Lovelife090994
May 4th, 2015, 01:24 AM
I should be happy but I feel worse now, officially worse. It's may not be the worst but I'm hurting. The bad thing is that I can't get help or tell anyone or my mother. She's part of the problem with her religiosity, animosity, callousness, and supercilious actions. I feel great to be gay, but I can't bring it up to my mother else we argue and I am homeless. I'm twenty and this is my last year on this site and I'm supposed to go to college this August yet August is coming soooo begrudgingly slow. I don't know what to do. I mean the one person I am with, the only family I have I don't have. I can't shake out the memory of mother saying she should have aborted me now that her suspicions of me being homosexual are confirmed yet at the same time she denies and ignores it when it is brought up in a sentence. She knows I'm depressed yet she is oblivious to the idea that she is the cause and instead insists I pray and believe in her God and abide by Their rules... Part of my woes do have to do with Christianity heavily, but most of it is how I'm trapped. I can't keep faking submission and happiness, and her religion isn't helping. Her excuse is a darn reasonable one, she works quite a bit and we can't afford therapy, plus it takes time to do therapy. I'm an orphan to my own mother.
We act as if no tension or rift exists but I feel it. I have almost no love left for her even with my dependency, probably because it's not out of choice. But I can't run away or do anything suicidal, yet at least. I have no clue how long I can keep this charade up. My mind is a never-ending marathon, my heart's broken, my mind's unstable, and my mother gives everything to God. I don't even know what I am anymore. Male, female, neutral, both, all, nothing, confused? Nothing makes sense sometimes! Yes, that's vague but it's true. And the worst is that I am alone I have nowhere to go, my future foundation isn't stable, I'm not stable, and my mother is oblivious and super into her fiancé and God and she dismisses my feelings as confusion and lack of faith. Some might say ignore it, smile, get out, pray, ignore being forced in church, tune out the world, but I can't.
I am literally the house's Cinderella yet nothing I do is ever good enough. And her fiancé, my dog resents him as do I. I've known him for nearly all of my life and not once have I trusted him, he acts so detached, and intentionally scares my dog. I trust no man who acts heartless to animals, not once has he shown a sign of love. I get it. I'm old. I should be on my own, or at least away from all of this. Yet how can I be? No where to go, no where to run, no one to turn to, no friends, cracked mind, I have things, I am thankful, blessed even, but these don't take away pain. Just for saying I'm not up for talking warrants the need for my mother to threaten to do nothing for me and to let me go homeless. A guy or gal like me can't make it on the streets. I'm little enough I'll starve first knowing me. I have no self-esteem, no self-defense, no self-confidence, and no professional education. Even if I had a job, I can't drive, I have no car, and we literally we can barely afford groceries. It's bad enough.
And the money, oh the money I had saved from past birthdays, graduation, Social Security, enough to cover left over college charges, all but gone. Less than three hundred to my name. Where'd it go? My mother. Her excuse? Bills, my graduation vacation (If I knew what funded it I'd refused!) bills... She says I don't work so I don't get to have money. I get how a dependency means lack of money but the way she said it was as if it meant nothing to her if I had nothing. She grew up poor, was bullied all of her life, only had God and her obvious sharp tongue. But does this justify making your son feel orphaned? Thousands dream of a family, I have one yet they tolerate me and are fond of me. You are fond of chocolate not family. Family should have love and communication, I don't have that luxury. I'm telling you people, you don't realize how hard it can be to get up everyday when these thoughts keep you alone and wanting to stay in bed while the world leaves. Just some peace all I want... Nope interrupted by more religion and pain and demands, and more dismissal of it being a mood and my fault for not being God's perfect little bitch. Too late, it seems my mother got what she always wanted, a son to be nothing more than her personal pawn who is too empty to fight back. But she didn't get a smooth pawn, I'm a queen with a heavy base, I've already begun my own craft and voodoo, literally, but religion never gives true solace, although I must admit writing and casting spells and performing rituals does drown out the Christendom of my mother. All I want is to be able to talk about this to people.
Me. My feelings. No one has ever asked me my opinion or how it is to be me or be that Black kid whom everybody called "White" either for his caramel skin or his complex diction and didactic jokes... Wow, this is the best narrative I've ever written. It's true, pain does spin words. All I want is to vent and eventually to be free and in college to study, have friends, some reprieve and be free. Oh and don't get me started on my split personalities, we're all cracked. Missy is sad that she can never be seen, Drake is the cold heartless one who doesn't care about anything or anyone including himself, and I, I am that shy quiet voice who wears the pain in masks all day. My past has shattered me. Perhaps in the future I'll feel whole.
We act as if no tension or rift exists but I feel it. I have almost no love left for her even with my dependency, probably because it's not out of choice. But I can't run away or do anything suicidal, yet at least. I have no clue how long I can keep this charade up. My mind is a never-ending marathon, my heart's broken, my mind's unstable, and my mother gives everything to God. I don't even know what I am anymore. Male, female, neutral, both, all, nothing, confused? Nothing makes sense sometimes! Yes, that's vague but it's true. And the worst is that I am alone I have nowhere to go, my future foundation isn't stable, I'm not stable, and my mother is oblivious and super into her fiancé and God and she dismisses my feelings as confusion and lack of faith. Some might say ignore it, smile, get out, pray, ignore being forced in church, tune out the world, but I can't.
I am literally the house's Cinderella yet nothing I do is ever good enough. And her fiancé, my dog resents him as do I. I've known him for nearly all of my life and not once have I trusted him, he acts so detached, and intentionally scares my dog. I trust no man who acts heartless to animals, not once has he shown a sign of love. I get it. I'm old. I should be on my own, or at least away from all of this. Yet how can I be? No where to go, no where to run, no one to turn to, no friends, cracked mind, I have things, I am thankful, blessed even, but these don't take away pain. Just for saying I'm not up for talking warrants the need for my mother to threaten to do nothing for me and to let me go homeless. A guy or gal like me can't make it on the streets. I'm little enough I'll starve first knowing me. I have no self-esteem, no self-defense, no self-confidence, and no professional education. Even if I had a job, I can't drive, I have no car, and we literally we can barely afford groceries. It's bad enough.
And the money, oh the money I had saved from past birthdays, graduation, Social Security, enough to cover left over college charges, all but gone. Less than three hundred to my name. Where'd it go? My mother. Her excuse? Bills, my graduation vacation (If I knew what funded it I'd refused!) bills... She says I don't work so I don't get to have money. I get how a dependency means lack of money but the way she said it was as if it meant nothing to her if I had nothing. She grew up poor, was bullied all of her life, only had God and her obvious sharp tongue. But does this justify making your son feel orphaned? Thousands dream of a family, I have one yet they tolerate me and are fond of me. You are fond of chocolate not family. Family should have love and communication, I don't have that luxury. I'm telling you people, you don't realize how hard it can be to get up everyday when these thoughts keep you alone and wanting to stay in bed while the world leaves. Just some peace all I want... Nope interrupted by more religion and pain and demands, and more dismissal of it being a mood and my fault for not being God's perfect little bitch. Too late, it seems my mother got what she always wanted, a son to be nothing more than her personal pawn who is too empty to fight back. But she didn't get a smooth pawn, I'm a queen with a heavy base, I've already begun my own craft and voodoo, literally, but religion never gives true solace, although I must admit writing and casting spells and performing rituals does drown out the Christendom of my mother. All I want is to be able to talk about this to people.
Me. My feelings. No one has ever asked me my opinion or how it is to be me or be that Black kid whom everybody called "White" either for his caramel skin or his complex diction and didactic jokes... Wow, this is the best narrative I've ever written. It's true, pain does spin words. All I want is to vent and eventually to be free and in college to study, have friends, some reprieve and be free. Oh and don't get me started on my split personalities, we're all cracked. Missy is sad that she can never be seen, Drake is the cold heartless one who doesn't care about anything or anyone including himself, and I, I am that shy quiet voice who wears the pain in masks all day. My past has shattered me. Perhaps in the future I'll feel whole.