I am Insensitive[Depressive Rant/Vent]

[Microcosm]

I haven't been this depressed in quite a long time. I cannot even cry anymore. I've realized that my condemnation is unlike the condemnation of others. It seems as if the depression I feel is not a chemical imbalance, but rather it is the immense sadness that comes with the insensitivity of attempting to conceptualize everything. I was discussing my brother's mental illness with my family today, and I called it a choice. I told him his life was inherently meaningless and there is no way around it. I said that the best he could do was find a reason to live, and then I told him there was no reason to live. My logic in saying that was so far off, insensitive, and sarcastic sounding that I myself was surprised at myself. I apologized, but my other brother still wanted to put me down about it.

It's as if everything I think is wrong and insensitive, as if it were too bare, too true. So true theoretically that it was actually not true at all. It was just random babbling. I am depressed. Immensely at the moment. I cannot find a solution. The only thing I am permitted to do is wallow in my sorrows like an animal, never achieving anything. Is this what depression feels like? Is this my ultimate condemnation? I am so insensitive and disconnected from my emotions that I cannot cry. I actually can't. If I tried I would be forcing myself, and it is difficult even if I try.

There was another incident with one of my friends a couple of weeks ago in which I just started listing everything that was wrong with her. I told her so bluntly that she was being arrogant most of the time and stubborn in everything she did. She is pretty stubborn most of the time. That is what I personally think. Is that wrong to think that? Is it wrong to judge someone in this way even if such judgement is deserving? There is no right or wrong answer. I will never know because we all disagree, or perhaps I am the only one who thinks this way and I am a psychopath.

Speaking of being a psychopath, the extent to which I try to solve my problems in the most emotionless and insensitive ways could one day lead me to do horrific things. This could be the mindset that Hitler had in his genocide. I don't even know what is wrong with me, but what is wrong with me is not only the worst part. The worst part is that I cannot feel sympathy for myself in tears. I cannot cry and tell myself to let it out. My emotions are disconnected. I am a beast, an animal to rationality. So much so, in fact, that I no longer feel rational at all. It's as if I am assuming that emotions have no basis in reason, when it would clearly seem that they do.

And there I go again calling myself rational! Now I'm stuck up. I am calling myself smart. That is bad, as well. I'm a selfish person, I think at heart. But then again, how could I know? At this moment, death feels appropriate when this is approached to such a psycho-rational sense as I am attempting to take it. This has shown me that, if I wanted to, I could justify genocide in my mind. I could make myself think that something like that was a good idea if I wanted to. Just this night I was feeling like totalitarianism was a good idea. I still am thinking that it is, that somehow it would be best to be controlled. Of course, the confines of how I was contemplating it was not to be controlled by man. I was contemplating using Shir'ah law of the Quran and how something like that is justifiable as long as one believes in the Qur'an. It is justifiable, in my opinion, if you really think about how such a society would work.

I digress. My insensitivity towards emotions is killing me. No one forgives me for it. Should they? Insensitivity is sinful beyond measure. We cannot measure it as a crime, but it is taking others' emotions as mere creations of their minds that they can control, which is, by definition, wrong.

Perhaps I should just keep myself from people and important conversations. I ruin them every time. I am depressed, insensitive, and unable to cope. I am stuck in a constant loop of depression which I myself cannot even feel. I cannot understand it and can't even feel it whatsoever.

This was only a rant. I apologize if the moderators feel this is in the wrong forum. If this does not belong in this section, perhaps it could be moved to TWPR. That is the place for rants, after all. However, I was thinking maybe someone out there would have some kind of advice to give.

Thanks in advance. Also, please use the Rainbow Dash mention if you'd like to respond to this post. It makes it easier for me to keep up with.

[xXoblivionXx]

hey Rainbow Dash

Having to deal with complex emotions every day really sucks. It's hard and sometimes seems best if we just avoid them but the only way to get better is if you don't keep it in and talk about it. I'm always here for you if you want to talk/ just need someone to listen. Sometimes at night when I'm really low I want to cry but can't. I just feel like a bundle of sorrow incapable of crying and just accepting of the fact that this is the way things are. But sometimes if someone talks to me asking if I'm okay or what's wrong. I realize that what I'm feeling is real and that life sucks at the moment and I'll start crying and I really hate crying in front of people. my point is maybe if you feel like you aren't feeling anything it's because you may be in denial? I suppose it's possible that you are incapable of feeling emotion. Have you ever been psychologically assessed? that's probably the best way to deal with what you are going through, more effective than staying away from people. You are a very intellectual person, society need more people like that. From what I've seen on VT, I don't think you are insensitive. From what you described perhaps you are just a blunt person. Especially when giving someone advice in regards to mental health, people want to provide comfort and help. But sometimes what a person needs in order to change and get better is to not sugar coat it.

this reply was suppose to be longer but I was typing it on my phone and then it accidentally refreshed the page and deleted >.<

[Microcosm]

xXoblivionXx,

Thanks for your thoughtful response. When I say I am insensitive, I don't think it is natural most of the time. Rather, it is just bouts of insensitivity that randomly occur. Like, I'll completely lose my care for others' emotions and just start listing off what's wrong with them. I think the best thing I can do is to just make a conscious effort to refrain from doing that... I have been psychologically assessed before, but it was for depression. I have since been medicated and am still medicated for that. Whenever I'm depressed now, I always feel as if it is fake, like I'm making myself be depressed. That's how disconnected I am from my emotions.

As for being in denial, I think you are probably right on that. I was denying the fact that depression is a real chemical imbalance in the brain that cannot be dealt with by simply "deciding" to stop it. It should've been obvious, but at the time it wasn't. So yes, perhaps I was in denial.

I must continue to work on connecting with my emotions and realizing that these are real problems that must be dealt with with care. Thanks for responding. It means a lot to me.

[xXoblivionXx]

it's not necessarily you're fault that you are depressed. I've tried two different kinds of anti depressants and neither really worked for me, so now I'm on a mood stabilizer instead. I think even if it's not a chemical imbalance it's not exactly your fault that you may think in a negative way. you're surroundings have such a big impact on your subconscious. there's so much violence, hate, and injustice in the world it almost seems hard to NOT be depressed. So yes, keep working on trying to see the good in life and connecting with your emotions. therapy might be a good way to work with emotions.

[Airam]

You are not a psychopath. You are a logician. You are a philosopher, you are overanalytical to the point where you get lost in your own thought process. The things you say are probably true, at least from your point of view, but you need to realize that people do not like hearing them. I mean, just imagine some smartass telling you what they think is wrong with you.
The problem here is, good advice and logical solutions are not adequate to most peoples problems. For someone who has lost a loved one, it does not help to list the stages of grief to them, or tell them when they should "get over it". And if someone is depressed, the worst thing you can do is to tell them to find a reason to live, especially that depression is an acctual illness, that not only causes imbalance in chemicals such as seretonin, but also physically affects the brain cell connections, specifically in the hippocampus.
There is nothing wrong with you. Its just your personality. I am like that too (my friend calls me the coldhearted scientist), and i have learnt to keep my thoughts for myself, and insted send rays of fake, positive energy that holds so meaning whatsoever but seems to appeal to people more:yeah:.
If you don't know your myers briggs personality type, you should try and check that out. It helped me to know and accept myself better (im an INTP).
Otherwise just be happy with who you are (lamest advice EVER but it works)
And do not feel selfish for thinking you are smart, you do seem smart based on your post.