Her father is a racist!

[Bowili]

Hi guys. I'll just go straight to it. So I've fallen in love with a beautiful girl and we have been together for three months. A month ago, someone told her father about us and he flipped out. She always told me to never come to her place without telling her and she didn't want me to meet her parents either. I soon understood why.

Her father is a racist and has told her to never meet me again (I'm African American). A couple of days ago, he spotted us walking together a couple of blocks from where she lives, and he came out of his car and ranted against me (calling me the n-word). He tries to stop her from meeting me, calling me, texting me etc. She always finds a way to do so, but this is getting a bit tiresome. I don't want her to be frozen out of her family because of me. She loves her father and her family very much and she actually cried yesterday because of the pressure she was feeling.

I told her today that we need to break up for her sake. I just feel so angry and depressed right now. What a fucked up society we live in. I just had to write this somewhere. :(

[RiriLiss]

I've been reading this forum for a while, but had to open an account so that I could answer you.

First of all, what a horrible experience this is for you and your girlfriend. Her father is stupid and hateful. I think your girlfriend needs to sit down with her father and really draw a line. If he loves his daughter, he should not stand in the way of her love and happiness. That should be her ultimatum.

You seem to have found a loving relationship and this kind of stupidity should not sabotage you. Keep in touch with your girlfriend and ask her to confront her father. Don't give up, young man! Lots of hugs. :)

[SethfromMI]

so sorry man, that is unfair there are still people who hate another over the color of their skin. sad day indeed .

if she wants to continue the relationship though, I say go for it. just be careful about what situations you put yourself in

[ClaraWho]

Evil scum. It's up to her to end the relationship though, not you. Say it is in her hands, tell her how you feel about her and let the cards fall.

Really a horrible situation and I'm sorry you have to experience racism... Really a very difficult situation, but I could never love a racist - family or not, I'd instantly sever all ties and leave them to rot in their own vile hatred.

Wishing you well and good luck,

~ Clara

[Bowili]

Evil scum. It's up to her to end the relationship though, not you. Say it is in her hands, tell her how you feel about her and let the cards fall.
ff
Really a horrible situation and I'm sorry you have to experience racism... Really a very difficult situation, but I could never love a racist - family or not, I'd instantly sever all ties and leave them to rot in their own vile hatred.

Wishing you well and good luck,

~ Clara

She doesn't want it to end. She desperately tries to keep her family and keep me at once. I've vaguely told her that I don't think this is going to work, but then she says that we can pull through, if we give it time, are patient etc etc

I know deep down that this isn't going to work, but I can't seem to let entirely go of it either...

[Melodic]

Don't care about what her father says. If she's happy with you, that's all that matters. You're not dating her dad lol

[Meganium]

Hmmmm.

I'm a man of peace, and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and negotiate before doing anything rash. I'm the same race as you are, and will likely be dating outside of my race, so I'll probably come across similar problems.

First off, I think you did a good thing, breaking up with her for the time being. While neither of you wanted it, you thought that it would take some weight off her shoulders and put her (eventual) happiness before your own. I respect that a lot.

Now I know that negotiations with a racist can be like talking to a wall, but if you haven't given him reason to believe that you will fail to treat his daughter right, then he has no valid reason to disapprove of you, and that WILL register somewhere in his head, whether he suppresses it or not.

It doesn't seem like you've treated her badly, in fact you've already evidenced the opposite, can you think of anything aside from your skin color that you do or don't do that might make him even less comfortable?

I really wish I knew how to handle bigotry like this. It fucking sucks that it can even get in the way of love like this, but I really hope it works out. Just don't let yourself or your SO do anything reckless. All power to you.

[chrisawesome]

That makes me sick. Though I do see the challenges in a relationship to completely avoid their parents I would've just gone with it. Maybe you should have a civil conversation with her father on why he is so against it. What exactly makes him dislike you? Ask him what does my skin color matter?

Maybe if you come from a family with a sketchy background. Maybe your not the smartest and best mannered. If those apply well he may have a good objection to separate you two. If you live in a nice neighborhood and drive normal cars like the rest of us and he disapproves because your black... Just tell him, suck my fat black dick"! Lol

[Broken Toy]

Naa man thats some bullshit right there. I think you should go over and tell him to talk to you because thats jsut not on at all like. Fair play to you for breaking up so she doesnt get frozen out but i thini you should ask to talk to him so you can convince him that you are canny and theres nothing 'wrong' with you because of your skin colour.

Well done for being so calm aswell, i think i would have probably starting arguing with her dad and kicked off

[Bowili]

That makes me sick. Though I do see the challenges in a relationship to completely avoid their parents I would've just gone with it. Maybe you should have a civil conversation with her father on why he is so against it. What exactly makes him dislike you? Ask him what does my skin color matter?

Maybe if you come from a family with a sketchy background. Maybe your not the smartest and best mannered. If those apply well he may have a good objection to separate you two. If you live in a nice neighborhood and drive normal cars like the rest of us and he disapproves because your black... Just tell him, suck my fat black dick"! Lol

A family with a sketchy background? Nice neighborhood? Bro, he doesn't even know me! He has seen me like 2-3 times and he just rants at me and tells me to leave his daughter alone. I don't even think he knows my name, ffs.

Anyway, I havent spoken to her for three days before she called me today tellin me that I was a coward who gave up on her and asked why I wasnt willing to fight for us etc etc. This is a fight I dont think I can win anyway, even though I want to try. Her father can just pull his financial support for her education/throw her out etc and suddenly her life is ruined because of my decision to "fight"...

[Broken Toy]

Mate im saying i think you need to tell her to get her father to know you. tell her that you cant do anything if hes not willing to get to know you.

I know she was only just your girlfriend, and you want to fight for her, but if shes calling you a coward for this i dont like her. Dont let anyone get you down, but definitely try and talk to her dad

[Broken Toy]

Mate im saying i think you need to tell her to get her father to know you. tell her that you cant do anything if hes not willing to get to know you.

I know she was only just your girlfriend, and you want to fight for her, but if shes calling you a coward for this i dont like her. Dont let anyone get you down, but definitely try and talk to her dad

[Meganium]

A family with a sketchy background? Nice neighborhood? Bro, he doesn't even know me! He has seen me like 2-3 times and he just rants at me and tells me to leave his daughter alone. I don't even think he knows my name, ffs.

Anyway, I havent spoken to her for three days before she called me today tellin me that I was a coward who gave up on her and asked why I wasnt willing to fight for us etc etc. This is a fight I dont think I can win anyway, even though I want to try. Her father can just pull his financial support for her education/throw her out etc and suddenly her life is ruined because of my decision to "fight"...

Whoa, I know she might be upset, but she's out of line for calling you a coward. What you've done was for her benefit, not your own, and she should be a bit more thankful.

Anyway, I think your best bet would be to try and have a discussion with her dad, despite how hard that may be.

[ClaraWho]

As I stated previously, it's her decision to make. Sit down and talk it through, treat her with the respect she deserves and let her make the decision about the continuation of the relationship.

It was wrong for you to treat her so patronisingly by ending it.

~ Clara

[Bowili]

As I stated previously, it's her decision to make. Sit down and talk it through, treat her with the respect she deserves and let her make the decision about the continuation of the relationship.

It was wrong for you to treat her so patronisingly by ending it.

~ Clara

I did it for her sake. And I intended it as a break. I couldnt ever leave her for good. She has been emotional lately + her father has threatened her with refusing to pay for her college and throwin her out etc. I thought that my absence could give her a little breathing space.

Am I wrong to think like this? I mean if I were selfish, I could just continue and not give a f**k about her problems. But I feel like Im doing more damage than good for her rigt now.

Ive told her everything I just wrote, and she says she will just fix these problems (how I dunno).

[ClaraWho]

I did it for her sake. And I intended it as a break. I couldnt ever leave her for good. She has been emotional lately + her father has threatened her with refusing to pay for her college and throwin her out etc. I thought that my absence could give her a little breathing space.

Am I wrong to think like this? I mean if I were selfish, I could just continue and not give a f**k about her problems. But I feel like Im doing more damage than good for her rigt now.

Ive told her everything I just wrote, and she says she will just fix these problems (how I dunno).

She doesn't need 'breathing space'. I understand how you think you're doing the right thing, but really you are insulting her.

Imagine if your dad had an issue with her. Would you be okay with her breaking up with you 'for your own sake' and not trusting you to know what is best?

That's the main issue here - you aren't demonstrating that you trust and respect her own intelligence and ability to handle this situation. In fact, by breaking up with her you aren't even giving her a say. It's extremely patronising and you should really apologise to her.

Also, if you do speak to her - don't use the phrase 'you've been getting emotional lately'... Or wear a cup...

Your 'I'm caring about her problems, I could just not' is rather an immature comment you must concede. Let's be sensible here.

It sounds like her dad is a racist parasite, but it's up to her what means more to her, and how she can manipulate the situation to her advantage. When someone points a gun to your head, you pull out a bigger gun, or 100 and more other options. You don't destroy your relationship.

~ Clara

[Bowili]

She doesn't need 'breathing space'. I understand how you think you're doing the right thing, but really you are insulting her.

Imagine if your dad had an issue with her. Would you be okay with her breaking up with you 'for your own sake' and not trusting you to know what is best?

That's the main issue here - you aren't demonstrating that you trust and respect her own intelligence and ability to handle this situation. In fact, by breaking up with her you aren't even giving her a say. It's extremely patronising and you should really apologise to her.

Also, if you do speak to her - don't use the phrase 'you've been getting emotional lately'... Or wear a cup...

Your 'I'm caring about her problems, I could just not' is rather an immature comment you must concede. Let's be sensible here.

It sounds like her dad is a racist parasite, but it's up to her what means more to her, and how she can manipulate the situation to her advantage. When someone points a gun to your head, you pull out a bigger gun, or 100 and more other options. You don't destroy your relationship.

~ Clara

Ok, ty for your advice. I will apologize to her and let her control the situation.

I just want to avoid the worst case scenario. If I had it my way, I would spend every single second with her. But in our case, that isnt as easy as it should be!

But I will deffo apologize. Ive felt like an idiot for the last three days not callin her as well.

[Zachary G]

I am sorry you have to experience things like that here in the 21st century, you would think with all of the progress we have made in society, one would think that race issues would be the last thing on anyones mind. Its a sad day and a set back for all humanity when we lower ourselves to reverting back to times that used to be and are no more.

Be strong and continue with your loving heart, not everyone feels the way that idiot father of hers feel.

[Uniquemind]

Someone make a GoFundMe page so this couple once both are 18 can do what they want without the father's money leverage on his daughter.

A family with a sketchy background? Nice neighborhood? Bro, he doesn't even know me! He has seen me like 2-3 times and he just rants at me and tells me to leave his daughter alone. I don't even think he knows my name, ffs.

Anyway, I havent spoken to her for three days before she called me today tellin me that I was a coward who gave up on her and asked why I wasnt willing to fight for us etc etc. This is a fight I dont think I can win anyway, even though I want to try. Her father can just pull his financial support for her education/throw her out etc and suddenly her life is ruined because of my decision to "fight"...


She's not being wise in her understanding of "fight".

"Fighting" for a relationship in these conditions sometimes means going for the less dramatic but most strategically effective plan on how to get what you want in the long term rather than short term.


If she's so caught up in emotion and doesn't realize you are fighting for her in your own way, she perhaps isn't mature enough for a relationship.

She's also not considering her dad may shoot you in the face. If she's got a plan she needs to share it with you.

It's a game, the father's leverage is his monetary support.

Counter that.

The girl's father can cut off emotional ties to her.

You'll have to endure that. Both of you. Including the absence of a grandparent if this relationship goes serious and you have kids.



P.s. What does her extended family and mom think of this? If the mom isn't a racist then there's hope.

[Bowili]

Someone make a GoFundMe page so this couple once both are 18 can do what they want without the father's money leverage on his daughter.




She's not being wise in her understanding of "fight".

"Fighting" for a relationship in these conditions sometimes means going for the less dramatic but most strategically effective plan on how to get what you want in the long term rather than short term.


If she's so caught up in emotion and doesn't realize you are fighting for her in your own way, she perhaps isn't mature enough for a relationship.

She's also not considering her dad may shoot you in the face. If she's got a plan she needs to share it with you.

It's a game, the father's leverage is his monetary support.

Counter that.

The girl's father can cut off emotional ties to her.

You'll have to endure that. Both of you. Including the absence of a grandparent if this relationship goes serious and you have kids.



P.s. What does her extended family and mom think of this? If the mom isn't a racist then there's hope.

The rest of her family are skeptical, but its only the father who is actively trying to seperate us.

I dont really care about the absence of grandparents or their support. At this point, just being with my gf without any worries would be more than good enough for me.

Im going to meet her now and talk this through.

[Thatcooldude]

I think you should stick with her bruh, if you really feel like shes right for you, don't let her douchebag of a father interfere.

[DoodleSnap]

It's a difficult situation you're in: having uncooperative parents to deal with sucks. My best advice is to speak to her about your worries for the relationship: a relationship is made from two, so communication and honesty is super important. Don't act all by yourself: tell her your side of the problem and try to work together to solve this. She might have some ideas on how to approach her father. Just remember to work together! Two heads are better than one.
Good luck, and I hope it all goes okay.

[Selestine]

Follow your heart dude. No freaking Dad would stop me from dating the one I love.