Dark_Desires
June 22nd, 2015, 04:09 PM
Wasn't sure were to put this but i think its best suited to grief or loss.
Apologies in advance for my terrible grammar.
So Last night i called my Bestfriend and we talked and it turned
into her wanting to leave me again and end everything.
Her was she is sick of hurting me over and over again and
She can't do this the constant hurting me and well she just hates
Herself in general and feels like the worst person and can't take
Hurting me or doing this anymore.I kept questioning her why
and it was hard to get a answer but in the end she had to go have dinner
so she said she would call later.
Just a little back story on our Friendship
We have known each other for 5 years+ now and we have
Being in a relationship 2-3 times but her ending it mostly
Because of her getting scared or freaking out or me pushing her away.
Most the 5 years+ we have being Bestfriends and we know each other
better than ourselves at times.Were both pretty mentally messed up
And have both being through a lot and were each others support person.
Anyway i had 3 suicide attempts over the course of Christmas and it put a lot of strain on her and things got really bad and in the end 2 months later she left and said and did whatever she could to push me away until finally she left and got rid of me after we had a sorta fight.
She met my ex bf the night before she left and he decided to cause
trouble and he threatened to show her some blackmail message i sent him.
In the end he kept taking her phone and talking to me and she was just trying to do anything to push me away.
It was the most horrible and heartbreaking thing to happen and even
tho i didn't think i could i somehow survived it and slowly started moving on and trying to do better but mostly i was distracted by work average 45-70 hours a week.
2 months later and i got a friend request from her and we started talking again.It turns out she was Bestfriends with my ex and really close to him
and she broke up with her previous Boyfriend and she loved me and then as soon as she told me or mentioned it my ex bf told her he has feeling for me to.After she came back we had a few fights over him and that i didn't trust him but in the end i let it all go because i was willing to do anything for her to be happy even tho i didn't trust him what so ever and i new he would try to cause trouble again.So after she came back we had a fair few fights and some personal ups and downs and one night we had a huge fight and i didn't want us to so i said your awesome and called her and we stopped fighting and then we talked and learn't a lot of new stuff about each other and it was great sometime after we both agreed we loved each other and things started going really well and i let go and just went with whatever.Our feelings for each other were pretty intense and one night i freaked out a little bit and got worried and freaked out like i used to and then things started going downhill.
From there she got really bad again we had some fights i tried pushing her away she did the same and then one week she asked me to call so i did and her bestfriend who i used to be friends with had a massive go and tried starting a fight and she then blamed me and it turned out my ex told her bestfriend i sexually abused him which i new was untrue and straight after the fight and her blaming me even tho i tried defending her and told her friend to stop yelling at her and leave her alone i was the bad guy.
20 minutes after she left my ex bf messaged me and was trying to be super friendly in a creepy way as in he puts x and faces at the end of everything.
I tried being nice but in the end i asked if what he said was true and he tried avoiding it and making up excuses and then said he had told both my bestfriend and her's and it was true and he wasn't causing trouble and i quote it come up over appropriate conversation.Anyway after i showed a friend and my mother what he said and my bestfriends friend that stole my bestfriends phone and tried having a go.In the with the field i work i threatened to sue him and sent a cease and desist letter and told my Bestfriend that it was a lie and i can't have someone going around lying about me.I ended our conversation saying Goodbye i'm done.
Backstory on the ex bf
my ex bf and i split on bad terms with him leaving me for a
friend of his threatening to kill herself and there mutual bestfriend
telling my ex bf to leave me and anyway i took it badly
And he was the first guy i ever really did stuff with so that didn't help.
When we became friends we quickly hung out a lot and he stayed over
and i used to make a lot of immature jokes and he took it seriously
and wanted to get sexual so one night he not forcefully but kinda
tried doing stuff with me and i was trapped in a corner and let him
But in the end it was okay and i liked it.I'm trying to blame him for
pressuring me and i'm responsible for that situation since i new that he
slept around with people but still.The story he made up and told
my bestfriend and her friend was something about me forcing myself
on him and then blaming my father and saying it was him and not me afterwards even tho when i met him his dad was leaving him and his brother and he was very hurt and upset.Oh and even after we split he kept messaging me drunk and he stalked my Youtube channel to.
She chose to ignore it and we talked and had a fight or two until
She gave me the choice of i can either drop the matter and have her or
if i don't she leaves and that she was using herself to protect him.
In the end i made the choice to drop it and i honestly felt sorry for him
And i didn't want to waste my non blood family's time [there all lawyers and some are pretty evil and crazy good]
So after that things kinda settled slowly and i was hurt and i pushed her away and told her about a stupid suicide plan i had one night when i was really bad and from there we started fighting and i tried my best not to
And she was really trying to push me away again and doing whatever she
could to get rid of me with saying stuff like block me you want to leave me
i don't love you and i almost did but i realized what she was doing and tried
to be there for her.
And the past couple of weeks of her pushing me away my life has fallen apart.My mental health got worse and so has my Medical Condition and
due to someone lying we were about to be homeless and a lot of other stuff.
And i honestly didn't handle things the best and last week i called her and she really tried pushing me away and being hurtful and in the end i was crying and she said to me she needed some space and to ask her aunt for advice and would call me on a certain day.I gave her the space and then she didn't call which she normally always keeps her word and i got worried and tried contacting her and she ignored me so i worried more than called her on Sunday figuring she would be home but she was still out and said i'l call tomorrow.
So back to last night/Monday after the first call she called me back and said
she made up her mind it was over goodbye and i asked why and i was crying and we both said a fair few things.I said to her why is she doing this the one time i need her just to be here while my life is falling apart and i'm losing everything, i then questioned everything and why she was doing this and in the end her mother yelled at her or took her phone i couldn't quite tell its still a blur and i freaked out and hung up.She started removing me from everything and i was pretty upset and already suicidal from the past few days of moving and a lot of stuff.So i said Goodbye to her and told her not to follow me [She made a promise if you go i go or if you kill yourself i follow you]I kinda publicly said Goodbye i'm done to everyone that knows me.
This part is quite triggering but i went kinda nuts with a blade on my arm and my entire wrist to upper arm is covered in deep cut and gashes its bad really bad and while this happened she kept messaging me and even got our mutual bestfriend who we met through to contact me and she said she loved me and cares about me and i kept saying Goodbye until in the end her last message was that she couldn't stop or save me or contact the police or my mother and that she was a shit person and she was sorry.
I read it and closed my account so she wouldn't stop me and i honestly just want to do as much damage as possible which didn't quite work dull blade and passing out.
I woke up a couple of hours later and came back and her account was gone she deactivated which she has never ever done before yet left a few others.
I freaked out and i'm worried she's actually gone through with something stupid and i confessed everything to our mutual bestfriend and he calmed me down and said will fix this and go see her.So its super late and i'm left wondering if my Bestfriend is still alive or if she will ever talk to me again
And i have to go pick up a truck and move my entire house today and my entire army is ruined and my mother knows something is wrong came home drunk and yelled at me before going to bed.
I'm really thankful to anyone that could read all of that and yes i know
its confusing and i should give up on her and leave and all these things
But she is my Bestfriend and even tho i have feelings i would do anything
in this world to help or make my friends happy and i hate seeing her feel
this awful about herself.I know its all messed up and this mite not be in exactly the right situation but if anyone has any advice or some kinda perspective i can't see please tell me i don't want to lose her and i hope
so desperately she hasn't killed herself or harmed herself.
Oh boy i just realized how long this is but least i got it out.
Apologies in advance for my terrible grammar.
So Last night i called my Bestfriend and we talked and it turned
into her wanting to leave me again and end everything.
Her was she is sick of hurting me over and over again and
She can't do this the constant hurting me and well she just hates
Herself in general and feels like the worst person and can't take
Hurting me or doing this anymore.I kept questioning her why
and it was hard to get a answer but in the end she had to go have dinner
so she said she would call later.
Just a little back story on our Friendship
We have known each other for 5 years+ now and we have
Being in a relationship 2-3 times but her ending it mostly
Because of her getting scared or freaking out or me pushing her away.
Most the 5 years+ we have being Bestfriends and we know each other
better than ourselves at times.Were both pretty mentally messed up
And have both being through a lot and were each others support person.
Anyway i had 3 suicide attempts over the course of Christmas and it put a lot of strain on her and things got really bad and in the end 2 months later she left and said and did whatever she could to push me away until finally she left and got rid of me after we had a sorta fight.
She met my ex bf the night before she left and he decided to cause
trouble and he threatened to show her some blackmail message i sent him.
In the end he kept taking her phone and talking to me and she was just trying to do anything to push me away.
It was the most horrible and heartbreaking thing to happen and even
tho i didn't think i could i somehow survived it and slowly started moving on and trying to do better but mostly i was distracted by work average 45-70 hours a week.
2 months later and i got a friend request from her and we started talking again.It turns out she was Bestfriends with my ex and really close to him
and she broke up with her previous Boyfriend and she loved me and then as soon as she told me or mentioned it my ex bf told her he has feeling for me to.After she came back we had a few fights over him and that i didn't trust him but in the end i let it all go because i was willing to do anything for her to be happy even tho i didn't trust him what so ever and i new he would try to cause trouble again.So after she came back we had a fair few fights and some personal ups and downs and one night we had a huge fight and i didn't want us to so i said your awesome and called her and we stopped fighting and then we talked and learn't a lot of new stuff about each other and it was great sometime after we both agreed we loved each other and things started going really well and i let go and just went with whatever.Our feelings for each other were pretty intense and one night i freaked out a little bit and got worried and freaked out like i used to and then things started going downhill.
From there she got really bad again we had some fights i tried pushing her away she did the same and then one week she asked me to call so i did and her bestfriend who i used to be friends with had a massive go and tried starting a fight and she then blamed me and it turned out my ex told her bestfriend i sexually abused him which i new was untrue and straight after the fight and her blaming me even tho i tried defending her and told her friend to stop yelling at her and leave her alone i was the bad guy.
20 minutes after she left my ex bf messaged me and was trying to be super friendly in a creepy way as in he puts x and faces at the end of everything.
I tried being nice but in the end i asked if what he said was true and he tried avoiding it and making up excuses and then said he had told both my bestfriend and her's and it was true and he wasn't causing trouble and i quote it come up over appropriate conversation.Anyway after i showed a friend and my mother what he said and my bestfriends friend that stole my bestfriends phone and tried having a go.In the with the field i work i threatened to sue him and sent a cease and desist letter and told my Bestfriend that it was a lie and i can't have someone going around lying about me.I ended our conversation saying Goodbye i'm done.
Backstory on the ex bf
my ex bf and i split on bad terms with him leaving me for a
friend of his threatening to kill herself and there mutual bestfriend
telling my ex bf to leave me and anyway i took it badly
And he was the first guy i ever really did stuff with so that didn't help.
When we became friends we quickly hung out a lot and he stayed over
and i used to make a lot of immature jokes and he took it seriously
and wanted to get sexual so one night he not forcefully but kinda
tried doing stuff with me and i was trapped in a corner and let him
But in the end it was okay and i liked it.I'm trying to blame him for
pressuring me and i'm responsible for that situation since i new that he
slept around with people but still.The story he made up and told
my bestfriend and her friend was something about me forcing myself
on him and then blaming my father and saying it was him and not me afterwards even tho when i met him his dad was leaving him and his brother and he was very hurt and upset.Oh and even after we split he kept messaging me drunk and he stalked my Youtube channel to.
She chose to ignore it and we talked and had a fight or two until
She gave me the choice of i can either drop the matter and have her or
if i don't she leaves and that she was using herself to protect him.
In the end i made the choice to drop it and i honestly felt sorry for him
And i didn't want to waste my non blood family's time [there all lawyers and some are pretty evil and crazy good]
So after that things kinda settled slowly and i was hurt and i pushed her away and told her about a stupid suicide plan i had one night when i was really bad and from there we started fighting and i tried my best not to
And she was really trying to push me away again and doing whatever she
could to get rid of me with saying stuff like block me you want to leave me
i don't love you and i almost did but i realized what she was doing and tried
to be there for her.
And the past couple of weeks of her pushing me away my life has fallen apart.My mental health got worse and so has my Medical Condition and
due to someone lying we were about to be homeless and a lot of other stuff.
And i honestly didn't handle things the best and last week i called her and she really tried pushing me away and being hurtful and in the end i was crying and she said to me she needed some space and to ask her aunt for advice and would call me on a certain day.I gave her the space and then she didn't call which she normally always keeps her word and i got worried and tried contacting her and she ignored me so i worried more than called her on Sunday figuring she would be home but she was still out and said i'l call tomorrow.
So back to last night/Monday after the first call she called me back and said
she made up her mind it was over goodbye and i asked why and i was crying and we both said a fair few things.I said to her why is she doing this the one time i need her just to be here while my life is falling apart and i'm losing everything, i then questioned everything and why she was doing this and in the end her mother yelled at her or took her phone i couldn't quite tell its still a blur and i freaked out and hung up.She started removing me from everything and i was pretty upset and already suicidal from the past few days of moving and a lot of stuff.So i said Goodbye to her and told her not to follow me [She made a promise if you go i go or if you kill yourself i follow you]I kinda publicly said Goodbye i'm done to everyone that knows me.
This part is quite triggering but i went kinda nuts with a blade on my arm and my entire wrist to upper arm is covered in deep cut and gashes its bad really bad and while this happened she kept messaging me and even got our mutual bestfriend who we met through to contact me and she said she loved me and cares about me and i kept saying Goodbye until in the end her last message was that she couldn't stop or save me or contact the police or my mother and that she was a shit person and she was sorry.
I read it and closed my account so she wouldn't stop me and i honestly just want to do as much damage as possible which didn't quite work dull blade and passing out.
I woke up a couple of hours later and came back and her account was gone she deactivated which she has never ever done before yet left a few others.
I freaked out and i'm worried she's actually gone through with something stupid and i confessed everything to our mutual bestfriend and he calmed me down and said will fix this and go see her.So its super late and i'm left wondering if my Bestfriend is still alive or if she will ever talk to me again
And i have to go pick up a truck and move my entire house today and my entire army is ruined and my mother knows something is wrong came home drunk and yelled at me before going to bed.
I'm really thankful to anyone that could read all of that and yes i know
its confusing and i should give up on her and leave and all these things
But she is my Bestfriend and even tho i have feelings i would do anything
in this world to help or make my friends happy and i hate seeing her feel
this awful about herself.I know its all messed up and this mite not be in exactly the right situation but if anyone has any advice or some kinda perspective i can't see please tell me i don't want to lose her and i hope
so desperately she hasn't killed herself or harmed herself.
Oh boy i just realized how long this is but least i got it out.