Break-up

[Fiction]

How on earth do you deal with a break-up?

I am not coping at all well at the moment. I had been with my boyfriend 3 and a half years and even lived with him for the last year and now I have nothing.

I moved all the way to London to be with him when he wanted to move to start a course, and I started my own university course which it would be stupid for me not to finish now, but because I lived with him i'm totally homeless.

Everyone I know has their places totally sorted so i'm having to look for somewhere completely by myself- i'm looking at the prospect of moving in with people i've never met, which i've done before but not when i've needed so much emotional support.

I've even looked at transferring to universities closer to my parents but there doesn't seem to be any that accept transfers.

I feel absolutely devastated at the moment. I can't even hold down drinks I just keep being sick.

I don't know what to do or how to cope.

[Waleedbt]

Wow that sucks!
I cant imagine how hard it is to end everything after such a long period.
But even so, he didnt offer you to stay at his place until you are able to be on your feet again? If not id be absolutly shocked.
Try to find a place, as you said with people and if that is hard, then id say try to get a dorm room.

This honestly shocked me when i was reading it, im very sorry this happened to you, you seem like such a loving and caring person and doesnt deserve what is going on.
I really hope everything becomes okay. Dropping everything for someone is a huge risk, all i could say its a lesson learnt :(

[Nav-Man]

Friends. You should have some. Ask them.

[jennyem]

There's no easy way...only time will heal. Always good to distract yourself with your friends and getting out there meeting new guys. You quickly realise how many fish there are in the sea!

[Abhorrence]

Do not post comments that are not helpful to the OP. Posts have been deleted.

[Fiction]

Our contract on our current place runs out in September, so we are both homeless.

I've been spending a lot of time with friends but nothing is making me feel that much better. I thought he might come back in a couple of days when he realised what he'd thrown away- but he rang me last night to tell me he feels like he's made the right decision for him.

I'm trying not to be angry. He said he wanted to be friends but is then being really off with me when we talk.

[Jean Poutine]

Being angry after a breakup is perfectly normal. It's one of the steps you have to overcome to truly get over it. So I say let it flow. Find a constructive outlet for it. Sports?

Unlike many others I never felt that being around with friends and other people was particularly helpful to get over breakups. For me, it worked better to pour my grief into something constructive. Learning an instrument, a language (I learned Esperanto during my latest breakup), learning about anything really. Or maybe something that uses your hands, like models. When I was getting over a breakup, other people (especially couples) just annoyed me. So, I just shut myself in my bedroom for a few months and did these things I talked about. I generally just went out for school and judo. When I started acting normally again I was completely fine and had a few new skills and hobbies to boot.

I also think staying friends with an ex, especially during the hard phase, is more or less a waste of time. All it does is slow the healing process and it doesn't bring you anything you actually need. I tried it for my first breakup and I didn't start feeling better until all links were cut. On subsequent breakups I was smarter and simply cut all links straight away. If you really want to stay friends with an ex you have to take a few months for yourself first. Only after you're over the breakup should you see if you want to maintain friendly links. For my part, I never particularly did. I'm civil with them but no more than that. Once in a great while we'll send each other news. That's it.

So I recommend not answering if he calls, not writing back if he messages, if you want to be polite you can ask him not to contact you anymore. It'll make it much easier to heal and get over it. In a few months you can see if "staying friends" is something you actually want. Especially when the breaker proposes it to the breakee, it's more likely the breakee will say yes just to keep the breaker around in some fashion after being dumped. But in the end it's often something the breakee doesn't actually want. I don't know many people who are truly friends with their exes. I know people who are civil with them, like me. I even know some who will hang once in a while. But really, truly friends? That's much rarer.

In regards to a place to stay, have you checked if there are available dormrooms at uni? It's pretty rare but it can happen that a few dorms are unoccupied, even so late in the summer. If not, then often there are rooms available in shared flats and that kind of place. I had to move in with strangers too when I left my parents' home. It's actually not so bad. It's weird at first but you get used to it. They never bothered me with anything, when we knew each other better we'd sometimes go out together. That's it. Just be sure to find clean people, otherwise it can be a nightmare. And find a room with a keylock. If there is none then have one installed and be sure you and only you have the key.

[Uniquemind]

You may not want to hear this but you guys may need to be civil with each other and at least be roommates and contribute to the rent until both of you guys can get out of there.

I'm a bit on the fringe for saying this but this is why I don't support moving in without a firm commitment of marriage. At least in a marriage and divorce financial assets are divided up so both parties can part with some resources to move on.

This is a really hard situation.

The other thing I could offer is drop out.

If emotionally you are so shaken that it runs risk of you screwing up your educational track you should get out now, get your self together and then come back to it.