Should I contact my dad?

[Pat the Bunny]

Yesterday my sister told me that my dad (not her dad though) found her facebook and that he felt guilty for not being there in my life (He lives in a different country. I don't remember the last time I saw him). My sister said if I wanted to talk to him, but i don't really know. I'm not mad at him, I don't have anything against him, but I just don't know what I have to say to him. I barely know anything about him.

Should I do it VT?

[Abhorrence]

This is a really personal thing to you that you need to ultimately make your own mind up on. I think that maybe you should give him a chance but don't take any shit from him, he's the one in the wrong for being away for so long and if he's a negative influence at all to you then I'd break off communication immediately.

[Croconaw]

Just give him a chance. You may regret not taking this opportunity later on. I think you should talk to him.

[Pat the Bunny]

Thank you both. I ended up saying yes, so I'll probably talk to him later now. Also my sister told me he actually has two sons now, which means I have 2 little brothers I didn't know of :)

[Andre 99]

hopefully you will be able to patch things up between you.
maybe he had a good reason for not being there, maybe not.
good luck!

[wolf g]

if you like or no he is your dad talk to him and every thing will be okay

[Freckles]

The only thing I would worry about is your feelings if you develope a relationship with him and never get to see him. Was it his choice not to see you or your mother's? If I never knew my dad I would be curious to learn more about him and possibly have him in my life.

[AutumnWinds]

if it were me i'd do it.

but it's not me, it's you. and this is something really important. only you know what's right. if you truly don't have anything against him i'd go for it. you can't get the time you spend away from him back and you might end up at a point where you realize you really wish you had a relationship with your dad.

but again, this is all up to you. i'm biased because i have the best dad in the world. i literally don't think i've ever fought with him so consider that my opinion if coming from someone with a very different relationship.

Yesterday my sister told me that my dad (not her dad though) found her facebook and that he felt guilty for not being there in my life (He lives in a different country. I don't remember the last time I saw him). My sister said if I wanted to talk to him, but i don't really know. I'm not mad at him, I don't have anything against him, but I just don't know what I have to say to him. I barely know anything about him.

Should I do it VT?

[Vermilion]

Yesterday my sister told me that my dad (not her dad though) found her facebook and that he felt guilty for not being there in my life (He lives in a different country. I don't remember the last time I saw him). My sister said if I wanted to talk to him, but i don't really know. I'm not mad at him, I don't have anything against him, but I just don't know what I have to say to him. I barely know anything about him.

Should I do it VT?

You said you have nothing against him so I think you should talk

[jennyem]

its a very personal choice for you but its entirely your right to contact your dad if you want to! I don't see how it could be a bad thing for you. obviously dont forget the fact that he wasnt there in the past...but he could be there in the future

[Cadanance00]

How well I understand. I only found a couple of weeks ago my dad is not my biological father and I know who is. I've met him several times as he's a friend of mom's. Dad and mom say he's expecting me to call someday when I found out but I have no idea what to say to him so I don't want to call him yet. Also, he's married now and has two girls about 4 and 6 so I now know they're my half-sisters.

I'm not angry at him or anything. He's always sent me a birthday present since I was little and now I know why. I just don't know what I would talk about with him.

[EmilySmith]

Try what you are gonna loose?

[Uniquemind]

SIDENOTE: I can tell how many respondents only read an OP before responding, and not reading the entire thread as to avoid redundancy or updates to the situation from the OP.

That being said, given that you've responded "yes" I'd set some ground rules regarding if he has the authority to start telling you what to do.

Hopefully things will be fine, but be aware that absent parents sometimes overstep their boundaries when they reconnect to older biological children they abandon.

Sometimes religious views and political ones, and ones about sex-love life interests clash, and that can be awkward and can actually hurt efforts to patch things up.

Be friendly, be cautious, but set ground rules as the first conversation you have when reconnecting with AWOL parents who are returning.

[Cadanance00]

Sounds like Uniquemind has some experience with this. I'm even more hesitant to make contact now.

[Just JT]

Looks like you got some really good advise on this all around
What I think is that although you have no feelings one way or another for this to happen, I think you may really be a bit undecided, cause your asking advise.
As mentioned earlier, I'd be cautious of presumed parental opinions he MAY have over your lifestyle and decisions, and keep a foot hold
But as to make contact or not, why not, seems like you have nothing to lose and everything to gain??

[Uniquemind]

Sounds like Uniquemind has some experience with this. I'm even more hesitant to make contact now.

Don't let my style of realistic advice giving scare you off though.

I am blunt and I don't hold punches or necessarily follow political correctness or pecking order all the time.

My advice is not intended to freak people out into inaction, my advice is intended to encourage wisdom, and to soften the blow at being blindsided by life's left and right hook punches.

By all means there's an equal chance only good things can come from reconnecting with your biological dad.

Life's full of chances, take a risk on what has a chance to be most rewarding.

Just brace yourself for the worst, make a game plan for it, and be pleasantly surprised and even joyful if you never have to use it.

Also I've found that having a plan in place for all types of scenarios helps self-esteem and provides a good emotional sense of control and comfort.

For me it helps me fight anxiety, so that's why my style of advice is what it is.

I still endorse you going to meet your dad because there's nothing really to lose.

---

If you want conversation ice breakers when you call him I can suggest the following:

1. Why wasn't I told sooner?

2. If your my biological father, then who is my biological paternal grandfather and grandmother?

3. Are there any hereditary or health diseases/allergies/cancers that run on his side of the family that you have a chance of having or passing onto children if you choose to have any someday? (This question is a very important one to ask, and I guarantee he will be caught off guard by the question).


During such reconnecting I highly suggest doing an ancestral family project to increase or foster any bond that could develop.



So there we go I've offered both pessimistic and optimistic advice now. I hope I didn't crush your sense of hope and wonder.

[Cadanance00]

Uniquemind:

I don't mean to take the thread away from the OP but thanks for taking the time for your reply.

Dad talked to me for a long time and answered some of those questions. and a lot more. I've been writing the events of that day on my blog.

I would like to talk to other people who found out they were 'donor' babies and how they feel about it and whether they contacted the Bio parent and what happened when they did'

I'm not afraid of what will happen, I just don't know what to talk about. I'm a little shy so I know it's going to be AWKWARD!

[Pat the Bunny]

I just wanted to thank all you people for responding. and apologize because this post made it seem a whole lot more dramatic and important as it actually is. I hold no grudges against him for anything, and from what I know about him he was a very nice person. My mom and him didn't have a big fight or something, but he lived in another country and didn't want to move. My life is perfectly fine, and that's why I didn't know if I should do it, because I was already happy. Still, I'm really thankful for all your replies, and I'll keep them all in mind.