How do I break this off?

[EssentialAspiration]

I want another girl. I care about my current girlfriend and want to end the relationship hurting her as little as possible. Obviously it's going to hurt her but I want to minimize the hurt. How do I go about this? I'm not going to tell her about the other girl. I'm not going to jump straight into a relationship with the new girl and tell everyone about it it will remain a secret. But how do I break this off?

[skittle]

Be honest with her (that you want to end the relationship), and don't lead her on. That hurts more than a breakup.

Don't tell her over text or anything. Find some time to get together in person, alone, no distractions. Sit down with her and tell her that you don't think that things are working out, that you don't feel the same way that you used to. When you have this conversation, try not to mention other people. Give her time to react and listen to her if she's got anything to say.

Then if things end up working out with the other girl, try not to do anything that might make it seem as if you're flaunting this new relationship, at least not right away. Give yourself a bit of time before jumping into something new.

[SethfromMI]

tell her in person. tell her it is you, because it is, and not her. do not say it is because you found someone else

[Cronor]

Guys above, stop encouraging him, geez.
Before you dump your current caring girlfriend, consider this:
1.) Are you sure that your 'new' girlfriend will accept you? Does she like you back?
2.) Is she really better than your current girlfriend?
3.) How well do you know her?

Now, if she is better (for you), take advices from people above to break up with her, and then, don't just rush into a new relationship.
Your first goal is to get to know your new girlfriend, talk to her, be her friend, be her enemy, get to know how she acts in every situation, and then go on and proceed out of that friendzone you might currently be in. You know what to do, you already have a girlfriend.

[skittle]

Guys above, stop encouraging him, geez.
Before you dump your current caring girlfriend, consider this:
1.) Are you sure that your 'new' girlfriend will accept you? Does she like you back?
2.) Is she really better than your current girlfriend?
3.) How well do you know her?

Now, if she is better (for you), take advices from people above to break up with her, and then, don't just rush into a new relationship.
Your first goal is to get to know your new girlfriend, talk to her, be her friend, be her enemy, get to know how she acts in every situation, and then go on and proceed out of that friendzone you might currently be in. You know what to do, you already have a girlfriend.

Regardless of whether or not the second girl will want to be in a relationship with him, if he is not satisfied with his current girlfriend (as appears to be the case), he should not lead her on while actively pursuing another girl. That would probably be more painful for his current girlfriend, and he said that his goal was to hurt her as little as possible.

[ClaraWho]

Regardless of whether or not the second girl will want to be in a relationship with him, if he is not satisfied with his current girlfriend (as appears to be the case), he should not lead her on while actively pursuing another girl. That would probably be more painful for his current girlfriend, and he said that his goal was to hurt her as little as possible.

The fact you had to point this out depresses me for the current generation... :mad:

~ Clara

[Meganium]

Just explain honestly and gingerly why your relationship work 1 hasn't been working well, and why you think it's best for you to separate. Just be certain that you're leaving her for the right reasons and not joining the other girl for the wrong ones.

[skittle]

The fact you had to point this out depresses me for the current generation... :mad:

I don't understand. I was simply saying that he should not lead his current girlfriend on.

[ClaraWho]

I don't understand. I was simply saying that he should not lead his current girlfriend on.

Lol uhm... Please reread in that order? Sorry! Just can't think of a simpler way to explain it :confused:

My point is also ecologically valid as it applies to the entire collective of this type of behaviour. What I mean is that it is depressing you had to point out women aren't possessions/objects that you swap/update when you get bored, etc. That he shouldn't just keep her until something better comes along, as you said.

~ Clara

[Uniquemind]

Lol uhm... Please reread in that order? Sorry! Just can't think of a simpler way to explain it :confused:

My point is also ecologically valid as it applies to the entire collective of this type of behaviour. What I mean is that it is depressing you had to point out women aren't possessions/objects that you swap/update when you get bored, etc. That he shouldn't just keep her until something better comes along, as you said.

~ Clara

In theory you're right Clara, but sadly I don't see humans changing this part of dating culture. Teens treat dating like possessions as do adults to way older adults. "Trading-up" is rampant and new.

Unless they really find someone they really love mutually.

[ClaraWho]

In theory you're right Clara, but sadly I don't see humans changing this part of dating culture. Teens treat dating like possessions as do adults to way older adults. "Trading-up" is rampant and new.

Unless they really find someone they really love mutually.

Ha that's my point, depressing isn't it??! If only girls didn't settle for it. But then religion also has it as the hallmark. We're making progress, like ending slavery! But I realise this is going off topic!

If you aren't happy in the relationship, and you're still looking around, you should morally break it up.

~ Clara

[Uniquemind]

Ha that's my point, depressing isn't it??! If only girls didn't settle for it. But then religion also has it as the hallmark. We're making progress, like ending slavery! But I realise this is going off topic!

If you aren't happy in the relationship, and you're still looking around, you should morally break it up.

~ Clara

Maybe but you also need to acknowledge the one man and one woman model of relationship is also largely religiously framed.


To accept true freedom one has to only go by the doctrine of consent for the living conditions they want to be a part of.

Whether that's monogamy or polygamy or a free floating relationship.


Those who are "settling" are consenting but their violation is unto themselves and not listening to what they want out of life.


To enjoy life fully one must be honest, wise, bold, true to self and humble.



For these reasons I believe in practicing an open relationship.

[ClaraWho]

Maybe but you also need to acknowledge the one man and one woman model of relationship is also largely religiously framed.


To accept true freedom one has to only go by the doctrine of consent for the living conditions they want to be a part of.

Whether that's monogamy or polygamy or a free floating relationship.


Those who are "settling" are consenting but their violation is unto themselves and not listening to what they want out of life.


To enjoy life fully one must be honest, wise, bold, true to self and humble.



For these reasons I believe in practicing an open relationship.

Sorry, but most of that reply was (no offence) meaningless. Sure, you wrote a lot. But very little had any substance. Try checking over to see if your points are clear in future!

Using more complex words that are lengthier only makes you look smarter if formed in a comprehensible sentence. For example 'consenting but their violation is unto themselves'. That's just gibberish (in this context), it doesn't make a coherent sentence (please don't take this as an attack).

Further, you seem to think that;
A) there is such a thing as an objective 'true freedom'
B) True freedom isn't in itself an impossibility, if one defines it by the plural. Everyone cannot possibly have complete freedom - your freedom would violate onto mine, and cancel each other out.

None of your reasons gave any indication of why one should want/pursue an open relationship, other than 'because I say I want to'.

The simple fact is, we are neurologically wired to pair up in twos. Our brains and chemistry is such, that when you experience true love, you stop looking to 'upgrade' or 'just settle'. You go through a very physical and consequently mental change, which alters that desire to have more mates. Open relationships always end in an imbalance in reciprocation of feelings. Sex in itself releases strong bonding chemicals during orgasm.

That isn't to say a consenting group of adults couldn't form a relationship together, simply that it would never be as fulfilling or beneficial as true love. But true love is so impossible to find, they may not care and it may work for them!

This reply of yours had nothing to do with my point you were responding to, and gender preference is irrelevant to both.

~ Clara

[Uniquemind]

Sorry, but most of that reply was (no offence) meaningless. Sure, you wrote a lot. But very little had any substance. Try checking over to see if your points are clear in future!

Using more complex words that are lengthier only makes you look smarter if formed in a comprehensible sentence. For example 'consenting but their violation is unto themselves'. That's just gibberish (in this context), it doesn't make a coherent sentence (please don't take this as an attack).

Further, you seem to think that;
A) there is such a thing as an objective 'true freedom'
B) True freedom isn't in itself an impossibility, if one defines it by the plural. Everyone cannot possibly have complete freedom - your freedom would violate onto mine, and cancel each other out.

None of your reasons gave any indication of why one should want/pursue an open relationship, other than 'because I say I want to'.

The simple fact is, we are neurologically wired to pair up in twos. Our brains and chemistry is such, that when you experience true love, you stop looking to 'upgrade' or 'just settle'. You go through a very physical and consequently mental change, which alters that desire to have more mates. Open relationships always end in an imbalance in reciprocation of feelings. Sex in itself releases strong bonding chemicals during orgasm.

That isn't to say a consenting group of adults couldn't form a relationship together, simply that it would never be as fulfilling or beneficial as true love. But true love is so impossible to find, they may not care and it may work for them!

This reply of yours had nothing to do with my point you were responding to, and gender preference is irrelevant to both.

~ Clara

I admit my former post was loosely constructed and I rambled a bit. That's on me, but I digress that was due to exhaustion, I've had a grueling day.

But you don't care about that.


My point was this:

An individual can love more than one person and be sexually attracted to more than one person at a time.

The brain is a complex organ it is largely, if not completely responsible for one's personality, outside of whatever "consciousness" is from a philosophical perspective.

Among humans pair-bonding certainly occurs, but it does not necessarily last in the fairy-tail sense of one man for one woman that is largely a religiously inspired ideal (Usually the modern interpretation of Christianity/Catholicism, with modern being defined as the last 800 hundred years or so for purposes of this conversation).


Some couples are capable of being lifetime monogamous, but for many this is not so and they will fall into a few camps:

1. Couples that experience being cheated on or doing the cheating.

2. Couples that practice an open relationship sexually or perhaps plural.

3. Couples who breakup and move on to new people. (This also encompasses couples who divorce and perhaps re-marry new people).

---

What is or isn't appropriate or what is or isn't demeaning or belittling is all personal to the individuals and what they consent to with their partners.

But open, honest, and clear communication is absolutely necessary for any of the above situations of 1 through 3 listed above.

---

Another question I was trying to raise was the concept of why we hold something appropriate VS inappropriate and we project out biases onto other people.

---

I also agree with option B regarding the concept of freedom, so you'll find now argument from me there. In fact person 1's freedom canceling out person 2's freedom, to me personally makes me logical feel that what should and shouldn't be done in society has now come down to a numbers game, especially in a democracy.

[Uniquemind]

Sorry, but most of that reply was (no offence) meaningless. Sure, you wrote a lot. But very little had any substance. Try checking over to see if your points are clear in future!

Using more complex words that are lengthier only makes you look smarter if formed in a comprehensible sentence. For example 'consenting but their violation is unto themselves'. That's just gibberish (in this context), it doesn't make a coherent sentence (please don't take this as an attack).

Further, you seem to think that;
A) there is such a thing as an objective 'true freedom'
B) True freedom isn't in itself an impossibility, if one defines it by the plural. Everyone cannot possibly have complete freedom - your freedom would violate onto mine, and cancel each other out.

None of your reasons gave any indication of why one should want/pursue an open relationship, other than 'because I say I want to'.

The simple fact is, we are neurologically wired to pair up in twos. Our brains and chemistry is such, that when you experience true love, you stop looking to 'upgrade' or 'just settle'. You go through a very physical and consequently mental change, which alters that desire to have more mates. Open relationships always end in an imbalance in reciprocation of feelings. Sex in itself releases strong bonding chemicals during orgasm.

That isn't to say a consenting group of adults couldn't form a relationship together, simply that it would never be as fulfilling or beneficial as true love. But true love is so impossible to find, they may not care and it may work for them!

This reply of yours had nothing to do with my point you were responding to, and gender preference is irrelevant to both.

~ Clara

I admit my former post was loosely constructed and I rambled a bit. That's on me, but I digress that was due to exhaustion, I've had a grueling day.

But you don't care about that.


My point was this:

An individual can love more than one person and be sexually attracted to more than one person at a time.

The brain is a complex organ it is largely, if not completely responsible for one's personality, outside of whatever "consciousness" is from a philosophical perspective.

Among humans pair-bonding certainly occurs, but it does not necessarily last in the fairy-tail sense of one man for one woman that is largely a religiously inspired ideal (Usually the modern interpretation of Christianity/Catholicism, with modern being defined as the last 800 hundred years or so for purposes of this conversation).


Some couples are capable of being lifetime monogamous, but for many this is not so and they will fall into a few camps:

1. Couples that experience being cheated on or doing the cheating.

2. Couples that practice an open relationship sexually or perhaps plural.

3. Couples who breakup and move on to new people. (This also encompasses couples who divorce and perhaps re-marry new people).

---

What is or isn't appropriate or what is or isn't demeaning or belittling is all personal to the individuals and what they consent to with their partners.

But open, honest, and clear communication is absolutely necessary for any of the above situations of 1 through 3 listed above.


As to my "settling" comment, those who have the talk about opening up the relationship from a exclusive closed relationship, but only verbally say yes, when emotionally they do NOT want to consent, end up in that position basically feeling violated and betrayed because they wanted to "have their cake and eat it too".

IF one wants a closed relationship, but their partner wants to open it, it can't happen both parties are forced by circumstance and the natural laws of consent and mutual respect to end the relationship.

That's what I meant by the violation stuff, and not being true to the self stuff. Sorry I wasn't more clear.



---

Another question I was trying to raise was the concept of why we hold something appropriate VS inappropriate and we project out biases onto other people.

---

I also agree with option B regarding the concept of freedom, so you'll find no argument from me there. In fact person 1's freedom canceling out person 2's freedom, to me personally makes me logical feel that what should and shouldn't be done in society has now come down to a numbers game, especially in a democracy.

[skittle]

Lol uhm... Please reread in that order? Sorry! Just can't think of a simpler way to explain it :confused:

My point is also ecologically valid as it applies to the entire collective of this type of behaviour. What I mean is that it is depressing you had to point out women aren't possessions/objects that you swap/update when you get bored, etc. That he shouldn't just keep her until something better comes along, as you said.

Oh, okay I see! I agree with you completely then, I thought you that that comment was directed at my opinion. Now that I understand, I'll say this: you're right, it shouldn't be something that has to be pointed it, it should go without saying. Misunderstanding.

[Uniquemind]

The heck happened. I know I only posted once but my post showed up twice.

That's a glitch.

Oh, okay I see! I agree with you completely then, I thought you that that comment was directed at my opinion. Now that I understand, I'll say this: you're right, it shouldn't be something that has to be pointed it, it should go without saying. Misunderstanding.

I agree with Clara on her point but I want to acknowledge a valid point I think you were attempting to make Skittle.


There comes a point in relationships where fireworks do sometimes simmer down but the affection and love are still there.

If that is where the OP is, it is very common for a new person to suddenly become interesting to one or both people in a relationship.


What I think skittle was trying to say was that, it's important to look into one's self and recognize temptation but also keep a reality check of what you currently have and if you going after a new path in life is worth leaving behind what you can't take with you; fruits of decisions past.


Sometimes it's not as simple as trading up or swapping out people in life, sometimes it's a lot more complicated than that.

This tends to be the case when relationship A was more than casual romance or even sex and had a rich depth to it, and then suddenly fizzles.


If anybody doesn't understand what I am saying please ask me to clarify.

[ClaraWho]

I admit my former post was loosely constructed and I rambled a bit. That's on me, but I digress that was due to exhaustion, I've had a grueling day.

But you don't care about that.


My point was this:

An individual can love more than one person and be sexually attracted to more than one person at a time.

The brain is a complex organ it is largely, if not completely responsible for one's personality, outside of whatever "consciousness" is from a philosophical perspective.

Among humans pair-bonding certainly occurs, but it does not necessarily last in the fairy-tail sense of one man for one woman that is largely a religiously inspired ideal (Usually the modern interpretation of Christianity/Catholicism, with modern being defined as the last 800 hundred years or so for purposes of this conversation).


Some couples are capable of being lifetime monogamous, but for many this is not so and they will fall into a few camps:

1. Couples that experience being cheated on or doing the cheating.

2. Couples that practice an open relationship sexually or perhaps plural.

3. Couples who breakup and move on to new people. (This also encompasses couples who divorce and perhaps re-marry new people).

---

What is or isn't appropriate or what is or isn't demeaning or belittling is all personal to the individuals and what they consent to with their partners.

But open, honest, and clear communication is absolutely necessary for any of the above situations of 1 through 3 listed above.


As to my "settling" comment, those who have the talk about opening up the relationship from a exclusive closed relationship, but only verbally say yes, when emotionally they do NOT want to consent, end up in that position basically feeling violated and betrayed because they wanted to "have their cake and eat it too".

IF one wants a closed relationship, but their partner wants to open it, it can't happen both parties are forced by circumstance and the natural laws of consent and mutual respect to end the relationship.

That's what I meant by the violation stuff, and not being true to the self stuff. Sorry I wasn't more clear.



---

Another question I was trying to raise was the concept of why we hold something appropriate VS inappropriate and we project out biases onto other people.

---

I also agree with option B regarding the concept of freedom, so you'll find no argument from me there. In fact person 1's freedom canceling out person 2's freedom, to me personally makes me logical feel that what should and shouldn't be done in society has now come down to a numbers game, especially in a democracy.

Again, I find myself wishing you would stick to the point and be more succinct!

And I do care that you a gruelling day, I hope whilst ardious it is all over and you got a good nights sleep. Now on to your point.

I'll distill your points down to this;

"Sometimes people who are romantically in love, one partner's feelings 'fizzle out', and at that stage they should be honest; ending the relationship".

This goes against your whole 'open relationships ftw!' Opinion. Especially as you go on to argue the exact problems of reciprocation in that scenario.

FWB rarely work unless individuals are mildly psychotic.

There are different forms of love (we don't need philosophy for this) as laid out in Psychology (if interested YT 'Yale attraction lecture').

What you described was infatuation. That's basically the 'lust' element, not the romantic element. Loving someone in a romantic way instills a loyalty to them.

In terms of your 'appropriate vs inappropriate', open relationships being negative is biologically and psychologically evidenced. Yes, humans are massively complex, but we are mostly all wired the same.

In the 'Polygamy vs Monogamy' thread in ROTW i've discussed this at length.

So you agree there can be no total freedom, that 'true freedom' is an impossibility, but think the current democratic system is a problem? What on earth would your solution be?

~ Clara

[James Dean]

This is just to let everyone know that this is not a debate. It is alright to post your opinion, but do not go off and debate against each other. If it starts to get off topic, posts will be deleted.

[ClaraWho]

This is just to let everyone know that this is not a debate. It is alright to post your opinion, but do not go off and debate against each other. If it starts to get off topic, posts will be deleted.

As far as I am aware, debating on topic isn't against the rules? Seems the whole point of asking a question, no?

Unless what you meant to say was debating Off-topic, in which case I did mention several times various other places the chap could take up this issue further. Also that it was going off-topic.

~ Clara

[Uniquemind]

As far as I am aware, debating on topic isn't against the rules? Seems the whole point of asking a question, no?

Unless what you meant to say was debating Off-topic, in which case I did mention several times various other places the chap could take up this issue further. Also that it was going off-topic.

~ Clara

We can continue in Pm's if you'd like Clara.

[EssentialAspiration]

Okay well this got interesting didn't it? For the record I don't believe in viewing women as possessions whatsoever. I may only be 16 years of age but I know that staying with a girl until I find someone new is dishonest is wrong. Hence me breaking my current relationship off

[James Dean]

As far as I am aware, debating on topic isn't against the rules? Seems the whole point of asking a question, no?

Unless what you meant to say was debating Off-topic, in which case I did mention several times various other places the chap could take up this issue further. Also that it was going off-topic.

~ Clara

If it gets to the point to where people are constantly challenging others opinions and going back and forth if it's an advice thread, that's going off topic.

Thank you for understanding. :).

[ClaraWho]

If it gets to the point to where people are constantly challenging others opinions and going back and forth if it's an advice thread, that's going off topic.

Thank you for understanding. :).

Sorry, I don't actually understand. So discussing what the best option is for advising the individual, and laying out said options for the individual, isn't allowed?

Or should we all just pitch unchallenged opinions on advice threads, and nobody learns anything?

~ Clara

[Uniquemind]

If it gets to the point to where people are constantly challenging others opinions and going back and forth if it's an advice thread, that's going off topic.

Thank you for understanding. :).

Also for the record I don't mind.

Clara did accurately point out one of my posts was incoherent. It had loose construction and that made me clarify.


ClaraWho although it would be wise to tone down expectations regarding the literary construction of posts made here. This isn't a formal essay that people are submitting.

I suspect me trying to address too many details of possible choices an OP can make while lumping in historical or half-explained context for all the advice choices given by others creates a chaotic tone to my posts.

I also throw out ideas but that is being mistaken for be only pushing that one path of advice.

I often give conflicting pieces of advice so that OP's have a wide range of choices and perspective taking from their threads.

[James Dean]

As long as your civil and respectful it's ok. If it becomes a fight, that's when it becomes trouble. I'm not blaming anyone, I just want you all to be aware.

This is just a reminder letting you guys know. This is out of respect for the OP.