald's to get toys for the kitten I was supposed to get tomorrow but she cancelled and is now reconsidering getting the cat. (The cat is for emotional support and mainly something to alleviate a bit of my depression and to motivate me until we move to a bigger space to get a puppy.) Either before or after Big Lots I had planned to meet with my dad (parents are separated) at Starbucks and walk with him to Panera Bread. Unfortunately, my episode didn't want to end and I came down with a migraine. I told my mom so she took me home so I could take my medication for migraines (Excedrin). When we got in I was still hyperventilating and I threw up three times. It was very difficult for me to swallow the pills even when they were cut in half. I started experiencing heart palpitations and no matter how much cold air I got I still felt like I was burning up. This lasted for 45 minutes-1 hour.
She told me she didn't want me around so she picked up my dad from Starbucks since he had already arrived and dropped us off at his house. She came in and sat down and the three of us had a long talk that probably lasted for 1-2 hours. She said she needed a break from me and victimized herself by saying, "She verbally abused me!" I guess I did. It's not like I pressured her and that led to her being emotionally abusive. I hadn't done anything and in reality she was the aggressor in this situation.
So she left me here with my dad for the night and hilariously I did not get any sleep. His house is near infested with roaches and his bedroom (where I sleep while he sleeps out in the living room) is full of bedbugs galore. I cut myself (over the situation earlier, not the bugs..) and contemplated suicide for a while. I counted 11 bites only 1 hour in the bed and started freaking out when I kept killing newborn bed bugs and adult ones. Newborns were all over my blanket, laptop, an adult was crawling up the bed from the back, another one on the right side, on the left...I tried smashing an adult one and it wouldn't stop moving until the third smash. I'm not a bug person so I started crying and left the bed. With my luck, I see two huge roaches on the wall and I'm trapped in this room. My dad made it clear that he sleeps in the living room and I sleep in the room. It sounds stupid, childish, and wimpy of me but I was literally in the corner shaking and crying hoping a roach wouldn't fall near or on me from the ceiling. Roaches are a huge deal for me. It didn't help that earlier that day I had walked into the kitchen of his house only to find a huge group of baby and adult roaches all together. When I stepped near them, they all sprawled out. It creeps me out and scares me to no end. I did not sleep at all last night. It's now 3:58 PM and I still haven't gone to sleep. This morning I was supposed to volunteer at a shelter holding an adoption fair and I couldn't make it because I hadn't been able to sleep in such a condition.
I told my mom about it and her only response was, "You can come home tonight."
Well, okay. That's great. Unfortunately, she had me haul over my duffle bag and I am 100% sure I will be bringing home bed bugs and maybe even some roaches tonight, too. I'm so stressed out over this.
The only good thing was that my (long-distance) boyfriend was here with me from the time I woke up yesterday to the time he fell asleep (he stayed up with me even though he had to get up in the morning today. He's in Australia btw so time difference.) We usually talk all day anyway but yesterday was a bit different and more important to me. I would say another good thing is that today my dad ordered pizza and my mom is picking me up sometime tonight. :) Hopefully I will still be getting the cat..
My mom is emotionally abusive and has been on and off for a year now. Yesterday is a prime example of her behavior. In the car, we're parked at McDonald's getting ready to eat when we talk about something and a misinterpreted tone in my voice sets her off. She starts getting upset and when she gets as upset as she was, she attacks me emotionally. Meaning she deliberately gives me panic attacks and provokes me. She is my mother and I have been in therapy for 3 years already so she knows my exact triggers. She says something to set me off, using what she knows is my second biggest trigger. I start crying as I begin to overthink and feel myself start to shake. She notices because she says, "Good. Cry." and continues on by saying it over and over and over again. Unfortunately, and I do not excuse myself for this, her emotional abuse and constant provoking results in me being verbally abusive as she says. I told her to stop but she wouldn't listen to me. I told her I hate her guts. She responded with, "Good." She continued to say more, moving on to my main trigger, which caused me to say something else that I forgot. That caused something in her to snap and she slapped me on the arm to discipline me...I figure I must have said something along the lines of, "You always fucking do this" or something with fuck or shit in it. I understand that's a form of discipline but I didn't stop and said something else which caused her to strike at me again. This time, I defended myself by grasping at her wrists or slapping her hands away. Her food fell on the floor and she hit me in the face. She then took my (barely touched) food and threw it away. So this whole situation started with emotional abuse with her being the aggressor, leading to me being verbally abusive, leading her to get physical.
She threatened to "Knock my teeth out" over my mouth and when I told her that she'd get in trouble she said she didn't care and the "system" is racist. It's part of African-American culture, apparently, to discipline their children in such a way. I don't believe her when she says African-American parents would knock the teeth out of their children in the old days but I do believe her when she says they'd wash their mouth out with soap, spank them, etc. (mainly because she told me from experience.) Spanking isn't too bad but nowadays forcing soap into your child's mouth, slapping or punching them in face, is considered child abuse. There was a time when she called me an "attention whore" when she deliberately gave me a panic attack so I said something in response and that caused her to hit me in the head with the comb she was using to do my hair. The comb broke. I told my former therapist about this when we first met and we had a 2-hour session getting a history of me. Just here merely hitting me with a comb was considered child abuse to him and put him at risk for losing his license if he didn't tell anyone...so he called DCFS. They never showed up to investigate or even wrote a report on it because I had explained to my then-therapist that her getting physical was just a one time thing.
When I try to explain to my mother why I react in such a way when I'm having an episode, she immediately accuses me of attempting to excuse myself from such behavior when I'm only trying to educate and explain to her. The thing is that she never listens to me, twists my words around if she does, and does not for the life of her want to be proven wrong. The explanation for my reaction is quite simple in my perspective but in her own point of view she feels like I'm trying to act arrogant or excuse myself because of my illness. I just wish she could try to listen to me or understand.
Anyway, we were supposed to go to Big Lots after McDonald's to get toys for the kitten I was supposed to get tomorrow but she cancelled and is now reconsidering getting the cat. (The cat is for emotional support and mainly something to alleviate a bit of my depression and to motivate me until we move to a bigger space to get a puppy.) Either before or after Big Lots I had planned to meet with my dad (parents are separated) at Starbucks and walk with him to Panera Bread. Unfortunately, my episode didn't want to end and I came down with a migraine. I told my mom so she took me home so I could take my medication for migraines (Excedrin). When we got in I was still hyperventilating and I threw up three times. It was very difficult for me to swallow the pills even when they were cut in half. I started experiencing heart palpitations and no matter how much cold air I got I still felt like I was burning up. This lasted for 45 minutes-1 hour.
She told me she didn't want me around so she picked up my dad from Starbucks since he had already arrived and dropped us off at his house. She came in and sat down and the three of us had a long talk that probably lasted for 1-2 hours. She said she needed a break from me and victimized herself by saying, "She verbally abused me!" I guess I did. It's not like I pressured her and that led to her being emotionally abusive. I hadn't done anything and in reality she was the aggressor in this situation.
So she left me here with my dad for the night and hilariously I did not get any sleep. His house is near infested with roaches and his bedroom (where I sleep while he sleeps out in the living room) is full of bedbugs galore. I cut myself (over the situation earlier, not the bugs..) and contemplated suicide for a while. I counted 11 bites only 1 hour in the bed and started freaking out when I kept killing newborn bed bugs and adult ones. Newborns were all over my blanket, laptop, an adult was crawling up the bed from the back, another one on the right side, on the left...I tried smashing an adult one and it wouldn't stop moving until the third smash. I'm not a bug person so I started crying and left the bed. With my luck, I see two huge roaches on the wall and I'm trapped in this room. My dad made it clear that he sleeps in the living room and I sleep in the room. It sounds stupid, childish, and wimpy of me but I was literally in the corner shaking and crying hoping a roach wouldn't fall near or on me from the ceiling. Roaches are a huge deal for me. It didn't help that earlier that day I had walked into the kitchen of his house only to find a huge group of baby and adult roaches all together. When I stepped near them, they all sprawled out. It creeps me out and scares me to no end. I did not sleep at all last night. It's now 3:58 PM and I still haven't gone to sleep. This morning I was supposed to volunteer at a shelter holding an adoption fair and I couldn't make it because I hadn't been able to sleep in such a condition.
I told my mom about it and her only response was, "You can come home tonight."
Well, okay. That's great. Unfortunately, she had me haul over my duffle bag and I am 100% sure I will be bringing home bed bugs and maybe even some roaches tonight, too. I'm so stressed out over this.
The only good thing was that my (long-distance) boyfriend was here with me from the time I woke up yesterday to the time he fell asleep (he stayed up with me even though he had to get up in the morning today. He's in Australia btw so time difference.) We usually talk all day anyway but yesterday was a bit different and more important to me. I would say another good thing is that today my dad ordered pizza and my mom is picking me up sometime tonight. :) Hopefully I will still be getting the cat..