Advice

[Arantor]

I've been dating this girl for a bit over 6 months. She's an amazing girl and I truly love her to death. However, she has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety that stems from PTSD she had after a bad car accident a few years ago.

Anyway, recently her depression has been worsening and I could tell. We were barely having sex and i was kind of an ass about it, not realizing the reason she wasn't in the mood was because of her condition flaring up. So, the other day she texts me saying she's going to talk to someone, but thinks we should break up for now because she's not okay to be in a relationship. She said she needs to get her depression and anxiety under control and that she wasn't saying we were breaking up forever, just for now because she does care about me and she see's a future with me.

She also said things like she wasn't happy with herself anymore, so how can she love me when she can't even love myself. After this conversation we didn't text for 2 days. Then she said she wants to meet up and talk about everything. At this meeting, she basically told me that her depression has been worse and that she feels like she cant give me the same kind of love i give her right now, so she wants to take a break so she can figure it out and then get back together. She said she does see a future with me, and she apologized profusely for not wanting to see each other for awhile. She was also crying during this ordeal. She compared a few of our friends and said 'Look at how many time so and so have broken up - they get back together, it's just time apart'.

At the end of it when i dropped her back at her car, i told her i didn't want to sit around wondering if I'd ever see her again. She said not worry, that I would. We then hugged and she got out of the car (still crying). This is the hardest moment I think I've ever faced. I love her, I really do. All this seems to come out of nowhere - just a few days ago, we were saying we loved each other 5 times a day and sleeping together every night. Now she wants to not see me? I don't know what to do, a part of me just completely cut off contact and see what happens (she said she wants to keep talking).

I also however feel a need to confirm whether this is a break or a breakup - obviously if this is just a break for her to figure out her condition, I would expect that neither of us see other people. How should I handle this? Should I cut off contact and allow her to decide if she misses me?

I'm terrified that she is going to see someone else or decide she likes the freedom of no relationship, even if she is taking a break for a legitimate reason with the intention of getting back together. I don't have many other people in my life, and now I face losing what meant most to me and that truly makes me sadder than anything I've felt before.

[SkyClad33605]

I think you should give her some space.

As hard as it is you need to respect her wishes. I know that can hurt, and she may chose life without you, but that's her choice. She has some things she needs to work through and sometimes people need to work on those things alone, in their own space.

If you try to hold on to her too tightly she will slip away.

As hard as it is, keep your distance, respect her wishes, let her set the pace for your interactions.

Her recovery is about her. Do not inject yourself into her recover. That's not what she needs.

You'll get through this.

[Arantor]

Thanks for the quick reply. That's probably sound advice. My biggest fear is just being alone because, as I said, I don't have that many people that I care about in my life.

It's sad because we were talking about moving in together and everything. Everything was great. My family loved her, hers loved me. In fact we both went on vacations with each others family just this summer. I haven't been around things like depression much in my life so I think not understanding it well is adding to the difficulty.

Earlier I sent her kind of a desperate message about whether she meant it when she said she sees a future and if she thinks this will be a forever breakup. I regret sending it; I think starting now I'm just going to give her space and make myself scarce. Like you said, it's out of my hands. Maybe she'll realize what she gave up, maybe she won't.

This whole thing just scares the hell out of me. I went from being genuinely happy in a relationship with someone i thought I would be with for a long long time, and in just a matter of days I'm sitting drunk in my apartment without her. Thank you for your kind words, though, I'm glad I remembered about this site. Hard to believe I made my account on here over 5 years ago.

[SkyClad33605]

Your fear of loneliness is valid. But you need to work on that without her. She has many problems to take care of without you adding to them.

Take this time to explore yourself as well.

[Arantor]

A lot of things you read on the internet say that when you're taking time apart, the best thing is to just ignore the other person. Then, they either realize they want to be with you and make that known, or they don't and you already have a head start on getting over it.

I do agree with the logic and I wish I could easily ignore her, I'm not really good at ignoring her, so it would be hard for me but maybe that is best?

On the other hand, she does have a mental illness.. so maybe continuing to communicate with her but strictly when she contacts me and at her pace is best? I do believe that she truly cares for me, and does want something with me. In other words, I am holding on to an ounce of hope that she'll realize she wants this.

After all, she isn't the type of girl to say things like she loves me or sees a future without meaning it.

[Arantor]

An update:

I'm feeling a bit more calm and less desperate about the whole thing today. We haven't spoken at all today.

I'm going to wait until she reaches out - and do everything at her speed since she is the one trying to figure things out with her depression and everything. If she messages me within the next couple days, I think I might wait on replying for a few days.

I don't want to reply while I'm still emotionally charged and risk making things worse. Im coming to terms with the fact that all I can do is wait and let her figure it out. I can hope that she decides me being in her life is what she wants, but ultimately that's her decision and all I can do is remain calm and accept.

[DoodleSnap]

An update:

I'm feeling a bit more calm and less desperate about the whole thing today. We haven't spoken at all today.

I'm going to wait until she reaches out - and do everything at her speed since she is the one trying to figure things out with her depression and everything. If she messages me within the next couple days, I think I might wait on replying for a few days.

I don't want to reply while I'm still emotionally charged and risk making things worse. Im coming to terms with the fact that all I can do is wait and let her figure it out. I can hope that she decides me being in her life is what she wants, but ultimately that's her decision and all I can do is remain calm and accept.
That's a good idea. She asked for space, so I think the best thing that you can do is to oblige. Just remember that every good relationship is based on communication, so speak to her if you are confused, or something bothers you.
Good luck, and I hope it all goes well.

[Arantor]

Thanks friend

We haven't spoken since Tuesday. Like I said, I'm waiting until she reaches out and then I think I'll keep communication going at the pace she sets. Im pretty calm about the whole thing now.

I've taken time to read a lot into depression and anxiety to try to help me understand how she's feeling, so that's kind of helped. Also by researching it and learning about it, I hope to show her I'm willing to put the effort in to learn how to better be there for her and help her cope with it.

[ClaraWho]

Seriously?

Firstly, you've only been together 6 months!!! That's NOTHING in the adult world. 6 months is a drop in the ocean, and certainly not the time to be making grandeous plans for living together. Also take with a grain of salt all that has been said, you were after all having sex with a girl in a vulnerable condition.

The fact you didn't pick up for so long that anything was wrong with her, would hint you aren't really paying that much attention to her feelings. And to ramble about sex when discussing a loved one having a major trauma? It's easy to fall into a rut of 'sweet nothings' and sex without actually having discussions on life outside of those acts.

You clearly have some issues yourself regarding attachment and trust. Your entire reaction to her relatively mature approach has been the complete opposite. She has major depression and PTSD. That means she is terrified. Terrified of the triggers, terrified of her thoughts. The last thing she needs is for you to turn this into the apocalypse, to give her ultimatums and be completely and utterly self obsessed with your own wants.

If she reaches out for you, be there instantly. Not in a smothering OTT way, not cold and indifferent, but treat her like you would a close friend. Reply when she messages, send her an occasional text. She'll be worried you won't wait for her. Tell her about your day, ask about hers. You aren't trying to 'get her back', just soothe her anxiety and SHOW YOU ARE THERE FOR HER.

Depression is episodic, it isn't life-long. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain's chemistry that causes obsessive rumination on negative thoughts blown out of reasonable perspective. Symptoms are literally immobilising and can escalate to self-harm or attemtped suicide. This is a serious illness and hopefully she is able to access the counselling help she needs.

My point is, your 6 month relationship which may or may not turn in to a married commitment, is NOT her priority right now when she is constantly scared for her life.

I'm concerned you turned to getting drunk alone as a response to being afraid :/, wouldn't it be better to be sober and strong for her? That's a very unhealthy coping mechanism to turn into a habit. Again, use this time to work through your own demons, so you can be better if not for her, then for yourself.

I know this is harsh, but I hope it helps. I've a vast deal of experience around individuals in these circumstances unfortunately.

~ Clara

[Arantor]

6 months is quick in the grand scheme of things, of course, but we're not 14 year olds. We're both just under 20. So I don't think theres a specified time for making 'grandeous' plans. :p

But on the point about me not realizing - you're right. Honestly, I don't think its that I don't pay attention or that I don't care, it's my lack of experience around depression. I haven't experienced and I haven't been around people who have had it much. I never realized just how debilitating it could be until the past few days when I have reading up on it, which I certainly should have done prior to this point.

One thing i haven't mentioned, she is on some kind of anxiety/depression medication. I'm not sure what it's called, but when she first went on she talked to me about it gave me a heads of some of the possible side effects.

On me having issues myself - you're also right. I absolutely have my vices. I mean I was a jerk about the whole sex thing in a big way. I made her feel like she wasn't giving me enough, which is pretty awful.

About her access to counselling - yes, her parents are extremely supportive of her so I take comfort in knowing they will help her find the help she needs.

You raise a lot of good points, and I don't take offense to the harsh reality of things. Just know that, now that I've calmed down about the whole thing, I am taking an objective look at myself and I do see clearly that I'm flawed. I have honestly considered the fact that maybe i myself suffer from some kind of anxiety as it relates to trust. I'm always worried about her finding someone else (perhaps a self-esteem issue) or cheating. I am working on myself and if your read my last post in this thread, I am putting an effort into learning how i can support her instead of work against her.

Don't be concerned for me. I only drank that night (that was same day we met and talked btw). I regretted it. I knew it was a shitty way to cope but I justified it by saying it was the only way I'd sleep at night. Like I said earlier, we all have our vices and unfortunately substance abuse is another one of mine. I almost always turn to weed, alcohol and tobacco in times of crisis.

Thank you for your advice, honestly. Sometimes the harsh truth is what people to hear and you've definitely helped me open my own eyes to the face I see in the mirror.

[Arantor]

A new update:

Its starting to sink in that maybe it's over for good. The first time I heard from her in 4 days was this morning - she messaged me to tell me she had my things that were at her place packed and that we could either meet up or I could drop by. I responded with hey, its nice to hear from you, ive been missing you.

She simply said "let me know what hou wanna do" . Ice cold. Anyway, I have realized I've been shitty about dealing with her depression and everything, so I let her know that I know i wasn't sensitive enough about and did nothing to help. I told her I've been reading up a lot about depression and anxiety (which i have) and that Im willing to put in the effort to learn how to help and be there for her rather than make it worse. At the end of the exceptionally long message, i just told her I hoped she was doing okay.

She hasn't responded yet, but she did work today so. I fear it may too late. I'm kind of past the stage of greiving, but she does mean the world to me and I would do anything to fix things.

:(

[Arantor]

And today she removed our relationship thingy on Facebook. I mean, I guess that's my answer - it must be over for good?

I'm really confused because when we talked, she said more than once things like 'couples get back together all the time, its not forever'. She even said 'Look at so and so, they've broken up like 5 times'. She told me it wasn't anything I did and that she just needed to get a handle on her depression.

But now.. she has barely spoken to me since then? I thought that might have just been because I kept bringing it up, but it she hasn't made any effort reach out. Then I remember depression is episodic and that maybe it will all blow over. This is a tough spot to be in, very confusing.

Any outside perspective that may be able to help me understand?

Edit: Actually, her mom just messaged me on facebook. She was asking about something I had ordered online for her, but then she said they missed us out there. She told me that she's done the first step and gotten an appointment to talk to someone, which her mom said she was going to her with to help her. Then she told me she 'had my back' and that she was doing what she can to help me out, and that taking a break will hopefully be good for us because her daughter has a lot to work out.

Basically she just said she hopes we can work it out. She said that her daughter told her she didn't want it to be forever but just had to figure everything out. Then she just told me we'll talk soon and to message her if I ever need something. So that made me feel better, knowing that her mom wants to help and that she doesn't think that she wants this 'break' to be forever' either.