Not enough time together.

[steve21]

I need some advice:

I met a guy on tinder, he lives about 20 minutes away. We are dating now, and have been for almost three months. During the end of the school year, we both got busy, and were only able to see each other once a week at the most. This bothered me a lot, and I would often get very lonely and anxious at about the midway point when we would see each other. We were both able to make it work, because he kept reassuring me that we would have way more time when summer break started. Now that we have been on break for a week, I am seeing that as much as we are trying, we are not hanging out for more than two or three hours at a time once a week. I love him and being with him has helped my confidence and he makes me happier than anybody, but I get so lonely when he is not around. Is it worth it to break up with him, or should I keep going and just try to make it work with the very little time we have together?

[skittle]

Are you guys not hanging out now because you're still both busy, or just because you can't find anything to do? Are both of you genuinely trying to find time for each other?

You say he lives close. If you're having trouble finding time to go out and do activities together, maybe you could just meet and hang out? 20 minutes away doesn't seem like it would require that much planning, and last-minute becomes a possibility. Do you spent time at each other's houses? If anything, you could meet halfway. If there are any places near your houses that you could hang out (coffee shops, parks, restaurants, pools, etc.) try and arrange to meet.

If you are truly lonely and it's too difficult to cope with this kind of relationship, maybe it'd be worth ending things, especially if he does not seem committed and/or is not making an effort to spent time with you. Maybe just try having an honest talk with him about how it's important for your relationship to find the time to see each other more often. He might not be aware of how it's affecting you and once he knows he might start trying harder.

[ClaraWho]

Damn you sound massively needy. Nobody will provide the 24/7 company you want, until you are married and live together. Even then, that's hardly a fair expectation. Sort yourself out and stop passing the blame for the way you feel on to him. Get yourself a therapist and sort out these attachment issues, you'll be happier, and you won't sabotage the decent relationship you have right now.

Obviously if he genuinely isn't making the effort to meet up or spend time with you (which it sounds like he is) then that'd be different.

~ Clara

[steve21]

Damn you sound massively needy. Nobody will provide the 24/7 company you want, until you are married and live together. Even then, that's hardly a fair expectation. Sort yourself out and stop passing the blame for the way you feel on to him. Get yourself a therapist and sort out these attachment issues, you'll be happier, and you won't sabotage the decent relationship you have right now.

Obviously if he genuinely isn't making the effort to meet up or spend time with you (which it sounds like he is) then that'd be different.

~ Clara

The problem is not that one of us isnt making an effort, we are both trying our hardest to meet with each other whenever we get the chance, wherever, weather it be one of our houses or anywhere in between. The problem we both have is the time inbetween, and I am worried that it is causing us more pain that pleasure at this point. I never said I was expecting him to be around 24/7. I just wish we could see each other more than two hours every seven days. I understand that it would be crazy and I am not blaming him for how I feel, I just don't know if this is a healthy relationship anymore.

[ClaraWho]

The problem is not that one of us isnt making an effort, we are both trying our hardest to meet with each other whenever we get the chance, wherever, weather it be one of our houses or anywhere in between. The problem we both have is the time inbetween, and I am worried that it is causing us more pain that pleasure at this point. I never said I was expecting him to be around 24/7. I just wish we could see each other more than two hours every seven days. I understand that it would be crazy and I am not blaming him for how I feel, I just don't know if this is a healthy relationship anymore.

At the risk of repeating myself too many times, to no effect because you aren't properly listening, the problem isn't the distance - it's you.

20 minutes is nothing. Unless you're living together, you're extremely unlikely to get to see someone (outside of a school/work capacity) more than once a week.

You've stated the barriers stopping you meeting more often are genuine. Sort yourself out.

You are being entirely unreasonable with your demands and expectations. This issue with neediness and attachment will sabotage any relationship you are in, by making the other person miserable as they pander to meet your every whim.

~ Clara

[Daily]

Tinders a ho app anyways. What were you expecting from it?

[Faolan]

Tinders a ho app anyways. What were you expecting from it?

^This doesn't really help, nor is it true of this situation.

Anyway, I'm in a similar situation to you. We both have jobs, and scheduling is just so difficult. You have to decide: is it worth it staying together so that you can see each other for 2 hrs a week, or would it cause less pain to both of you just to break it off and go on? Unless you become filthy rich or something and never have to work again, finding time to hang out w people/scheduling a time that works for everyone is never gonna get easier. I hope this helped, but reviewing it it just seems like kind of a hectic comment. Good luck in whatever you decide to do about this

[DoodleSnap]

At the risk of repeating myself too many times, to no effect because you aren't properly listening, the problem isn't the distance - it's you.

20 minutes is nothing. Unless you're living together, you're extremely unlikely to get to see someone (outside of a school/work capacity) more than once a week.

You've stated the barriers stopping you meeting more often are genuine. Sort yourself out.

You are being entirely unreasonable with your demands and expectations. This issue with neediness and attachment will sabotage any relationship you are in, by making the other person miserable as they pander to meet your every whim.

~ Clara
Please try to be nice. Your views are fine, but please be diplomatic with them.

Now, to the OP:
Communication and honesty are the two most important parts of any relationship! Why would one make action with only half the information on their own? Things will go better if you speak to your significant others, and work together to solve the issue rather than leaving it unspoken. These unspoken things put strain on a relationship, and I can tell you that from first-hand advice.
I would say that you should speak to him! Tell him how you feel and what is on your mind. Be honest, and communicate effectively how you are feeling in a calm and neutral way, and whatever course of action the relationship takes, you can make sure that you are both in a better place than someone on their own, not understanding why it had to end. Work together for a solution, and speak about these things when they come up! It does wonders for trust, and has helped me on countless occasions.
Good luck.

[ClaraWho]

Please try to be nice. Your views are fine, but please be diplomatic with them.



Define 'nice'.

~ Clara

[DoodleSnap]

Define 'nice'.

~ Clara
I know from personal experience that some criticism can sometimes be hurtful if it is presented in an accusatory manner. I was just saying that maybe a more positive structure would be easier on the OP, who is going through a difficult time (the reason they came here seeking help!). Sorry if any of this offended.

[ClaraWho]

I know from personal experience that some criticism can sometimes be hurtful if it is presented in an accusatory manner. I was just saying that maybe a more positive structure would be easier on the OP, who is going through a difficult time (the reason they came here seeking help!). Sorry if any of this offended.

Not offensive really, but rather naïve.

'Positive' and 'nice' are two entirely different things. This is an individual who asked for help, not someone to give him sympathy and kind meaningless words.

What I said to him was what he needed to hear, for him to be happier in his life and situation. He then still didn't accept it, so I had to be harsher. I didn't insult him, simply told it as it is, in the way he needed to hear.

Just because someone isn't being sacrin sweet and handholding, doesn't mean it's not being 'nice'.

~ Clara

[BabyGMarie]

I kindaa been in a similiar problem, so if u really love him, my advice to u is let him know about how u feel & maybe things would change but don't break up asap cuss yall can make things change differently if u guys work together