Should I forgive?

[Primenumber]

Okay, I am writing here to explain my messed up relationship with my father (the title does not really fit, since i do not believe this is the question of forgiveness)
My parents divorced around four years ago, and untill then my dad was my best friend. I do not want to go into details but it was a very very nasty divorce. My mom was depressed and suicidal, which she desperately tried to hide from me, and my brother wasn't even 2 yet. Except for initiating the divorce (that neither me or my mom believe was necessary) he did some bad things that he didn't have to do.
Since then I have had depression and anxiety, and been through a lot, which has changed the way I am today.
I need to give him credit here because he comes and visits us (only me and my brother, my parents can't stand to see each other) regularly in another country that we moved to after, and partly due to the divorce. He says he loves us.
However, I cannot love him, at least not fully. I hate him for what he did to my mom, to my brother, to me. He has a gf that i can't stand to see, to hear her voice.
I do spend time with him, watch movies etc. He does not know me at all.
This situation is bothering me, i don't think there is any advice you can give me, as i simply can't forgive him. Idk maybe this is just a family rant, but thank you for all advice anyway.

[Jaffe]

I don't believe you ever have to forgive, that's an entirely personal choice.
But even without forgiving, you can try to understand others, and decide to let them live how they want.
Have you tried talking to your dad? Has either parent explained to you their side of the story? Have you given both parents equal chance to do that?
I'm not saying you have to feel anything. You don't have to forgive, or love, or get to know them, or let them get to know you.
I'm just saying being tolerant enough to let them each live how they want to, no matter what that is, might give you some peace.

[northy]

Okay, I am writing here to explain my messed up relationship with my father (the title does not really fit, since i do not believe this is the question of forgiveness)
My parents divorced around four years ago, and untill then my dad was my best friend. I do not want to go into details but it was a very very nasty divorce. My mom was depressed and suicidal, which she desperately tried to hide from me, and my brother wasn't even 2 yet. Except for initiating the divorce (that neither me or my mom believe was necessary) he did some bad things that he didn't have to do.
Since then I have had depression and anxiety, and been through a lot, which has changed the way I am today.
I need to give him credit here because he comes and visits us (only me and my brother, my parents can't stand to see each other) regularly in another country that we moved to after, and partly due to the divorce. He says he loves us.
However, I cannot love him, at least not fully. I hate him for what he did to my mom, to my brother, to me. He has a gf that i can't stand to see, to hear her voice.
I do spend time with him, watch movies etc. He does not know me at all.
This situation is bothering me, i don't think there is any advice you can give me, as i simply can't forgive him. Idk maybe this is just a family rant, but thank you for all advice anyway.

Do what your gut says. Is the cause of the divorce his? Can you really not love him? It's obviously bothering you so much that you wanted to talk about it? Maybe deep down you think that he can be forgiven, but the question is do you want to? If your father died, would you be sad? Use this to base your decision on and what you want is most important. Maybe you should talk to a close friend about it when making your decision. Only you can know.

[Primenumber]

Do what your gut says. Is the cause of the divorce his? Can you really not love him? It's obviously bothering you so much that you wanted to talk about it? Maybe deep down you think that he can be forgiven, but the question is do you want to? If your father died, would you be sad? Use this to base your decision on and what you want is most important. Maybe you should talk to a close friend about it when making your decision. Only you can know.

I do not know if i can love him. I don't trust him. The divorce was his decision, he said it is because of all the arguments they have had in the previous years. If he died i would be sad. But if my science teacher died, i would also be sad. Or my friends dad.
I don't know if there is a decision to make. I guess the best i can do is just live on, leave it like it is, maybe someday i will know what to do.

Thank you for your responses guys:yummy:

[ClaraWho]

I do not know if i can love him. I don't trust him. The divorce was his decision, he said it is because of all the arguments they have had in the previous years. If he died i would be sad. But if my science teacher died, i would also be sad. Or my friends dad.
I don't know if there is a decision to make. I guess the best i can do is just live on, leave it like it is, maybe someday i will know what to do.

Thank you for your responses guys:yummy:

Well people get divorced. It happens. They were together and things happened long before you were even around. Nobody should stay in a relationship they don't want to be in, kids or not. They should of course make the effort and do everything they can to still be a proper parent to those offspring. You seem to blame him for the divorce, as if it was the wrong thing to do. But it was his choice and apart from practical and geographical issues, it shouldn't change anything.

Of course, it sounds like you feel/he may have been vindictive and inappropriate in his actions during the divorce. You never have to forgive anyone. Forgiving and loving are two things which are sometimes impossible to earn. That is purely your prerogative. It may help to try to talk to him about it directly, hearing his side of the story, and most importantly saying how you feel.

Depression is anger turned inwards, pent up. It's the feeling of an inability to address an issue or issues. Depression causes anxiety (due to chemical imbalances and constant activation of the 'fight or flight' response. Have you considered therapy/counselling? It sounds like you and your mother would really benefit from talking this through with a therapists added perspective.

For now, if you have some quiet time to yourself, get a pillow on your bed and start hitting it whilst thinking about the divorce. It sounds and will seem really silly at first, but keep going and forget being self conscious. This should help bring up that anger to the surface, but I really do advise counselling alongside as it can be overwhelming

Take care,

~ Clara

[Straya]

Okay, I am writing here to explain my messed up relationship with my father (the title does not really fit, since i do not believe this is the question of forgiveness)
My parents divorced around four years ago, and untill then my dad was my best friend. I do not want to go into details but it was a very very nasty divorce. My mom was depressed and suicidal, which she desperately tried to hide from me, and my brother wasn't even 2 yet. Except for initiating the divorce (that neither me or my mom believe was necessary) he did some bad things that he didn't have to do.
Since then I have had depression and anxiety, and been through a lot, which has changed the way I am today.
I need to give him credit here because he comes and visits us (only me and my brother, my parents can't stand to see each other) regularly in another country that we moved to after, and partly due to the divorce. He says he loves us.
However, I cannot love him, at least not fully. I hate him for what he did to my mom, to my brother, to me. He has a gf that i can't stand to see, to hear her voice.
I do spend time with him, watch movies etc. He does not know me at all.
This situation is bothering me, i don't think there is any advice you can give me, as i simply can't forgive him. Idk maybe this is just a family rant, but thank you for all advice anyway.

you cant blame him for divorcing your mum just because you and your mum think it didnt need to happen he obviously wasnt happy with your mother anymore and in that situation it is better to cut ties and credit to him for actually trying to be apart of your life