Vocabulous
July 19th, 2015, 12:28 AM
Disclaimer: I don't know why I am writing this, I guess I just need to say it. I'm not looking for a way to fix how I am, it's not possible. So don't try. Thanks.
It's been a while since I've made a post here. To be frank I figured I'd never need to post here again, but unfortunately here I am. Over the past year or so, I have tried my hand in dating. I had two brief relationships, neither had more than one date, but I enjoyed them all the same. The first one was great, we had met at the beginning of the school year, became friends, etc. after texting non-stop for a month, we decided to start dating. First date went well, we saw a movie. Afterwards we continued to talk, I tried to make plans for the next date, but schedules continued to collide, or so I thought. Eventually she told me the truth, that she didn't feel the same way about me than when we first met. "You're just too distant in real life, totally different then when we talk over text" in her words. We left on good terms though, so there's that. More recently, the same thing happened. Well, not the exact same thing but I won't bore you with details. After this most recent break-up ( the reason this time being "you are a wonderful aquaintance, but a terrible boyfriend") made me look at my history of relationships and try to figure out why I suck at dating people. When I did, I found that every relationship I've been in, was ended because I can't be emotionally connected to people. Well, I can, I just suck at showing it. Even though I cared deeply for the people I dated I could never let them know how I felt, I just couldn't express it. And now, as I sit in my basement alone, typing this out, I'm just so lonely. I want to have someone that makes my heart race when I think about them, and I want them to feel the same about me. But it is a very real and terrifying possibility that that never happens.
TL;DR: cannot express emotion, life sucks.
Ok now I seriously have to stop that was way to gushy. That was seriously difficult to write, I feel like a loser. Like I almost made an alternate account for this post but then I figured that that would be the exact kind of thing the post was about so fuck it. Thanks for reading if you were able to stomach the angst. I'm sorry.
It's been a while since I've made a post here. To be frank I figured I'd never need to post here again, but unfortunately here I am. Over the past year or so, I have tried my hand in dating. I had two brief relationships, neither had more than one date, but I enjoyed them all the same. The first one was great, we had met at the beginning of the school year, became friends, etc. after texting non-stop for a month, we decided to start dating. First date went well, we saw a movie. Afterwards we continued to talk, I tried to make plans for the next date, but schedules continued to collide, or so I thought. Eventually she told me the truth, that she didn't feel the same way about me than when we first met. "You're just too distant in real life, totally different then when we talk over text" in her words. We left on good terms though, so there's that. More recently, the same thing happened. Well, not the exact same thing but I won't bore you with details. After this most recent break-up ( the reason this time being "you are a wonderful aquaintance, but a terrible boyfriend") made me look at my history of relationships and try to figure out why I suck at dating people. When I did, I found that every relationship I've been in, was ended because I can't be emotionally connected to people. Well, I can, I just suck at showing it. Even though I cared deeply for the people I dated I could never let them know how I felt, I just couldn't express it. And now, as I sit in my basement alone, typing this out, I'm just so lonely. I want to have someone that makes my heart race when I think about them, and I want them to feel the same about me. But it is a very real and terrifying possibility that that never happens.
TL;DR: cannot express emotion, life sucks.
Ok now I seriously have to stop that was way to gushy. That was seriously difficult to write, I feel like a loser. Like I almost made an alternate account for this post but then I figured that that would be the exact kind of thing the post was about so fuck it. Thanks for reading if you were able to stomach the angst. I'm sorry.