Hindsight
June 28th, 2015, 06:49 PM
So...I never bothered to ask any advice to help myself out of this pathetic situation, but looking at how am I miserably failing I have decided to do so.
This stretches back a long time. I first got interested with girls when I was 10. There was this girl I met in 5th grade. By the end of the first semester of the school year I started to develop a strong crush for her. I, being an inexperienced idiot, had no idea how to deal with such attraction. For one, I was definitely the shy introverted type of guy. The mere thought of befriending her made me want to hide under the closest furniture within the proximity. Luckily, I had a male friend who was definitely more comfortable around the girl and her circle of friends, which successfully allowed me to interact more with her without having me do it by myself alone. I eventually became really good friends with her, and therefore more comfortable around her. As a side effect, I also started to find myself often staring at her during class. During recess she played games by chasing me and poking me, you know elementary school stuff. I could easily make her laugh by telling jokes and I enjoyed it, which gave birth to an interesting effect lasting to this day of me being capable of coming up with funnier jokes whenever girls I find attractive are around. Anyways, she became my by far closest female friend, so close that a few of my male friends accused her of liking me (to which I was tempted to respond "I wish so!"). I was never entirely convinced that she reciprocated feelings for me, but there were times when she did strange acts to me. As one occasion when we were working on an English project with laptops, she leaned over towards me and my laptop, asking me what was I working on. As I explained, she suddenly moved her mouth close to my left ear and lightly blew air at it. Ever since I met her, I noticed she carried a strong and pleasing scent that captivated me whenever she was nearby. The moment when I felt the wave of light air caressing my pinna, the sound of her breath, and her smell caused the explanation of my boring project to cease immediately. Then she repeated it a few times to ensure I stayed paralyzed even longer. As I finally snapped out of my trance and responded with a dumb "whaaaat", she leaned back and giggled. Yeah, sadly that was probably the best highlight of my love life so far.
Despite how close we were, I still could not bring myself to let her know the feelings I had for her. It was partly due to the fact that I was brought up in my family with the view of what I was experiencing way too inappropriate for my age, and not to mention the pressure of being made fun by classmates. One day came, when we were both running to the lunch line to receive lunch we ordered, we talked about middle school (at where I lived at that time 6th grade was considered middle school). I learned that she was moving away to a farther part of the city, thus resulting us going to different middle schools. I was devastated. I spent my lunch recess wandering around the playground, wondering what should I do. Finally, I decided that I should make the most out of the time left I could spend with her. Then I would have to say farewell and perhaps never see her again.
With hindsight, what I should have done was...I don't know, fucking run? Because I did manage to enjoy the time I had with her, but that was what made saying farewell hard when the time came. By the end of the year, I fell completely in love with her. Unlike most kids, I dreaded summer break that year. For the first time I felt the pain of the absence of a person to such a degree. She actually managed to contact me and a few friends to hang out so we would see each other again, but fate was cruel to me, and all three times failed due to our different summer schedules.
Then, for more than five months, I did not see her, contacting with her only by email. By the end of the five months, I finally started to be able to spend my whole day without aching thoughts of her. And that was gone when I met her again during one of my drawing and painting classes outside of school. When I saw her, I was so shocked and happy, but yet I felt too shy to talk much to her. I went to drawing class with my older brother. My older brother was the only person at that time who knew fully of my feelings for her, and he couldn't stand me being such a pussy. He threatened me that if I didn't start talking with her now he would spill everything to her. I obviously hated the latter option, so I awkwardly opted to go and talk to her. Although my brother is generally smart and nice, I am frankly still mad at him for doing the next thing. Apparently unsatisfied with my awkward conversation with her, he spilled it ultimately. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even bring myself to deny it. Instead I chose to sit in a corner, staring at a wall and not being able to look at her in the eye for the entire day. But I was happy, and her reappearance rekindled my love for her. After the incident, I sent her an email denying what my brother said. I didn't she was fooled at all, but she responded as if she believed me. We went on as normal friends, seeing each other about 1.5 per week, which was definitely not enough for me. Aaand then one week I noticed she wasn't there at art class anymore. When I questioned her, she responded that she was going at a different time during the week. So another two painful months passed. But I got to see her again because of an after-school music band class program. It was also held once per week. We were a bit more apart than we used to be in fifth grade, and she had new friends. As I was too shy to flirt excessively, I mainly stuck with joking around to get her attention. Surprisingly, it worked well as she laughed as much as she used to. Suddenly, one time she remarked that I should stop joking around in class. When I asked why, she explained that it seemed to cause another female classmate to crush on me. She even asked if I liked her as a friend or not. I, sensing the possible tones of jealousy, asked her how would joking around cause a girl to like me. She responded that she thinks I look cute when I joke around. However, she added later that thinking someone as cute did not indicate attraction, or she may not like me even if she thinks I am cute. It seemed very suspicious indeed, but nothing else happened besides that she gave me a perfect excuse to call her cute in the future. Then, sixth grade ended and I could not see her anymore. We still contact online frequently, but as time passed she started to reply short emails and would even at times ignore me. Strangely, I still loved her. I frequently lose sleep at night because she was on my mind. I managed to be able to work normally at school and see other girls, but I still felt strongly for her. It was an year after, I finally saw her again at a parade where our school bands were performing in. We greeted each other, but did nothing else. And finally back to present. Currently I still have no chance seeing her again, and could only contact her by online chat and email. To make things worse, I had to quit out of the school band elective because my parents told me to choose something else, and the school band helped me twice with meeting her again. I also learned that she is now not interested in me (through this: http://www.lovecalculator.be/), and many boys at her school are interested in her. Finally, I would move away, to the southern part of the state after eighth grade, which means I have a year left (not that I would be going to the same high school with her even if I didn't move, as there are two high schools in my city).
So I am stuck in a situation I don't know how to handle. I never told her I did not just like her but loved her, and am not sure if I should. I still don't know when could I meet her again. I couldn't bring myself to get over her either.
TL;DR: Got stuck in some strange long-distance unrequited love situation. I would prefer if you read the whole thing as I took quite a while to write it.
This stretches back a long time. I first got interested with girls when I was 10. There was this girl I met in 5th grade. By the end of the first semester of the school year I started to develop a strong crush for her. I, being an inexperienced idiot, had no idea how to deal with such attraction. For one, I was definitely the shy introverted type of guy. The mere thought of befriending her made me want to hide under the closest furniture within the proximity. Luckily, I had a male friend who was definitely more comfortable around the girl and her circle of friends, which successfully allowed me to interact more with her without having me do it by myself alone. I eventually became really good friends with her, and therefore more comfortable around her. As a side effect, I also started to find myself often staring at her during class. During recess she played games by chasing me and poking me, you know elementary school stuff. I could easily make her laugh by telling jokes and I enjoyed it, which gave birth to an interesting effect lasting to this day of me being capable of coming up with funnier jokes whenever girls I find attractive are around. Anyways, she became my by far closest female friend, so close that a few of my male friends accused her of liking me (to which I was tempted to respond "I wish so!"). I was never entirely convinced that she reciprocated feelings for me, but there were times when she did strange acts to me. As one occasion when we were working on an English project with laptops, she leaned over towards me and my laptop, asking me what was I working on. As I explained, she suddenly moved her mouth close to my left ear and lightly blew air at it. Ever since I met her, I noticed she carried a strong and pleasing scent that captivated me whenever she was nearby. The moment when I felt the wave of light air caressing my pinna, the sound of her breath, and her smell caused the explanation of my boring project to cease immediately. Then she repeated it a few times to ensure I stayed paralyzed even longer. As I finally snapped out of my trance and responded with a dumb "whaaaat", she leaned back and giggled. Yeah, sadly that was probably the best highlight of my love life so far.
Despite how close we were, I still could not bring myself to let her know the feelings I had for her. It was partly due to the fact that I was brought up in my family with the view of what I was experiencing way too inappropriate for my age, and not to mention the pressure of being made fun by classmates. One day came, when we were both running to the lunch line to receive lunch we ordered, we talked about middle school (at where I lived at that time 6th grade was considered middle school). I learned that she was moving away to a farther part of the city, thus resulting us going to different middle schools. I was devastated. I spent my lunch recess wandering around the playground, wondering what should I do. Finally, I decided that I should make the most out of the time left I could spend with her. Then I would have to say farewell and perhaps never see her again.
With hindsight, what I should have done was...I don't know, fucking run? Because I did manage to enjoy the time I had with her, but that was what made saying farewell hard when the time came. By the end of the year, I fell completely in love with her. Unlike most kids, I dreaded summer break that year. For the first time I felt the pain of the absence of a person to such a degree. She actually managed to contact me and a few friends to hang out so we would see each other again, but fate was cruel to me, and all three times failed due to our different summer schedules.
Then, for more than five months, I did not see her, contacting with her only by email. By the end of the five months, I finally started to be able to spend my whole day without aching thoughts of her. And that was gone when I met her again during one of my drawing and painting classes outside of school. When I saw her, I was so shocked and happy, but yet I felt too shy to talk much to her. I went to drawing class with my older brother. My older brother was the only person at that time who knew fully of my feelings for her, and he couldn't stand me being such a pussy. He threatened me that if I didn't start talking with her now he would spill everything to her. I obviously hated the latter option, so I awkwardly opted to go and talk to her. Although my brother is generally smart and nice, I am frankly still mad at him for doing the next thing. Apparently unsatisfied with my awkward conversation with her, he spilled it ultimately. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even bring myself to deny it. Instead I chose to sit in a corner, staring at a wall and not being able to look at her in the eye for the entire day. But I was happy, and her reappearance rekindled my love for her. After the incident, I sent her an email denying what my brother said. I didn't she was fooled at all, but she responded as if she believed me. We went on as normal friends, seeing each other about 1.5 per week, which was definitely not enough for me. Aaand then one week I noticed she wasn't there at art class anymore. When I questioned her, she responded that she was going at a different time during the week. So another two painful months passed. But I got to see her again because of an after-school music band class program. It was also held once per week. We were a bit more apart than we used to be in fifth grade, and she had new friends. As I was too shy to flirt excessively, I mainly stuck with joking around to get her attention. Surprisingly, it worked well as she laughed as much as she used to. Suddenly, one time she remarked that I should stop joking around in class. When I asked why, she explained that it seemed to cause another female classmate to crush on me. She even asked if I liked her as a friend or not. I, sensing the possible tones of jealousy, asked her how would joking around cause a girl to like me. She responded that she thinks I look cute when I joke around. However, she added later that thinking someone as cute did not indicate attraction, or she may not like me even if she thinks I am cute. It seemed very suspicious indeed, but nothing else happened besides that she gave me a perfect excuse to call her cute in the future. Then, sixth grade ended and I could not see her anymore. We still contact online frequently, but as time passed she started to reply short emails and would even at times ignore me. Strangely, I still loved her. I frequently lose sleep at night because she was on my mind. I managed to be able to work normally at school and see other girls, but I still felt strongly for her. It was an year after, I finally saw her again at a parade where our school bands were performing in. We greeted each other, but did nothing else. And finally back to present. Currently I still have no chance seeing her again, and could only contact her by online chat and email. To make things worse, I had to quit out of the school band elective because my parents told me to choose something else, and the school band helped me twice with meeting her again. I also learned that she is now not interested in me (through this: http://www.lovecalculator.be/), and many boys at her school are interested in her. Finally, I would move away, to the southern part of the state after eighth grade, which means I have a year left (not that I would be going to the same high school with her even if I didn't move, as there are two high schools in my city).
So I am stuck in a situation I don't know how to handle. I never told her I did not just like her but loved her, and am not sure if I should. I still don't know when could I meet her again. I couldn't bring myself to get over her either.
TL;DR: Got stuck in some strange long-distance unrequited love situation. I would prefer if you read the whole thing as I took quite a while to write it.