Confused about my gender

[Cygnus X-1]

Let me start by apologizing for how long this is, and how poorly typed it is. I'm just really nervous for some reason.

So for the past few weeks, I've been pretty confused about my gender. Ever since I could dress myself (four or five) I've always dressed like a guy. A few months ago, I got my hair cut into a hawk, so I tried wearing more feminine clothes to look somewhat like a girl (mostly for my mom and grandmother), but it felt really odd and uncomfortable. And I've always seen myself in a suit when I think of being invited to a wedding or some sort of formal event. Now, I know the clothes you wear doesn't mean you're trans or anything, but it's really got me thinking. I remember when I was way younger my mom told me that I'd never have big muscles like my dad and I felt disappointed. I don't have any body dysphoria, but having a flatter chest would be nice, bigger muscles would be nice, having no hips or curves would be awesome. I've also thought about peeing while standing up (I was around the age of four and five, again), never have tried though.

I used to be mistaken for a boy when I was younger and felt embarrassed, but not for me, for my family (mainly my grandmother who freaked out about it). I was called a he the other day and felt fine and somewhat surprised (family wasn't around this time).

I've also never wanted to look like another girl, which is a common thing for girls my age apparently. But I've looked at a guy before and thought "I wish I looked more liked him". I've also started to grow out my arm and leg hair as an experiment to see how it feels.

I've cried over thinking like this. I guess I feel like I've let my family and my mom down, even though she doesn't know of my questioning. And I don't know how she would react, but I have a feeling she would react positively. My grandmother wouldn't though.

So should I see a gender therapist? If so how should I tell my mom? Is this just a phase that'll pass? Am I overreacting? Am I losing my mind?

Also, I've already picked a new name if I am actually trans. Is that odd?

[Zachary G]

I dont think there would be any harm in seeing a therapist that specializes in gender identity disorder, at least youd be bale to talk with someone who has some understanding of what you are going through; before approaching your mom about it, why dont you do some research yourself and find a GID therapist then goto your mom and tell her how you have been feeling and that youd like to go see this therapist to see if they can help to figure things out.

[Desuetude]

It's not 'if you are actually trans', I mean, you're either trans or you're not and the definition of trans just means not cis. I wouldn't bother going for a gender therapist just yet if you've only been questioning yourself for a few weeks, I'd wait a couple months at least and try out different things exactly like you're doing. Maybe tell a couple people that you trust about how you feel and ask them to call you by that new name/male pronouns and see how that feels?

You're not losing your mind, a lot of people question their gender even if they keep it to themselves. Some people 'grow out of it' and these people are not trans but maybe just prefer things of the opposite sex but are comfortable in their own body/can relate to their own sex whereas other people feel uncomfortable with their body and their designated sex.

If you were to tell your mum then a letter is often a good way to go about it, just write down how you've been feeling and what you think it means, what you'd like to do about it in the future, what she would need to do to support you. Print out some factual information that might help her to understand you better.

We can't tell you whether you're trans or not but to me you dont sound cis. Whether that means you're non-binary or trans I don't know but I would do more research on it and just let yourself think about it for a couple of months before you decide on anything darastic.

If you need to talk things through with anyone then feel free to VM me or contact me. I completely understand how stressful the process of not understanding yourself is and getting through that with no support makes it even worse so I'm here if you need to vent or have someone to think it through with you :')