So... What should I have done? She obiously wanted to have sex.

[Shimolis]

I was dating this girl, we enjoyed seeing eachother and she knew that I liked her. We were at her place with her friends, we had a great time, eventually it became too late for me to get home, so I was sleeping in her dorm room. We were chatting very briefly before going to bed, she just undressed like no one was watching and was talking about birth control pills. (How she takes one everyday blah blah, didn't quiet get it). Either way, she took one and we kind of went to sleep. It took a while for her to fall asleep, she kept rolling around in her bed. I'm assuming that she wanted me to make some sort of move, but what in the world do I do in that kind of situation? The beds were a few meters apart, and I'm kind of shy. She obviously wanted me to do something, but how would I do it? Now it's kind of over, I was too afraid to take initiative and she got tired of me, but if something like this ever happens again do you have any tips for me so I could take more initiative? Since I don't know what's right or wrong to do, e.g kiss her, approach her more closely.

[Just JT]

I'd ask her if everything's ok, is something bothering her, offer to talk, go from there

[SethfromMI]

talk to her. never do anything you don't want to do though

[Fiction]

At the end of the day this isn't just about her, it's about doing things that you're both comfortable with. Perhaps try asking her about it, and if you're both ready to takes things further than finding somewhere private to do it.

[lukene]

First of all never, ever, ever just assume that someone wants to have sex. That can lead to all sorts of trouble.
Secondly... well I think the people above me covered it pretty well. Talking and transparency makes life simpler.

[Abhorrence]

First of all never, ever, ever just assume that someone wants to have sex.

This is exactly right, going through with something without verbal consent is such a stupid thing to do or at least like an obvious sign. I don't think that shuffling around in a bed is enough to say she wanted sex but don't take me as an expert. XD

[Uranus]

Just because she stripped naked in front of you, even though you were dating her, doesn't mean she wanted to have sex. You were dating her so, she may have been really comfortable doing so, depending on how close you were. She may have reasons other than sex for taking birth control. It did however, seem like she wanted it, but don't make a move unless you know 100% she wants it.

[Jaffe]

If you're in that situation again, just ask. Never assume, never try to interpret someone's actions. Ask if she wants you to sleep in her bed with her, or if she wants to cuddle, or whatever. Actions may speak louder than words, but words speak a lot more clearly than actions.

[Uniquemind]

When that happens, you need to address the elephant in the room, which is her dropping a hint for sex or if that's all in your head.

It's also important to have had that conversation regarding STI test results before either of you start being together.

Also a conversation of what would happen if pregnancy occurred, are either of you prepared for abortion or adoption or raising it.

Have those conversations first before initiating sex. It'll tend to keep the relationship more stable.

At this point she might feel a little hurt or rejected by you, so you should give her a call or text to explain why you got tense the night you described above.

(Being shy, didn't know what to do, but no less attracted to her are all valid reasons to explain why that night played out like it did).

Some girls feel that they're dropping strong hints, but if nothing happens their mind kind goes through thoughts of:

What's wrong, am I not attractive enough. Is it too soon, what will he think of me?

Also if they're really turned on they're a bit frustrated too.

Just talk to her and jump on the next opportunity when it's clarified what everything else means.


But even if you had gone to her bed and started making out with her, if you read the signs wrong, during the makeout session you can always ask the direct question of the makeout leading to sex or not.

Get a situation where she has to say yes or no. That's gonna keep you legally safe from being a rapist or not.


If you're in that situation again, just ask. Never assume, never try to interpret someone's actions. Ask if she wants you to sleep in her bed with her, or if she wants to cuddle, or whatever. Actions may speak louder than words, but words speak a lot more clearly than actions.
jaffed your correct, but the problem is that dating culture and etiquette of reading non-verbal body language for invites or denial to sex is the normal, in fact for many beginning foreplay before verbal consent to sex is "hot", and is part of the arousal process.

This is probably because of sex scenes on TV shaping our idea of what is cool/hip/hot flirting, but nonetheless, technically we do the following:

1. We kiss, grab, grope. (Guys risk potential sexual assault charges)

2. Verbal and sometimes vague questions of wanting some type of sex occurs (sometimes this step is skipped and that leads to all the rape court battles)

3. Sex occurs depending on consent, any verbal exchange at this point confirms or denies that consent. It is either stopped, continued, or a rape is occurring.


So dating and flirting etiquette really needs to mix the concept of asking about sex directly with the sexiness of foreplay. Because as it stands, silence and reading body language is the default expectation for communicating readiness for sex.


This is a problem.