Miserabilia
May 27th, 2015, 03:39 PM
I'm just going to talk/rant/let out steam and whatnot about this for a little, if you want to read or share something about grief you've experienced go ahead. anyway.
I've posted about it before but it's been.. a month or something now, since my friend died. I wasn't too specific but let me put it this way; I don't have a lot of friends. I talk to people, but I don't have a lot of good close friends and that's fine with me.
This was one of my closest friends, basicly one of my two best friends. This is someone I was able to talk to anything about, literaly anything, even things I've said on this site I could never talk about in real life, I could talk about.
So now I'm left with one best friend, and everything has changed. Even if he didn't make a giant difference, it's just that someone's absence is like a whole different person takes their place, a lot of friendships suddenly change.
Basicly to sum things up a little, the first week was the worst obviously. I remember every little detail about the last day I ever saw him and the day I found out he died. The rest of the week was a blur, like a really long day. They kept his corpse at home for a week, so I was able to "visit" him plenty of times. We spent most time there. It's weird, you know someone is dead but you still can't shake the feeling your doing something without them, so it's comforting to be there even though he's dead.
Then I've spent a giant amount of time trying to find pictures and old chats. I also keep sending messages to his phone because it doesn't feel natural not to do it so it's comforting.
Me and his other friends spend most time at first with his parents, who are by the way amazing people. It's weird that now we could tell them anything; even all his secrets because it doesn't matter anymore. Well obviously we wouldn't tell everything but you get the point. We still see them all the time and do things with them, because obviously their life is devestated mostly, and they have to rebuild as a couple instead of parents.
I guess the best way I can describe living with a dead friend is that everything reminds you of them, there's always an emptiness. Everyday I wish I could cry about it because it would feel releiving but I can't, last time I've cried was the cremation. Basicly I lie awake every night, I dream about it literaly every night and sadly I always remember my dreams.
It would be possible to get all philosophical about it, or turn to a religion or ghosts but none of that really works for me or anyone involved. Reality is just that life is unfair and can end any time.
The thing that really makes me angry is seeing people do stupid, lifethreatening things, every single day and get away with it with an applause like they did good, while normal everyday people trying to do what others expect of them get their life taken away. What also pisses me off is smug looking smokers, obese people, and the shitheads I see crossing red lights and streets without looking every day.
if a god exists he/she's an asshole. If ghosts exist, all they can do is watch so I still can't talk to him so what's the difference you know?
Another simple reality is just missing him , missing doing things, talking about things. It's like your best friend moves away but you can never call him, write him, or see him in any way. There's things we planned to do later, our future's; this is the shittiest fucking age to die. You've finaly become completely self aware, intelligent, have your whole life ahead, you are constantly planning your future and all the things there are still to enjoy, and you can't get a chance to do it.
Well that's all I've got to say for now, I may edit and add more later. Just a litlte rant.
I've posted about it before but it's been.. a month or something now, since my friend died. I wasn't too specific but let me put it this way; I don't have a lot of friends. I talk to people, but I don't have a lot of good close friends and that's fine with me.
This was one of my closest friends, basicly one of my two best friends. This is someone I was able to talk to anything about, literaly anything, even things I've said on this site I could never talk about in real life, I could talk about.
So now I'm left with one best friend, and everything has changed. Even if he didn't make a giant difference, it's just that someone's absence is like a whole different person takes their place, a lot of friendships suddenly change.
Basicly to sum things up a little, the first week was the worst obviously. I remember every little detail about the last day I ever saw him and the day I found out he died. The rest of the week was a blur, like a really long day. They kept his corpse at home for a week, so I was able to "visit" him plenty of times. We spent most time there. It's weird, you know someone is dead but you still can't shake the feeling your doing something without them, so it's comforting to be there even though he's dead.
Then I've spent a giant amount of time trying to find pictures and old chats. I also keep sending messages to his phone because it doesn't feel natural not to do it so it's comforting.
Me and his other friends spend most time at first with his parents, who are by the way amazing people. It's weird that now we could tell them anything; even all his secrets because it doesn't matter anymore. Well obviously we wouldn't tell everything but you get the point. We still see them all the time and do things with them, because obviously their life is devestated mostly, and they have to rebuild as a couple instead of parents.
I guess the best way I can describe living with a dead friend is that everything reminds you of them, there's always an emptiness. Everyday I wish I could cry about it because it would feel releiving but I can't, last time I've cried was the cremation. Basicly I lie awake every night, I dream about it literaly every night and sadly I always remember my dreams.
It would be possible to get all philosophical about it, or turn to a religion or ghosts but none of that really works for me or anyone involved. Reality is just that life is unfair and can end any time.
The thing that really makes me angry is seeing people do stupid, lifethreatening things, every single day and get away with it with an applause like they did good, while normal everyday people trying to do what others expect of them get their life taken away. What also pisses me off is smug looking smokers, obese people, and the shitheads I see crossing red lights and streets without looking every day.
if a god exists he/she's an asshole. If ghosts exist, all they can do is watch so I still can't talk to him so what's the difference you know?
Another simple reality is just missing him , missing doing things, talking about things. It's like your best friend moves away but you can never call him, write him, or see him in any way. There's things we planned to do later, our future's; this is the shittiest fucking age to die. You've finaly become completely self aware, intelligent, have your whole life ahead, you are constantly planning your future and all the things there are still to enjoy, and you can't get a chance to do it.
Well that's all I've got to say for now, I may edit and add more later. Just a litlte rant.