Akasuki
May 18th, 2015, 11:02 AM
Hi, I haven't posted here in God knows how long but I would appreciate some advice. I am in a very stressful and complicated situation that shouldn't happen to anyone my age.
You can call me Riot. I'm 19 and I live on the East Coast in the US.
I was in an abusive relationship for 4 1/2 years. To read the backstory, here is a thread that I wrote a few years back about how she was abusive (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=143910). Since that thread was written, she got a little better with the friend thing, but she got physically abusive by hitting me. She would never get help for herself even though she admitted that she needed it and she took me for granted every day. I would always threaten that I would leave if she didn't stop but I never did until last week. I lived with her for 3 1/2 years so it's safe to say that I thought of her house as mine and all of my stuff is there as well.
For the past couple of months, I've been talking to this guy who currently lives in the UK. We get along extremely well and he has helped me through absolutely everything since February. He and I came up with a plan to get me out of the abusive household.
The original plan was that my mom would fly to where I was (she lives on the West Coast) and she would help me pack up my stuff on the 16th and bring me back to the West Coast with her the next day. The issue is that she and I do not get along at all. I left to live with my ex-girlfriend when I was 16 because my mom's household is/was abusive as well, but my mother promised that she had changed and she wouldn't do anything that would trigger me. After a month or two, my guy would come visit me and we would see how we worked out.
A few weeks before I was supposed to leave, an announcement was made by my ex-girlfriend and I's favorite band that they were going to do a cruise. My ex had absolutely no idea I had plans to leave her because if I told her, she would freak out and it would jeopardize my safety and I didn't want to deal with it. The pre-sale for the cruise was on the 13th -- 3 days before I was supposed to leave the house.
So I changed my plans. I would leave on the 12th so my ex didn't waste a bunch of money on a vacation that I knew we weren't going to go on. My friend said that I could stay with her from the 12th until the 16th.
I followed that plan and told her that I was leaving the night of the 10th for a week to visit my mom. She freaked out because she didn't like being without me whatsoever -- not even for a week, but it was mostly consisting of her begging me to stay because at that point, she knew that I was completely serious.
I left on the 12th and took the train to my friend's house (she lives a few hours away). I kept in contact with my ex's mother and she was suggesting insane things, like how I shouldn't tell my ex that we were breaking up until a few days or weeks pass by. I told her that I didn't want her to waste money on the cruise and she said that the money didn't matter. So, in respect for her mother, I had to keep up an act that I was going to definitely come back to her in a week.
After one or two days passed by, I got fed up with the act because I was hurting my ex and getting her hopes up and also hurting myself in the process. I wrote her a letter telling her the truth about how I was leaving her and that I have a lover in the UK and she was extremely calm and collected. She understood why I was leaving her, which took me completely off-guard because she is never like that.
I told her that I would still like to be friends and she agreed. I told her that I would like to take it slow and I wouldn't want to talk to her all of the time, otherwise it would be too hard for us to get over each other. She agreed to this as well.
Over the past few days, I've been very unstable; my thoughts are all over the place, and I'm finding it difficult to keep my mood balanced. The day I had to leave my friend to go to my mother, I realized how much more content I was with my friend. I started over-analyzing the situation. I knew that if I went back to the West Coast with my mother, she would not change, but I decided to give her a chance by seeing her because she already bought the plane ticket to pick me up and help me through the situation. On the 2-hour bus ride to where she was, I gave in to stress and texted my ex and told her that I was nervous and that I missed her. I knew that this was a bad idea so I told her that these were my emotions talking and that I was having impulsive feelings. She said that it was OK and she just liked helping me get through it.
Literally as soon as I saw my mother, she started triggering me by doing various things. She lit a cigarette (something she promised that she almost never did anymore) and blamed it on stress. I told her that I had some homeopathic mints in my bag that helped with stress and she ignored it and told me that it was because she was addicted (but she just said that it was because she was stressed?). I started to panic after this because I realized what I was getting myself into. I didn't want to leave the East Coast because I have a friend here that would help me through it all, and I know the East Coast better than I do the West. The East Coast is basically one big comfort zone for me. When we went to a restaurant, my mother asked me if I wanted anything and I told her no and that I had snacks. I pulled them out and I started eating and while the waitress was asking us what we wanted, I politely declined and told her that water was fine. My mother then made a snide comment about how I was vegan to the waitress which shocked me because my mother told me that she wouldn't made rude comments about it anymore. I asked her why she did that and she said something like, "I thought it was something that you were proud of so I wanted to tell her that you were."
Once we got into the hotel room, I put my bags down and I told her everything that happened in the past week. I had a mental breakdown and I could tell that she wasn't listening because she was in her own world, doing her own things. I was having a full-blown panic attack so I called up my guy and I told him what I was feeling and that I was going to call my ex. After I hung up with him, I called my ex and I lost it. I cried harder than I've ever had in my life for a good 5 minutes and I hit my lowest point. I told her that I wanted to come home and that I was tired of putting up a fight. She reassured me that she has changed and that she would help me through all of my issues and she wouldn't hurt me anymore.
I decided that, even if I wasn't going back to my ex, I needed to not be 3000 miles away from the people I know and trust. I told my mom that I didn't want to leave and she just started calling me names, telling me "fuck you" and other things like that. I understood why she was so mad at me, I dragged her all the way out there to help me and I refused to be helped, so I let her fall to sleep and I packed my stuff and I left the hotel room.
As I was leaving, my mom called me, and she was so broken down that I couldn't bear to listen to her at the time. My guy told me that he would try to call her and calm her down, so he did (which is something that made me realize that I really do love him; he'd put himself in an uncomfortable position in order for me to feel more comfortable).
I took an Uber back to the bus station and I left to go back to my friend's house. It had been 21 hours since I had any sleep and the only things I ate in the past 2 days were a mini muffin and some pretzels. My body was exhausted and my soul devastated, it was hard to keep myself together but I managed to not cry.
Once I got to the city, my friend asked her parents if I could stay at one of their houses and her mom said yes. Her mom opened her doors for me and she told me that I could stay as long as I pleased, which I appreciated immensely. The only issue is that I can't see my friend very often and she was the only thing constantly keeping my mind off of all of this because she was the only unbiased person in my life that was willing to help me through this.
I told my ex that I didn't know what I wanted and she is understandably upset. My guy is stuck in the middle of all of this as well and I've managed to drag my mother down with me, too. I feel absolutely horrible about all of this and I am starting to be in a constant state of panic.
I have told my ex that I wanted to wait a while before I made any decisions in an effort to avoid being rash. She told me that that was OK and her doors are always open for me, even as a friend (which I am weary about because I know that she is hoping for another chance with me).
I am in a horrible situation filled with unfortunate events that keep piling up on each other because of the countless mistakes I've been making along the way.
In the end, I have three choices:
I can take the chance and get a job at where I am now and eventually get my own apartment and live with the person I know has the potential to make me happy -- my guy -- whilst dealing with visas and all of the other issues that come with dating someone who lives in another country, along with major financial issues.
I could go back to my ex. I would regain the stability that I lost. I would have a comfortable amount of money, a place to sleep for sure, as much food as I want, and therapy, but I would be losing the guy I love and could have a future with in the process which makes this decision extremely painful.
I could go back to California and live with my mother, have some sort of stability, be able to relax and get comfortable in my new area, and my guy would be able to come live with us in a month or two, but I would be losing my friends on the East Coast as well as my independence (because I can walk to wherever I need to go here; I don't have a license). I would also have to deal with my parents and learn how to cope with my mother being completely ditzy and inconsistent.
I'm not sure what to do at all because these are some life-changing decisions.
I just know that my ex has changed for the better. I know that I'm in love with a guy in the UK. I know that I value my friend's support more than anything, and I know that, as much as I love my mom, living with her would drive me crazy.
Even if I don't receive any advice, writing this down has helped me a lot and made me weigh the pros and cons of every choice.
Thank you for reading and I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on the matter.
You can call me Riot. I'm 19 and I live on the East Coast in the US.
I was in an abusive relationship for 4 1/2 years. To read the backstory, here is a thread that I wrote a few years back about how she was abusive (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=143910). Since that thread was written, she got a little better with the friend thing, but she got physically abusive by hitting me. She would never get help for herself even though she admitted that she needed it and she took me for granted every day. I would always threaten that I would leave if she didn't stop but I never did until last week. I lived with her for 3 1/2 years so it's safe to say that I thought of her house as mine and all of my stuff is there as well.
For the past couple of months, I've been talking to this guy who currently lives in the UK. We get along extremely well and he has helped me through absolutely everything since February. He and I came up with a plan to get me out of the abusive household.
The original plan was that my mom would fly to where I was (she lives on the West Coast) and she would help me pack up my stuff on the 16th and bring me back to the West Coast with her the next day. The issue is that she and I do not get along at all. I left to live with my ex-girlfriend when I was 16 because my mom's household is/was abusive as well, but my mother promised that she had changed and she wouldn't do anything that would trigger me. After a month or two, my guy would come visit me and we would see how we worked out.
A few weeks before I was supposed to leave, an announcement was made by my ex-girlfriend and I's favorite band that they were going to do a cruise. My ex had absolutely no idea I had plans to leave her because if I told her, she would freak out and it would jeopardize my safety and I didn't want to deal with it. The pre-sale for the cruise was on the 13th -- 3 days before I was supposed to leave the house.
So I changed my plans. I would leave on the 12th so my ex didn't waste a bunch of money on a vacation that I knew we weren't going to go on. My friend said that I could stay with her from the 12th until the 16th.
I followed that plan and told her that I was leaving the night of the 10th for a week to visit my mom. She freaked out because she didn't like being without me whatsoever -- not even for a week, but it was mostly consisting of her begging me to stay because at that point, she knew that I was completely serious.
I left on the 12th and took the train to my friend's house (she lives a few hours away). I kept in contact with my ex's mother and she was suggesting insane things, like how I shouldn't tell my ex that we were breaking up until a few days or weeks pass by. I told her that I didn't want her to waste money on the cruise and she said that the money didn't matter. So, in respect for her mother, I had to keep up an act that I was going to definitely come back to her in a week.
After one or two days passed by, I got fed up with the act because I was hurting my ex and getting her hopes up and also hurting myself in the process. I wrote her a letter telling her the truth about how I was leaving her and that I have a lover in the UK and she was extremely calm and collected. She understood why I was leaving her, which took me completely off-guard because she is never like that.
I told her that I would still like to be friends and she agreed. I told her that I would like to take it slow and I wouldn't want to talk to her all of the time, otherwise it would be too hard for us to get over each other. She agreed to this as well.
Over the past few days, I've been very unstable; my thoughts are all over the place, and I'm finding it difficult to keep my mood balanced. The day I had to leave my friend to go to my mother, I realized how much more content I was with my friend. I started over-analyzing the situation. I knew that if I went back to the West Coast with my mother, she would not change, but I decided to give her a chance by seeing her because she already bought the plane ticket to pick me up and help me through the situation. On the 2-hour bus ride to where she was, I gave in to stress and texted my ex and told her that I was nervous and that I missed her. I knew that this was a bad idea so I told her that these were my emotions talking and that I was having impulsive feelings. She said that it was OK and she just liked helping me get through it.
Literally as soon as I saw my mother, she started triggering me by doing various things. She lit a cigarette (something she promised that she almost never did anymore) and blamed it on stress. I told her that I had some homeopathic mints in my bag that helped with stress and she ignored it and told me that it was because she was addicted (but she just said that it was because she was stressed?). I started to panic after this because I realized what I was getting myself into. I didn't want to leave the East Coast because I have a friend here that would help me through it all, and I know the East Coast better than I do the West. The East Coast is basically one big comfort zone for me. When we went to a restaurant, my mother asked me if I wanted anything and I told her no and that I had snacks. I pulled them out and I started eating and while the waitress was asking us what we wanted, I politely declined and told her that water was fine. My mother then made a snide comment about how I was vegan to the waitress which shocked me because my mother told me that she wouldn't made rude comments about it anymore. I asked her why she did that and she said something like, "I thought it was something that you were proud of so I wanted to tell her that you were."
Once we got into the hotel room, I put my bags down and I told her everything that happened in the past week. I had a mental breakdown and I could tell that she wasn't listening because she was in her own world, doing her own things. I was having a full-blown panic attack so I called up my guy and I told him what I was feeling and that I was going to call my ex. After I hung up with him, I called my ex and I lost it. I cried harder than I've ever had in my life for a good 5 minutes and I hit my lowest point. I told her that I wanted to come home and that I was tired of putting up a fight. She reassured me that she has changed and that she would help me through all of my issues and she wouldn't hurt me anymore.
I decided that, even if I wasn't going back to my ex, I needed to not be 3000 miles away from the people I know and trust. I told my mom that I didn't want to leave and she just started calling me names, telling me "fuck you" and other things like that. I understood why she was so mad at me, I dragged her all the way out there to help me and I refused to be helped, so I let her fall to sleep and I packed my stuff and I left the hotel room.
As I was leaving, my mom called me, and she was so broken down that I couldn't bear to listen to her at the time. My guy told me that he would try to call her and calm her down, so he did (which is something that made me realize that I really do love him; he'd put himself in an uncomfortable position in order for me to feel more comfortable).
I took an Uber back to the bus station and I left to go back to my friend's house. It had been 21 hours since I had any sleep and the only things I ate in the past 2 days were a mini muffin and some pretzels. My body was exhausted and my soul devastated, it was hard to keep myself together but I managed to not cry.
Once I got to the city, my friend asked her parents if I could stay at one of their houses and her mom said yes. Her mom opened her doors for me and she told me that I could stay as long as I pleased, which I appreciated immensely. The only issue is that I can't see my friend very often and she was the only thing constantly keeping my mind off of all of this because she was the only unbiased person in my life that was willing to help me through this.
I told my ex that I didn't know what I wanted and she is understandably upset. My guy is stuck in the middle of all of this as well and I've managed to drag my mother down with me, too. I feel absolutely horrible about all of this and I am starting to be in a constant state of panic.
I have told my ex that I wanted to wait a while before I made any decisions in an effort to avoid being rash. She told me that that was OK and her doors are always open for me, even as a friend (which I am weary about because I know that she is hoping for another chance with me).
I am in a horrible situation filled with unfortunate events that keep piling up on each other because of the countless mistakes I've been making along the way.
In the end, I have three choices:
I can take the chance and get a job at where I am now and eventually get my own apartment and live with the person I know has the potential to make me happy -- my guy -- whilst dealing with visas and all of the other issues that come with dating someone who lives in another country, along with major financial issues.
I could go back to my ex. I would regain the stability that I lost. I would have a comfortable amount of money, a place to sleep for sure, as much food as I want, and therapy, but I would be losing the guy I love and could have a future with in the process which makes this decision extremely painful.
I could go back to California and live with my mother, have some sort of stability, be able to relax and get comfortable in my new area, and my guy would be able to come live with us in a month or two, but I would be losing my friends on the East Coast as well as my independence (because I can walk to wherever I need to go here; I don't have a license). I would also have to deal with my parents and learn how to cope with my mother being completely ditzy and inconsistent.
I'm not sure what to do at all because these are some life-changing decisions.
I just know that my ex has changed for the better. I know that I'm in love with a guy in the UK. I know that I value my friend's support more than anything, and I know that, as much as I love my mom, living with her would drive me crazy.
Even if I don't receive any advice, writing this down has helped me a lot and made me weigh the pros and cons of every choice.
Thank you for reading and I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on the matter.