cant stop crying.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

Im crying.
and i dont know why.
i hate this,
not again.
i can even go downstairs to get a drink in front of my dad without tearing up.
and theres no reason at all
god i'm miserable.
i cant stop crying.

i hate this.
i fucking hate this.

I'm so tired of being depressed.
I'm so tired of sometimes thinking everythings finally ok, and i can fianlly breath again.
and then this stupid shit in my brain goes on and makes me sad for no fucking reason.

I dont want to deal with it anymore.
but i hate anti depressants and theripists dont stop shit from going on in my brain.

Now i'll tell you whats going to happen.
I'm going to spend the whole night awake, crying, listing reasons why i hate myself.
because thats what ends up happening when i'm sad for no reason.
I list reasons to make myself hate me, so that at least i have a reason to be sad, because having no reason is way worse.

[theOperaGhost]

:hug: You don't know what makes you cry, you just cry? That would be a horrible feeling. I'm sorry you feel that way.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Tegan, breathe. :hug: Sometimes when you can't stop crying, it's because you need to cry. It happens to me sometimes, as part of my Bipolar Disorder, and when it does happen I just have to let myself cry. I might end up being up all night, and it might end up going into the next day a bit, but I always feel better once it finally stops. It lets out a lot of pent up tension and emotion, and can help you out a bit when your brain can't find another way to get rid of it.

Don't think you don't have a "reason" to be sad because, you know what? You don't need a reason. Sometimes we're just sad, and beating ourselves up over it doesn't help. The brain is a very complex organ, and I can't explain exactly how it works, but sometimes the chemicals and hormones get a little out of whack and you end up feeling crappy, seemingly randomly. It happens to a lot of people. So don't try to hate yourself, because you're a great person. The sadness will stop, and you'll be able to breathe easy again, but if you spend right now focusing on hate, that's all you're going to feel once this is over. You'll end up talking yourself in hating yourself, and that's no fun.

I encourage you to try therapy again, with a new therapist maybe. Part of making therapy work is finding someone that you can connect with, who you're comfortable talking to and who is able to understand what you're telling them. Sometimes you have to go through a few therapists before you find one that works for you. I know the concept of being on anti-depressants isn't a fun one, but think about it. Some people have to inject themselves with insulin every day in order to stay healthy and stay alive. Some people are paralyzed and need help from other people to do everyday tasks. But they put up with it, because it makes life better for them. If it turns out that you "need" anti-depressants, it's ok. I personally will probably be on them, as well as mood stabilizers, for the rest of my life. It used to bother me, thinking that I'd always be relying on these pills in order to feel normal, but nearly 3 years after I started taking them, I've realized that my life is so much better now that I'm happier. I'd rather take a pill and lead a fulfilling life, than be pill-free and a mess.
There are a wide array of anti-depressants out there, and I'm sure if need be you can work with your doctor to find one that works for you. One that makes you happy and doesn't cause any other problems. It takes some trial and error, but it's possible to make it work.

All in all though, you just need to calm down. Get a glass of water; wait for your dad to go to bed first if you need to, but all that crying can actually start to dehydrate you (plus, ever notice that it's impossible to cry while you drink something? It might help you catch your breath). Grab a pillow or a favorite stuffed animal to hold on to, and just let it go. You'll be ok. If all else fails, you'll wear yourself at some point and you'll pretty much be forced to stop.

As always, I'll be here if you want to talk. :)

[Techno Monster]

You are a beautiful person, and you don`t deserve to feel this way.

[thesphinx]

I'm Sorry :hug: Depression can get really tiresome after awhile I know. I know it's hard but you have to keep trying to get your meds right so you can feel better please don't give up.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

thanks guys.
Theres no way i'm going back on anti depressants, i've tried like 5 different kinds and all of them eiteher increase the suicidal thoughts, which i have finally managed to almost completely stop so i dont want them coming back, or amke me so dizzy i cant get up.
right now i'm on xanax for anxiety and it helps my panic attacks and stuff but not the crying and depression of course. And i am going to go back for some therapy but thats not going to help the random crying fits or any other chemical embalnce caused stuff.
its just hard to think i'm always going to have to deal with this.

[thesphinx]

Well it took me 7 tries to get my medication right, one of the meds I was on seriously messed up my appetite for like a year.
A few others did all sorts of weird stuff from hallucination's to dizziness and all sorts of other things.
But anyway my point is I finally found the right medication and with that and therapy I am virtually depression free.
Maybe medication isn't right for you, I don't know maybe therapy will be enough.
Anyway my point is that even though it took forever for me to get this under control it is possible so don't give up.

[Close102]

well just do what you think will make you happy

[Zephyr]

It happens.

I had a complete manic-depressive meltdown on the 14th,
I was home alone that night and I was screaching, twitching, babbeling, having flashbacks of my childhood, talking in a childs voice and crying for 2 hours straight, spending a majority of that time clothed in a tub full of cold water and laying the the garage floor after that.

It's hard, I know.
Especially the frustration of not being able to control it and what may happen.
I never remember half of what I do during these crying periods,
I black out.

All you can really do is wait it out or call somebody for help if you're able.
There's no reason to hate yourself, you're a great person :hug:
You're a worthwhile person, never forget that!