Pregnancy or Suicide

[MadManic]

back in December I was raped by three of my friends after I got really drunk, I thought I was finally beginning to cope but I already have problems with drugs so yesterday, a drug deal went bad and I ended up getting raped again. there's a very good chance I will end up pregnant. the thing is, my period was already two weeks late and my boyfriend and I had even concerned. so if I end up pregnant I won't be positive who the father would be without blood tests.

that being said, I already have bad PTSD from my other experience but this one was significantly more violent. I cant even begin to explain how horrible it was. I can't see myself having that guys kid. I couldn't live with it, and I couldn't live with the kind of trauma that he gave me either. the only reason I would stay alive is, if I turned out to be pregnant, if it was his child. I know I could love that one more than I have ever loved anything and I know he would stay. My boyfriend and I have already made a suicide pact. the only thing that would keep us here would be if that baby was his.

I don't know what to hope for. part of me wants to have his baby if only to give me a purpose and something to live for. Part of me wants to give up everything.

He said he wants to die with me because of I died he couldn't live without me but he still wants to stay.

i don't want to take his life. my question is: should I get pregnant with his child so he can see me live and to save him? I don't want to be here I've made up my mind, but I want him to be happy

what do I do?

[xXoblivionXx]

The smart thing to do right now is go to the ER and tell them that got raped. Take your boyfriend with you for support and once you are there you can do a blood test to see if you are pregnant if your bf's blood matches.

It seems like a really complex and personal situation, being a teenage mom -I can only imagine- is really hard but if that's the alterative to death? I dont think having a baby will solve your problems. It's up to you to do that. You know? It's kind of the harsh truth, people are there to support you but ultimately it's up to you.

Have you told anyone about you getting raped before? I think therapy would help with the PTSD.

[MadManic]

I do go to therapy and it doesn't help at all. some days it gets so bad my boyfriend can't even touch my hand without me having a panic attack.

the only reason I would have this kid is because how can you die knowing you're killing someone else that you could possibly love ? and i want my boyfriend to be happy. I'm almost 18... I know that's not any better but it has to be right?

[xXoblivionXx]

Okay.. I think I understand what you mean. If it's your bf's, you want to keep it, if it's from the rape then you'd want to take a morning after pill or something. either way, time is of the essence, if you can go to the ER with your BF.

I know what you mean, I can get triggered easily and then have a full blown panic attack because it reminds me of a past event

[MadManic]

the thing is I'm in a different state visiting my grandparents, I won't be home for another week... I don't have any time

[xXoblivionXx]

If you find out your pregnant not with your BF's baby will you abort it? I know it's controversial but I think it's important that you try and think it all though

[MadManic]

if I find out it belongs to the guy who did that to me then when I die it's going with me

[xXoblivionXx]

Jess, you don't have to do it. You don't have to have his baby. I know life probably seems shitty and pointless right now but the things that we go through, all the pain, shapes us into better wiser stronger people.

[Tyson S]

R u OK? Don't give keep fighting :) you can do it!!