Caution. May contain strong traces of moaning.

[Holmes]

Hello people.

So, I've known this girl for about a year and and a half we've always been friends. I met her at a show and I knew straight away that she liked me. I found her quite annoying at first to be honest but I soon discovered how much she really meant to me. So anyway, we started going out before last Christmas, thing started to hit it off and by January we were together. It was her first relationship and the first time I had been with someone and truly let them into my life and fully opened up to them.

We had loads of really really great times together and it was going swimmingly, we were making plans for the future and doing other generic coupley things you probably don't care about. However as our exams began (my AS levels, her GCSEs) thing became very difficult for both of us. I began to suffer from acute depression and I could tell it was having an effect on her. Nevertheless we still managed to cope even with the occasional argument. She began to get very stressed about her exams too so I tried to support her with them but she kept becoming more and more distant. I let her know that by the summer everything would be okay and we could be all stress free and stuff...

Anywho, we had an argument that I admitted was my fault and apologised for but she then insisted we needed space (even though by this point I hadn't seen her for about three weeks and was quite upset about the fact that she was going out without me).

After a week of not talking, she tells me that she had time to realise we just don't work as a couple and that it was over. She wanted us to still be friends but we had a fight and it looks as if she never wants to speak to me again. She seems to have replaced me and all of our mates with new ones in the space of about a week. But I can't get her out of my head and the thoughts of giving her time after her exams and waiting until she comes round seem futile but they're really all I have to hope for.

What the fuck am I meant to do now?
Did she ever really care for me?
Also thanks for taking time out of your day to read that...if you did read it that is...

[Bmble_B]

It seems like she really did care about you, but thanks to your exams and emotional turmoil it caused, it just ruined things between you two. You can try talking to her again, but I wouldn't say it's worth it if she replaced you in less than a week. That means that she doesn't care about your feelings anymore and has moved on. This may not be what you want to hear but you should do the same, don't wait for her when she zoomed past you. Try finding hobbies to take your mind off of her. Hope I helped? :(

[Holmes]

Thank you so very much for the reply. It's not so much that she replaced me or has moved on but has gathered a new friendship circle seemingly out of nowhere. But d'you think I should forgive her if she was to come back? And also I think you're completely right with the whole hobbies thing.

[Bmble_B]

Thank you so very much for the reply. It's not so much that she replaced me or has moved on but has gathered a new friendship circle seemingly out of nowhere. But d'you think I should forgive her if she was to come back? And also I think you're completely right with the whole hobbies thing.

That's up to you, you know the situation better than I do, if you think she's worth forgiving great! If you don't think she is still great! It's up to you

[Uniquemind]

Thank you so very much for the reply. It's not so much that she replaced me or has moved on but has gathered a new friendship circle seemingly out of nowhere. But d'you think I should forgive her if she was to come back? And also I think you're completely right with the whole hobbies thing.

To you it seems like it came out of nowhere.

Girls always tend to deal with internal struggles first, and once those are resolved they have a new charted path of action they execute on very quickly but because this is all mental, guys don't see it unless their abnormally perceptive.

Usually guys see only outward behavior actions and by the time actions happen the girl's already made up her mind. If a guy wants to change their fate they've got to nip the problem in the bud before it starts while she's mentally considering leaving you.

You fall into a large pattern of a stretch of time where you had minimal or no contact with each other, this is very common to couples preceding a breakup because communication between the individuals gets out of sync.

Also when this happens the chemical in the brain that create all the oxytocin and hot and heavy lusty and love feelings fade during the absence.

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but what it can also do is kill the fire. Unattended fires of attraction go out just like campfires do overnight if not constantly fed. Except in this case stirring that hormonal pot fire.


When this happens you CANNOT blame the other person unless the reason for a fight directly has evidence to suggest someone broke one clearly discussed rule in the relationship that should've been hashed out when the relationship started.

Even in that case all arguments should be made with the context of what to do going forward UNLESS breaking up is what one wants.


However some criteria of relationships are impractical like "not wanting the other to associate with the opposite sex in normal settings" life doesn't make that practical....sorry. Anti-Cheating on the other hand is a practical expectation.


You can discuss analytics of how fights break out, you can trace relationship history together, but you must always work to progress previous errors.


The reason she is avoiding you is you guys at every attempt to even reconcile, your emotion snuck up in those "conversation-apologies" for a previous fight, caused another fight which invalidates the stated verbal apology.

This causes both men and women, but especially women to lose trust in what a man says.

Therefore they avoid them entirely, this is the position your emotional outburst blaming unfortunately placed you in before you could check yourself.


Assuming you have enough posts in these forums (100+) send me a PM and I might be able to give you some advice moving forward.

[ClaraWho]

So you blame your depression and difficulty managing stress as the reason for the demise of the relationship. My advice would be to not pursue her, her mind has been made up. Maybe she will come back, she was with you for a while so obviously at one point she did care for you, even if those feelings faded.

If she did come back now, nothing would change though. The problem(s) that drove her away still exist. So concentrate on yourself. Seek counselling from a therapist and speak to your doctor about your depression. Depression is like any other disease, until treated you will experience the same symptoms. One of those symptoms is obsessive negative ruminations, which means repeatedly thinking of and exaggerating the negative.

Maybe you'll meet again in different circumstances in the future, by then you'll be a much happier more confident and eligible candidate for an adult relationship.

~ Clara

[Uniquemind]

So you blame your depression and difficulty managing stress as the reason for the demise of the relationship. My advice would be to not pursue her, her mind has been made up. Maybe she will come back, she was with you for a while so obviously at one point she did care for you, even if those feelings faded.

If she did come back now, nothing would change though. The problem(s) that drove her away still exist. So concentrate on yourself. Seek counselling from a therapist and speak to your doctor about your depression. Depression is like any other disease, until treated you will experience the same symptoms. One of those symptoms is obsessive negative ruminations, which means repeatedly thinking of and exaggerating the negative.

Maybe you'll meet again in different circumstances in the future, by then you'll be a much happier more confident and eligible candidate for an adult relationship.

~ Clara


Adding to what Clara said.


Ultimately your ex-gf might be right.

Perhaps you guys aren't compatible and this breakup is necessary.


However I will ask for details of both fights to understand each side's position on the argument, and then I'd need to know specifically how a seemingly calm but awkward conversation erupted to higher extremes to the level of a nasty fight.


That is a crucial detail missing from your posts that advice givers like myself and Clara could use to help objectively analyze the what and why of past events.

Doesn't change what can be done now, as what actions you took are already done, but we can help you understand it better.

[Holmes]

Thanks for all the replies guys, really! But yeah the arguments started whenever I asked her what she was doing or how she was getting on in her exams. She would be completely fine with me and we would be like we were normally the one minute and then the next it was one-word answers. So the last argument was about why she was being off with me, to the point that I was freaking out a little but I did apologies.

[Uniquemind]

Thanks for all the replies guys, really! But yeah the arguments started whenever I asked her what she was doing or how she was getting on in her exams. She would be completely fine with me and we would be like we were normally the one minute and then the next it was one-word answers. So the last argument was about why she was being off with me, to the point that I was freaking out a little but I did apologies.

You need to stop freaking out that's going to be a huge obstacle in dating & relationships for you, because it involves trusting your partner.

You'll learn silence isn't all bad when you hang out.

Especially after long stretches of communication silence, you need to rebuild the sweet-nothing's, and even during those times it's wise to send chocolates and flowers and a postcard here and here.

Flirt flirt flirt some more, get married, keep flirting.


Don't overdo it, but keep it intermittent reinforcement going. (See psychology for what that means), with suggestive sexual overtones.


But you need to understand that keeping tabs on your partner comes across as clingy and controlling.


Instead when you flirt make plans.


Also keep in mind you might not have been compatible with her.



But I have to ask more detail. And can you in a detailed story format compare contrast the communication of good times versus bad times toward the end?


I classify your relationship as one that failed to re-synchronize post a hiatus due to life demands. (Very common problem and rears it's head in marriages and ruins them only in the context of children demands and work/financial demands).

[Holmes]

The communication breakdown was quite strange really. She kept telling me that everything was fine and that she just needed to focus on her exams and stuff which I totally appreciated but whenever I would begin to act as if things were getting normal again it'd be the one-word answers and what-not which in turn made me more anxious about where things were going and I guess it started a kind of cycle. She began then to spend time with her other friends without me even though she knew what it'd mean for me to see her and promised to see me when she could. She actually did that on my birthday funnily enough, but yeah...

[Uniquemind]

The communication breakdown was quite strange really. She kept telling me that everything was fine and that she just needed to focus on her exams and stuff which I totally appreciated but whenever I would begin to act as if things were getting normal again it'd be the one-word answers and what-not which in turn made me more anxious about where things were going and I guess it started a kind of cycle. She began then to spend time with her other friends without me even though she knew what it'd mean for me to see her and promised to see me when she could. She actually did that on my birthday funnily enough, but yeah...

Yeah you could've handled yourself better but it seems immaturity on her part played into it as well.


Especially when your young, loyalty is.....wishy washy and people don't know what they want.


What could also have happened is that she changed of her own volition and "you" isn't what she wants out of a relationship anymore and maybe she doesn't like the version of herself she gave into your relationship...perhaps drugs have altered the content of her character who knows.

Point being at a certain point it's not your concern anymore even though it hurts.



A lot of behavior and choices are controlled by hormones and psychology and other very mechanical biological things...that plays into this situation.


(Unrelated: I have begun to make a theory that living creatures including humans, are more mechanical, than sentient beings of what we call free will, but I digress).

I should also add that during long periods of not seeing a loved one you're in a relationship with, those are the vulnerable areas in person psyche where a 3rd party (friends, other love interests or pursuing suitors) have an advantage of stealing or fostering romantic with your GF/BF.

Monogamous relationships from life til death are a unnatural thing and only a few species do it humans being one of those, and even then fail a lot of the time.

What ends up happening is most people practice serial monogamy.

Personally speaking, I only know of one couple who are in their mid 20s now, Who are childhood sweethearts and show no signs of divorcing (they married young) but they get along great and they've known each other since they were about 9 or 10, and even then there was an undercurrent of a crush between them when you saw them socialize even if they themselves didn't realize it themselves. This is very rare.


One shot, lifetime loyalty monogamy happens like .001% of the time.

[Holmes]

Well, thanks for that.