Why can't I have a real relationship?

[Dalcourt]

I got dumped this weekend by my boyfriend....and this makes me wonder once more why I can't have a real relationship.

I hook up with a guy, he has fun with me means where having sex or I at least give him a blowjob...we meet a few times afterwards and then they are gone.

So what's wrong with me? Do they just see me as a ho? Do I make it to easy for em?

I just want someone showing me a tiny bit of respect and wanting to be with me.
it is really depressing

[ozymandias98]

I hook up with a guy, he has fun with me means where having sex or I at least give him a blowjob...we meet a few times afterwards and then they are gone.

From the sounds of that, it seems like you're very easily moving in to do sexual things rather than letting a relationship build first and then doing it? I could be way off there but that's just my interpretation of that.

If I'm right in assuming that then you should try building a relationship emotionally first rather than physically.

[Dalcourt]

From the sounds of that, it seems like you're very easily moving in to do sexual things rather than letting a relationship build first and then doing it? I could be way off there but that's just my interpretation of that.

If I'm right in assuming that then you should try building a relationship emotionally first rather than physically.

Yeah, but problem is I dunno how to build a relationship emotionally...those guys who want to be with me seem only be interested in the physical side and I dunno how to find someone else cuz obviously I only attract that group of guys.

[ImCoolBeans]

I don't think they're all using you. I think a lot of it has to do with the age we're at. I'm a few years older than you, but I also have a hard time finding a serious relationship because most guys around this age just aren't into that. I don't think you're only attracting sleazy guys or people who want to use you, I think it's just difficult to find a decent guy who is ready to settle into a serious relationship when you're around our age. I know plenty of people who have this problem too -- people who I think are very attractive and should be able to find a boyfriend anywhere they go. You're not alone.

[Jean Poutine]

We are a confused generation. We demand respect yet automatic "respect" is incredibly shallow and mostly self-serving. True respect is earned, not freely given. The first step to earning the respect of others is respecting yourself.

Despite all the progressive rhetoric, respect is intimately linked to how a person acts. There is no "right" to be respected. The sexual revolution had the clear consequence of shifting the status of humans from living beings to mere commodities, like a ball or a video game, commodities meant to have fun. They are to be used and discarded once you've beat the game or it is no longer fun. It also muddles the nature of durable relationships and creates people like you, who confuse love with sexual desire and think the two are equivalent or near enough. As one part of self-respect is temperance, it is hard for many to respect someone who clearly doesn't respect him/herself.

In other words, you can't behave like an object and expect not to be dealt with like one. That's a harsh way to put it but them's the breaks; and I'm a harsh person. Don't think I'm putting all the blame on you either - it rests solely on the social climate surrounding us, that shapes us into who we are. It rests with those who push this climate on us.

We've became addicted to novelty and overstimulation, so we're never happy with who we are, what and who we've got. We don't sit back with what we already have and create deep connections with these things or people. We don't learn to appreciate everything about them. That's why we seemingly can't seem to have the relationships our grandparents or great-grandparents had. Personally, I think they had a much better life than us, despite all our comforts.

Anyway, you can't have your cake and eat it too; you can't acquiesce to letting people have their fun with you then expect they'll stick around if that's all you're offering them. Fun things, especially the physical kind, eventually become boring, but having an intimate emotional link with someone never does. It's one of the few things that resist the craving for constant novelty, and some would say that is exactly why the sexual revolution happened : destruction of the nuclear family and all that.

It's kind of like riding a bike; if it's a Bixi (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bixi_Montreal) bike then obviously you can't feel attached to it, and if it breaks down or becomes boring or hard to ride then you'll just leave it at the station and pick another, or ride the bus instead because you'll think bikes aren't worth it. However, if you buy a good bike, choose one tailored to you, take the time to learn about its parts and learn what makes it tick and how to repair it, not only will you not get bored with it as easily, you'll actually look forward to riding it around all the time, and when it becomes capricious you'll know how to make it go around better. In time it'll become a part of you just like your legs or arms and you'll never want to let it go. Plus, it'll always ride better than a Bixi bike, always will go faster, always will be more flexible in regards to the terrain it can cross and it will take you absolutely wherever you need to go.

If you want someone to stick around, then you'll have to create emotional links with people (as I did with my bike). You say you "don't know how" but the truth is it comes naturally. It's quite more likely that you're simply not letting yourself do so. I have alexithymia, I don't know what I emotionally feel 95% of the time or why I feel like that, yet the first time I felt love I knew straight away what it was and why I felt it. You just have to give yourself a chance, and I'm aware that's a huge cliché and easier said than done. Consider therapy, or not. Anything that'd help you get over your blockage.

Sex is meant to improve what is already there, not to create something out of thin air. It's meant to be something you do with someone you really like, something only you two can do together. In other words, it's meant to be special, but it only is if there's something there beforehand.

Respect yourself. Evidently you know what you want, so wait until you get it and find out how to let yourself enjoy it. Find a good bike then ride it to Hell and back, and don't let other people treat you like a Bixi bike. Give respect to yourself and you'll come to notice other people will respect you in turn and you'll stop attracting those who'd take you for a short ride then ditch you.