My friend is really upset because of me, and I hate myself now

[TheRedViper]

So one of my friend's

[lucaboy]

Be honest and tell her the truth. That you felt insecure, anxious, etc. As a real friend she will understand you, and maybe she can also help you to overcome it. Good luck! :)

[ClaraWho]

So one of my friend's - a girl I've been friends with since 2012 but it's been sort of on-and-off over time - is massively into the whole nightclub and party thing (despite only being 17). She fits into it well, since she's extremely attractive and very social and lively. I, however, am none of these things, and add to that my shyness and awkwardness at parties and in groups of people I don't know...

So today she texted me and asked if I wanted to go to a nightclub with her. I said yes pretty much right away, not thinking it through. As I got ready to go I suddenly felt a wave of anxiety about going; I looked at photos of the place and everyone there was so much better looking than me (I'm not ugly I'm just not 'hot') and so much more social and lively and excited. I suffered pretty much a massive wave of anxiety and insecurity at the thought of being there - not knowing anyone - and basically not knowing what to do and feeling so out-of-place and awkward.

I texted my friend and told her that I didn't think I should go. She was extremely insistent that I go, saying once I had a few drinks it'd be fine, and that she's only going because she wants me to come. This was surprising to me, since she knows I hate parties and don't function well there, and because she has so many other friends that are way more like her and like clubs and parties. I apologised heaps for both disappointing her and ruining her night. I asked her why she wanted me to go so much, and she said "I wanted to be with you when you tried something new". These words hit me so hard I became extremely worked up and emotional, because I realised just how massively I'd let her down when she was doing all of this for me. I apologised plenty some more, and she seemed to get quite upset at me not going. At first she seemed angry, then just upset and disappointed. I told her I didn't want her to be upset with me, and all she said was "I'm not, I'm busy, I'll text you later".

Words can't describe how much I hate myself right now. My friend planned an entire night just for me to have fun and try something new, and I let her down so much because I'm an antisocial and awkward idiot. I hate myself so much.

Explain to her what you just told us. Word for word. All your insecurities, your anxiety, what you thought of the other people there and of yourself.

Tell her nightclubs and getting drunk isn't your scene, but invite her out somewhere else. Does anything about dancing and drinking appeal to you? Is that a scene you want to actually be a part of?

If not, and if you've implied it isn't, then she shouldn't have pushed you in the first place. Secondly she just wanted you to join in what she was doing, so she wasn't willing to go out of her own comfort zone. She let you down by not taking the time to understand your emotions, because she wanted to have a good time. I'm sure she still had other friends there and had what she deems a good time that night.

Why don't you arrange a weekly (or fortnightly if money is an issue) 'new thing' that neither of you have tried before?

There is something to be said for trying things outside your comfort zone, but only if a) you are forgiven for taking an escape route and b) it isn't peer pressure to start doing harmful acts such as drinking.

If anything, she owes you the apology.

~ Clara

[Dalcourt]

Yes, just explain the whole situation to her the way you explained it here. As a good friend she should know that you are insecure and uncomfortable in such situations and therefore I guess you two can talk this out.
Best of luck.

[TheRedViper]

So I pretty much did explain to her that night how awkward and uncomfortable I feel and how I'd just ruin the night for her, but she kept her insisting and pretty much begging me to go with her. When I didn't she just went with her boyfriend.

I texted her the next morning asking if she had fun, and if she thought I'd like it. I was trying to be friendly and casual, but her answers were very brisk and cool. I offered that when I get my driver's license in a few weeks we could go then, but she was pretty dismissive and said that she doesn't go out often now (cause of her baby) and that she's got more important things to do. That's pretty much the last we've spoken. I can't tell if she's still pissed off with me.

[ClaraWho]

So I pretty much did explain to her that night how awkward and uncomfortable I feel and how I'd just ruin the night for her, but she kept her insisting and pretty much begging me to go with her. When I didn't she just went with her boyfriend.

I texted her the next morning asking if she had fun, and if she thought I'd like it. I was trying to be friendly and casual, but her answers were very brisk and cool. I offered that when I get my driver's license in a few weeks we could go then, but she was pretty dismissive and said that she doesn't go out often now (cause of her baby) and that she's got more important things to do. That's pretty much the last we've spoken. I can't tell if she's still pissed off with me.

Well to be fair she has a child, they will come first so that seems like a legit excuse. Also not very grown up behaviour on her part.

In terms of going when you get your drivers license - you don't plan on drinking at all that night do you?

~ Clara

[Uniquemind]

If she in her mind is trying to help you become more comfortable in social environments she's doing it wrong.

Her intentions might've been good, but she attempted to do the equivalent of pushing you off a cliff, saying "fly".

She improperly read the situation, and should have gotten you used to crowds first and also read your no-go zones. Like if you could handle crowds but were certain drugs are not even something you want to try, and then judge. (Because the risk of 1st time trying with consequences and brain damage being as high as it is).


Idk she's a friend I'd want to be distant from, I don't think you should have a baby and then also be part of the party scene. You give that up when you discover your a mother or father to a child.

[Microcosm]

TheRedViper,

You did what you could, my friend. Even if she is still pissed at you, it's in the past now and there is nothing that could change it. However, I think your best bet at trying to redeem yourself would be inviting her to something of your own. Like, plan something out for you and her to do together and see if you can rekindle the friendship.

Don't feel too bad about it. People come and go, and they will dismiss you sometimes. You can't let yourself get too attached or else you might regret it and feel terrible about every little thing. It's the hard truth, but it's the truth.

Hope I helped and best of luck.

[Airrd]

I think its clear that she was trying to help but probably not in the right way so she should not get mad at you about it