Alone

[haibekah]

Hey guys,

I didn't really know where to put this. I guessed this would be the right spot.

Lately I've been feeling really alone..and just empty. A couple years ago I developed an eating disorder (anorexia) and I started cutting. Since then it's been on and off for both. This time though, feels so different. This relapse feels so..i can't even describe it. I have a boyfriend, and i live with his family. When i was seven, my mom died of cancer. When i was eight, my brother started to sexually abuse me, and then he got caught and put into another home. Now, after 7 years of being an alcoholic, my dad killed himself last september (2007). Shortly after the death of my dad i relapsed into my anorexia and the cutting. And eventually got back into eating, and staying safe. Now, about a week ago, i completely relapsed. I've been cutting in places I haven't before, and i haven't eaten anything for a few days. I hate food. I don't even feel hungry anymore.

Yesterday, i cut myself on my leg. It felt so good to get all of the feelings out. I have a horrible time telling anyone how i feel. I had this one counselor a couple months ago, and she told me once "With all the other girls, it's like the come in here, start bawling and tell me what's wrong. With you, you won't say ANYTHING until i dig, and get it out of you on my own." I hate that about myself. I can't stand letting people know how i feel.

I've always been the support. Anyone needs help, here's bekah, at your service. My brother did it. My dad did it, and now my boyfriend's parents do it. I feel so useless, and awful. I have this best friend, and she even does it. Everytime she needs help, i'm right there. When i need help, i either can't spit it out, or she says "it'll be alright" and changes the subject. I hate telling people about my eating disorder, and the cutting because i know they'll try to stop me. This is one thing i can control.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't go to a regular school, because it's way to hard on my head. I walk around all day with a smile on my face, repressing all the hate, guilt, everything. I bottle and bottle and bottle.

I have a boyfriend, and the first time i cut myself after my dad died he told me "if you ever do that again, i'll break up with you." I tried playing a video game, and my wrist started to hurt and he laughed at me.

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to get better. I just want someone there.

HELP?!
What should i do?

[brokenfaerie]

that has to be very hard! i understand where you are coming from and i've been there too. its SO hard just to say how you really feel and i struggled to do that too. is it possible to email your friend whats going on with you? its less personal and you can express how you really feel and tell her all about how you don't want her to react and how she can be supportive because these things aren't easy for people to hear and sometimes they need to be told how to react. the best way to get help from someone is to tell them how they can help you. you've been through a lot and deserve to feel good about something!

[haibekah]

last time i tried talking to her, she ran uptairs, locked herself in the bathroom and told me i made her uncomfortable. All she did was make me promise i wouldn't do it again, and that i'd start eating.

i promised her, but obviously have broken the promise.

if i told her, i'm scared she would tell me she doesn't want me around. I know that's probably an unlikely scenario, but i know her. she'll just change the subject, and make me promise again. Or tell me it's either the eating and cutting or her. I just know i'm not ready to recover yet.

It's so frustrating.
Her support would consist of
"it'll be alright. KSO I HEARD THIS NEW SONG"

it makes me feel so unimportant.

[japanman]

This is just messed up this must have been hard for you to go through this. I dont know wat to say to help the only help as already been posted. I hope you make it thorugh this.= (

[brokenfaerie]

then don't let her change the subject. make her feel like the guilty one. tell her you can't do it on your own and that you want her support in getting better. and that this doesn't just go away and its not as simple as eating or quitting. things aren't that black and white. it would be a hard conversation i'm not saying it would be easy at all. but tell that when she runs and hides it just leaves you alone and it makes you question her love you. let her know that it would helpful just to know that she's there for you to listen. because part of being a good friend is sitting through the uncomfortable situations. i can help you plan out the conversation if you want.

[haibekah]

You're right.
Today, when i saw her, i dropped a hint about the cutting thing.
And she said "it's stupid. i feel bad for people who do that."
i just sat there like
D:

Earlier today, when i was at my school thing; the counselor lady came over to my desk and she talked to me for a few minutes. she asked me how my weekend was and everything. I wanted to just say "I haven't eaten anything in three days, and my legs look like i wear barbed wire as underwear." But i couldn't. I just said "Fine, good." and she kept walking. No matter how hard i friggen try, it's like. i choke. everytime.

i'm gonna try talking to my bestfriend about everything though. if she doesn't respond the way i find she should, then i dunno. ill figure it out.

one of the things im really scared of is being put somewhere or like.. treatment or whatever. thats my worst fear right now.

blarrrrg.

[brokenfaerie]

i know how you feel. i'm one suicide attempt from being thrown into the state mental institution. but treatments isn't bad at all. i've been in the psych ward 3 times and it can be real helpful and you meet people who struggling with similar things and you get used to saying whats wrong out loud. thats the biggest step.

i know how you feel about school councelors. a couple of years ago i went to mine because i planned on telling him i wasn't eating. i brought it up like "i don't feel i have any control over my life and..." and i was gonna finish with "and the only way i can control it is with what i put in my mouth." but he interrupted me and gave me a lecture on how teens can only control who they choose as friends, how they do at school, and what they eat and do with their bodies. and then he says "and i can tell you have no issues with eating!" well that was a slap in the face and i just walked out of his office. so i understand how hard it is to tell whats wrong.

[haibekah]

Today, my old school counselor came in, cause she moved to another school, and we talked. I told her that this relapse is a lot worse then my past ones. I told her it feels more permanent. I told her about the cutting and everything too. It made me feel a lot better.

I hate that (about your counselor). Its like, just because we're not skin and bones, doesn't mean we don't have a problem.

I know that treatment would help. I'm just not ready to get help with it. like you said, its the one thing you actually CAN control.

[brokenfaerie]

yeah i'm in that boat with you. i'm not ready to give up ana since she hasn't given up on me.

but i am SO glad you told your old counselor!!!

[haibekah]

She knew about it and everything. She told me that whenever i need to talk to her to just call.

:D



So i told my best-friend about the eating thing.

Her reaction is basically:

bekah! says:
i'm not eating again
christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
... BEKAH!
bekah! says:
it feels different this time too
bekah! says:
it feels..permanent
christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
please no :|
bekah! says:
i just
bekah! says:
i dunno
bekah! says:
its been a few days
bekah! says:
dont tell anyone
christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
obviously not.
bekah! says:
not even your mom or anything
christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
i won't. i swear.
bekah! says:
i feel so different
bekah! says:
im not hungry any more
christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
D:
christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
bekah, you have to eat.


&


christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
maybe you need to go to those clinic things.
christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
brb pat is on his way to get his bag.
bekah! says:
bekah! says:
all i know is that im not ready to recover yet
brb /christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
but i want you to recover.
brb /christina. ugh, i hate being sick, it sucks my huge balls that i don't have. says:
brb
bekah! says:
kk
bekah! says:
but you have to understand that its me

She just doesn't get it. She thinks shoving food down the throat is going to solve it.

[brokenfaerie]

yeah thats tough. but at least she's talking about it with you. could you try explaining your reasoning for not wanting to recover yet. because people saying "you need to go get help" does nothing. it makes you just want to smack them and say "haha....yeah right....not happening!" sometimes you have to spoon feed them what to say to you that would make you feel supported.

this site might help:

http://www.mirror-mirror.org/applove.htm

[haibekah]

Thanks, i'm going to show her that.

We haven't talked about it since then. I've been telling her i'm eating again. I hate lying to her. But i'll she her this, and see what she says.

Thanks so much. You're so much help! It's nice having someone there!

<3

[brokenfaerie]

your so strong girl!!!

[VCSCjosie]

wow hun i am sooo sorry.yea i have battled anorexia and bulimia for quite awhile but i am now recovered partially, and i must say it is veryhard to stop. You might have a couple of relapses just as i did, it's oging to be a long journey oyu just have to start doing other things wwhen you feel like cutting or not eating, trust me i know it's sounds lame but it's true. go on a quick run and blare your music or something. it works. tell your self it's not worth putting you body and mind through the stupid game. i feel for you hun and i am soo sorry about you mom and dad. and your brother abusing you.
you don't deserve that but i beleive you will be strong.
i am here if you ever want to send me a personal message or talk because i know EXACTLY what your going through.
juts try and beleive in yourself and stay strong. eat little but enough to where you are full. hope all is ok today and tommorrow, :) im sorry hun.
-josie