Self Preservation

[Nathan32]

So today in terms of depression I have hit an all time low, and it's killing me. I don't feel alive, I havn't for a long time. I want to die, honestly it would be a gift but I can't I have such a strong sense of self preservation that won't even let me self harm anymore, I can't live like this, mentally i'm trapped, and physically it's even worse. My mind won't stop, the depression is always here and I can't do anything to stop it, drinking doesn't help, nothings enjoyable, I hate people, I hate myself and it's not like I can't kill myself because of others, I don't care who would be sad if I died, I wouldn't be around to care but I can't do it I stand on a bridge, I can't jump, I try to cut but I can't anymore what's wrong with me?

[Tesserax]

Nothing's wrong with you. You're having a hard time, and you're finding it hard to get yourself out. I know it will be hard, but you have to do something that you might not like. Start thinking positive. I know you've probably heard this a million times before, and I know how hard it is. I know as you're reading this, there's probably a little voice in your head that says "Ugh not another one of these guys, this is pointless, useless, stupid and it doesn't work". This is the dark side of you. This is the guy that's in control of you right now, he's the reason you want to die and end everything. I know this very well. I was only lucky to have realized this, and I quickly used this fact to help me fight him. I "resurrected" my good side as an imaginary friend for awhile who I called "Fenix", and now he is in control, but nameless, because he is me. He is the good side of me. And there's a good side of you too, I know it. He's hidden deep inside, struggling against the other side, and he's the reason why you can't bring yourself to end it all.

As I said earlier, there's nothing wrong with you, there's just a conflict inside your head and the bad side is winning. So you have to make the conscious decision to choose the good side, to support him and fight back against the dark side. He may be able to take control and win now, but he can't take on two of you at once, especially the one that is in control of the body he resides in. I know this sounds insane, but you must separate these to entities, distinguish the good and bad side. It's sometimes obvious what the bad thoughts are and good thoughts are, but sometimes it's subtle like "She's a bitch anyway" about a friend who said she was too busy to come hang out. This is the negativity acting as false positivity. You must tell it to shut up, you have to consciously tell it to stop, and consciously force it out of your thoughts, filling your mind with good thoughts. Every time you think something negative say NO! and try to keep sight of the good things, like the fact that your friend is a good person and had to visit her dying grandma, for example.

Anyway, all in all, force yourself to be positive, it's the only way to claw yourself out of this hellhole, and it will be hard but you must do it.

Good luck to you soldier, have a great day. I will see you on the other side.