AmuraVasendiu
June 7th, 2015, 08:00 PM
It's been almost a year. Ten months and three days since I last had a reason to visit this forum. It's funny, really...in a sick way, not a humorous way; I missed being here. Not the reason for it, of course, but the knowledge I wasn't alone.
Today is day zero. I got mad, I was angry and rejected and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I loved the feeling of it. I was always too much of a pussy to do it proper, with a knife; I'd press it against my skin and imagine it but never got the courage to actually....cut.
Instead, I use an alternative method, but for your sakes I won't describe it. I didn't want to...I punched the wall, made my knuckles bloody, and I'm a very closed-off person. I don't hit things, ever. But in the end, my knuckles were bloody and so is my arm.
Fuck. In my experience, my own personal experience, mine take around 2-3 weeks to scab, heal and reduce themselves into a little red scar in my arm. A lot of people, I know, feel like arm SHers do it for attention, but it's not like that. It's just that, I've only -ever- dime it on my arm. When I get the urge, my arm itches and aches and I've never really considered doing it anywhere else. On my arm, it feels...right.
Thing is, I have a six-week summer program to attend that starts in exactly six days. It's my third time there, and my first summer, they noticed my scars: "No worries," I told the counselor that called me out on it. It's a coping mechanism, some small form of control in a chaotic life. I know why I do it; I don't know how to stop. It won't be a problem here. Here, where I am so happy and full of purpose. Mine are more conspicuous than the mark of a razor's edge.
This had devolved into a rant, but how do I stop this once and for all? How do I hide an ugly, hideous wound/scab from these people I care so much for? How can I make it heal faster?
Today is day zero. I got mad, I was angry and rejected and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I loved the feeling of it. I was always too much of a pussy to do it proper, with a knife; I'd press it against my skin and imagine it but never got the courage to actually....cut.
Instead, I use an alternative method, but for your sakes I won't describe it. I didn't want to...I punched the wall, made my knuckles bloody, and I'm a very closed-off person. I don't hit things, ever. But in the end, my knuckles were bloody and so is my arm.
Fuck. In my experience, my own personal experience, mine take around 2-3 weeks to scab, heal and reduce themselves into a little red scar in my arm. A lot of people, I know, feel like arm SHers do it for attention, but it's not like that. It's just that, I've only -ever- dime it on my arm. When I get the urge, my arm itches and aches and I've never really considered doing it anywhere else. On my arm, it feels...right.
Thing is, I have a six-week summer program to attend that starts in exactly six days. It's my third time there, and my first summer, they noticed my scars: "No worries," I told the counselor that called me out on it. It's a coping mechanism, some small form of control in a chaotic life. I know why I do it; I don't know how to stop. It won't be a problem here. Here, where I am so happy and full of purpose. Mine are more conspicuous than the mark of a razor's edge.
This had devolved into a rant, but how do I stop this once and for all? How do I hide an ugly, hideous wound/scab from these people I care so much for? How can I make it heal faster?