PsychoticReality
June 4th, 2015, 06:36 PM
Okay, so I haven't really ever opened up about this and I didn't think I would ever give myself the chance to but after everything I've been through this year I've decided I need to get it off my chest. It's now been 1028 days, and your third year of being dead is creeping up so quickly.
I still to this day, break down over everything. I beat myself up over the idea that if I had any form of internet connection I would have been able to save you- I love you so much.
This is something I wrote in December of 2013, a few days after my birthday:
Hey, it’s been a year and a half now and I think it’s safe to say I haven’t repaired the person you broke. People tend to call me promiscuous, wild and an alcoholic but if they knew the reasoning behind it all I don’t know what I’d do; would they love you, hate you, see you the way I do?
August 12th 2012, that was the day you broke me into so many fucking pieces because you decided it was too hard to live, you decided that I would be better off without you. Seriously, the day you killed yourself I fell into a pit of anguish, we hadn’t spoken for a few days because I was on a fucking holiday. I pushed you out of my mind for so long, I haven’t let anyone in the way I let you in and that’s because the thought of loving someone so much only to have them disappear hurt.
It doesn’t get better, people say it does but it doesn’t. I remember, we used to laugh at the stupidest of things and despite me having a bad day you could keep my spirits up and make me smile. You, you were the best thing in my life and I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I tried to forget, convince myself it didn’t matter that I’d lost you but it did, it does; losing you made me into the person I am today.
Sometimes I just break down and talk to you, I message you in hopes of a reply but I know there’s no chance of one because despite my hardest efforts you’re gone. I can’t move on because I don’t want to, I don’t want to forget you because essentially if I accept you’re dead then I have to understand I’ve lost you forever…
And I can’t do that.
To anyone out there thinking of taking their lives, I am begging you, please don't. You do not understand how many people's lives you will alter, you are loved, you are special, you are needed. It's nearly three years and I still haven't gone a day without thinking about her, it's not worth it. I have been in the same predicament, where I have thought of nothing but ending the pain and after multiple attempts I realised what it does to not only my family but those around me. If you are ever feeling low, private message me, I am here for you. WE are here for you! <3
This is for you Marissa, I won't lose anyone else the way I lost you. I wish you could hear what I'm singing at your memorial this year: Cascada and Robin Stjernberg - You
I still to this day, break down over everything. I beat myself up over the idea that if I had any form of internet connection I would have been able to save you- I love you so much.
This is something I wrote in December of 2013, a few days after my birthday:
Hey, it’s been a year and a half now and I think it’s safe to say I haven’t repaired the person you broke. People tend to call me promiscuous, wild and an alcoholic but if they knew the reasoning behind it all I don’t know what I’d do; would they love you, hate you, see you the way I do?
August 12th 2012, that was the day you broke me into so many fucking pieces because you decided it was too hard to live, you decided that I would be better off without you. Seriously, the day you killed yourself I fell into a pit of anguish, we hadn’t spoken for a few days because I was on a fucking holiday. I pushed you out of my mind for so long, I haven’t let anyone in the way I let you in and that’s because the thought of loving someone so much only to have them disappear hurt.
It doesn’t get better, people say it does but it doesn’t. I remember, we used to laugh at the stupidest of things and despite me having a bad day you could keep my spirits up and make me smile. You, you were the best thing in my life and I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I tried to forget, convince myself it didn’t matter that I’d lost you but it did, it does; losing you made me into the person I am today.
Sometimes I just break down and talk to you, I message you in hopes of a reply but I know there’s no chance of one because despite my hardest efforts you’re gone. I can’t move on because I don’t want to, I don’t want to forget you because essentially if I accept you’re dead then I have to understand I’ve lost you forever…
And I can’t do that.
To anyone out there thinking of taking their lives, I am begging you, please don't. You do not understand how many people's lives you will alter, you are loved, you are special, you are needed. It's nearly three years and I still haven't gone a day without thinking about her, it's not worth it. I have been in the same predicament, where I have thought of nothing but ending the pain and after multiple attempts I realised what it does to not only my family but those around me. If you are ever feeling low, private message me, I am here for you. WE are here for you! <3
This is for you Marissa, I won't lose anyone else the way I lost you. I wish you could hear what I'm singing at your memorial this year: Cascada and Robin Stjernberg - You